Kagome had just about had enough of all this. Three days without seeing her family. Of being menaced by not one, but two demons. Being temporally displaced. Missing her favorite anime. (She usually 'watched' directly from the coaxial, as not to tie up the TV.) It was all too much to take!
She didn't miss the homework, but everything else sucked.
Now, just when she was figuring out how to get back to where she belonged, these apes jump out and start dragging her back to their friggin' cave with designs to do unpleasant things to her. As Kami-sama as her witness, Kagome had just about reached her limit.
"This must be the foreign vixen—she be just as the master said!" quipped the sleazy-looking one with ogre-like breath.
"Ha! And a right foolish garb her folk wrapped her in, too!" chuckled the bucktoothed one that smelt of elderberries. The two shared a sinister peal of laughter.
*TWANG!*
That was the sound of Kagome reaching her limit.
Kagome reached up and gripped the hand closed over he mouth, and easily pulled it away from her mouth. "That tears it…" said Kagome with a calm that belied the angry fire in her maiden circuit. The bandits, surprised that the kidnapped still spoke, stopped dragging her and stared in surprise. "You guys just won an all-expense paid trip to the World of HURT!"
The bucktoothed bandit, not registering that the girl had just pulled his hand away like it was nothing, commanded their 'captive' with all the authority he could muster, "Quiet, wench! The master commands we bring you!"
*SOCK!*
"Yeah? Well, Kagome commands you to take a nap, dirtbag!" Kagome replied, smashing the bandit's chin with a gentle uppercut… well, gentle for her, anyway.
Kagome's unrestrainable movements caused the sleaze-bandit to lose his grip on the saber marionette. "The wench be stronger than she looks!" shouted the sleaze-bandit, gripping his sword in preparation to draw.
*rrRRRIP!!*
The bandit stumbled as the sword was suddenly ripped off his belt and out of his hands. He looked down, then around, until his gaze finally settled on his sword, still in its scabbard, resting in the hand of the wench.
"The wench be faster than she looks, too," said Kagome mockingly as she casually tossed the sword over her shoulder to bonk the head of the recovering bucktoothed bandit on the head, sending him back to la-la land.
"Of all the rotten luck!" commented sleaze-bandit, stepping back wearily, "The wench be a warrior!"
"Saber marionette, actually," Kagome corrected, "not that it makes things any better for you." With a flash of motion, she grasped the bandit by the wrist with her left hand. "Now, tell me where your hideout is, or I start playing 'One Little Piggy, Two Little Piggies', draconian-style, with your fingers," she warned sternly.
"What are you talking abo—" *CRACK!* "GYEEEEEHHH!!!"
"One little piggy…" counted Kagome as she easily bent the bandit's pinky finger back much further than it was meant to, accompanied by a predictable, but sickening, crack of bone.
"Oh, kami-sama, it hurts! It hurts!" wailed the bandit. Tears of pain streamed down his face as he clawed at Kagome's hand, trying to free his tortured appendage. But he was unable to budge her a millimeter. "For all that is good, plea—" *CRACK!* "GYARRGH!!!"
"Two little piggies…"
"Oh, Buddha, the pain!" wailed the big, bad bandit.
Kagome grasped the middle finger of the hand, but did nothing with it for the moment. "You want to start telling me the way to your hideout? Or shall we continue with piggy number three?"
Sleaze-bandit's eyes bugged out in fear. With a shaky finger, he pointed off in a direction. "Th-Tha-Thataway! The ab-ba-bandoned Buddhist temple up the hill! That's our hideout!"
A pleased and faux-pleasing smile appeared on her face as she released the bandit's hand. "Thank you!" she sing-songed as the bandit ran away, nursing his broken fingers and vowing never to engage in banditry again, and going into something safer though no less sleazy, like being a used cart salesman. Kagome collected the sword she had taken from the sleaze-bandit (he wouldn't be using it again), and set off toward the temple-hideout.
Various scum and ruffians sat irreverently on the floor of the abandoned temple, slobbing about. Saké was consumed in large quantities by these Emmy award winners. None consumed more, nor looked more ugly, than a big pile of meat sitting at the base of the broken Buddha, belching and flatulent.
It was onto this unsavory scene Kagome gazed when she kicked open what was left of the doors of the temple with the flinched sword on her shoulder.
Well, it was more fair to say that she kicked off what was left of the door. The bandit scum was rousted out of their relaxing slob by the noise to look at who invaded their domain.
"A girl…"
"Girl…"
Let's shift our attention away from these Pulitzer prize winners and return to the star of the thread, Saber Marionette Higurashi Kagome. "Who's the boss of this sorry outfit?!" she demanded.
"Hurrr…" mumbled one of the villainy scattered about the temple chamber, "Aren't ye the lass we're supposed to kidnap?"
"As a matter of fact, yes!" declared the time-lost saber marionette. "You guys were so hospitable, I decided to pay you a visit!" Her sarcasm was thick enough to cut with a unsharpened sword.
The big tub of lard at the base of the Buddha let out a belch, and then a fart. "The jewel…" he groaned, as if drunk. "The jewel…" he repeated, "…give me the jewel…"
Kagome blinked. Was that what he was after? She shook it off. "Aren't we getting a bit ahead of ourselves, you fat tub of lard who I can only assume is your leader?!"
"'Whom'…" burbled the said fat tub of lard who was indeed the leader.
"Pardon?"
"'You fat tub of… lard… whom I can… only assume… is your leader'… is it not?" corrected the fat tub of lard assumed to be the gang leader.
"You cheeky bandit leader!" growled Kagome.
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(Posted Sun, 19 Dec 2004 08:45)
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らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
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