Quest for Tentacles: Recruiting [Episode 131543]

Tendō Nabiki stepped out of the Nekohanten and started walking down the street, a pensive look on her face.

She was somewhat satisfied to have obtained from Shampoo to try and get her some Instant Chanyuiniichuan — in exchange for a date with Ranma.  It wouldn’t be of any difficulty for Nabiki to get the pigtailed boy to comply — all she had to do was calling on some of his debts, and keep Akane out of the way.  What was bothering the middle Tendō daughter, though, was that Shampoo wouldn’t give her any Jusenkyō Dekisen Onsen Mix until after the date.  Which meant she’d have to work on a tight schedule.  It wasn’t certain she could get the magical powder in time.

‘I should better not count solely on this solution.’ Nabiki concluded for herself.  ‘But what else can I do?  It’s not like you can find a tentacle monster at any street corner....’

Nabiki was interrupted in her thoughts by a sudden commotion coming from the street behind her, constituted of scared screams, angry yells, loud bellows and a mad cackling.

“Ah Ah Ah!  Watta haul, watta haul!”

“MOOOOOOO!!!”

Nabiki turned around and blinked, like most of the stunned bystanders on the nearby sidewalks.  A small gnome carrying a large pack of stolen underwear was running along at breakneck speed, occasionally bouncing on top of the rare vehicles cruising in the street.  He was followed by one huge and ugly chimera of yeti, bull and octopus with crane wings and an eel for a tail, flying low in hot pursuit of the wrinkled pervert.

Nabiki blinked again, her gaze following Happōsai and his monster of a godson for a while, before she shook her head.  “Okay... either this is truly my lucky day...” she began to say out loud, “... or the writer is a lazy clod who’s relying on unbelievable coincidences just to get his plot moving....”

A policeman standing next to Nabiki leaned toward the young girl.  “Miss, could you please not break the fourth wall so casually?  There are strict rules against this....”

“Sorry, sir.” Nabiki hastily apologized.  ‘That’s the Nerima Police for you.’ she added inwardly.  ‘There are a huge monster and a panty-thief roaming down the streets, and they bother ordinary people with silly, minor infractions....’

“HAPPŌDAIKARIN!  HAPPŌDAIKARIN!  HAPPŌDAIKARIN!”

*BOOM!*
*KA-BOOM!!*
*BOOOOOM!!!*

Nabiki protected her face from the wind and dust displaced by the violent explosions occurring a few yards away.  She then pushed her disarrayed hair back into place.

Lying in the middle of the street, smoking and blackened by the powerful firecrackers, was Pansuto-Tarō’s cursed form.  His large, bovine eyes were currently twin spirals rolling in their orbits, and his tongue was dangling from his mouth.  Happōsai, still cackling heartily after this easy victory over the Niu-Hoo-Man-Mao-Ren, trotted away with his booty.

Nabiki walked closer to the downed monster, looking at him quizzically, arms crossed over her chest.  “All right... what I am going to do with you?”

 

---

 

Pansuto-Tarō sat on the floor of the room, looking rather glum and somber.  Well, looking like his normal self, in fact.  He was wearing his usual dragon-scale vest, green pants and pantyhose sash.  He also had a crossed band-aid over his cheek, and a few bandages over his arms.

Nabiki casually sat on the edge of her bed and crossed her legs.  Watching her guest, she smiled.  “Are you feeling better, Tarō-kun?”

The boy just grumphed, not deigning looking at her.  He had already met this girl during his few visits to the Tendō Dōjō, but to him she was merely in the background.  One of those people foolish enough to house the dirty old man, as well as that annoying faggot; inconsequential, as such.  The Chinese young man never cared much about anybody, unless he or she stood in his way.

Sure, she had helped him, bringing him some hot water while he was knocked out and leading him to her home where her nice sister had tended his wounds.  But he wasn’t naïve; he had no doubt Nabiki was doing that because of some earlier motive.  Though, at least she used the abbreviated version of his name... for this, he could endure listening her out.

“What do you want of me?” he grumbled, eyes narrowed.

“Why, why... such a suspicious attitude.  Wouldn’t you believe I helped you solely out of the goodness of my heart?” Nabiki protested, with transparent, faked outrage.

Tarō snorted.  “I’m not one of those dorks you usually deal with, like Fem-Boy and his friends.  I won’t be fooled by your lousy acting.”

“I know that, Tarō-kun.  And believe me, I appreciate for a change to talk with someone whose I.Q. is above room temperature.  That’s refreshing.”

Nabiki uncrossed her legs, and put on a less playful expression.  “I need you for a job, that’s as simple as that.”

The young man shrugged and stood up, turning toward the exit.  “I’m doing nobody’s dirty work.  I have better things to do.  Just ask Fem-Boy or any other of the idiots that hang around here....”

“No, no, you don’t understand.  Come back here, sit down.” she urged him, waving her hand.  “It’s not a job any martial artist could do.  In fact, you’re pretty much the only one I know of with the right... qualifications.”

Nabiki had almost picked Tarō’s interest with this, but true to his image he still acted standoffish.  “I’m not interested.”

“It’ll pay well....”

He harrumphed.  “I don’t need any money.”

“Really?  Not even with all the lawsuits against you for property damages?”

Tarō snickered at that.  “As if anybody could ever dream of making me pay....”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be too sure about that if I were you...” Nabiki lectured.  “The JSDF has some very impressive anti-Kaiju hardware.  How long before you got put on the list of the ‘dangerous rampaging monsters’?  You know, it may become a little difficult to chase after grandfather Happōsai if you have some choppers firing air-to-air missiles at your back....”

Pansuto-Tarō grunted in annoyance as sole response.

“By the way...” she added snidely, “did you have any success in convincing the old pervert to change your name, lately?”

This time, Tarō growled and turned around, invading Nabiki’s personal space to snarl in her face.  “DON’T MESS WITH ME, WOMAN!  That’s none of your business.”

Nabiki reflexively leaned backward a bit, but showed absolutely no fear in front of the violent guy’s outburst.  Instead, she merely smirked.  “It isn’t?” she whispered.  “Maybe I could help you....”

Tarō calmed down, straightened up and looked at the girl with disdain.  “You?  And what do you think you could do against that stubborn old goat, when the best martial artists have failed?”

“Oh, I don’t know...” Nabiki drawled out in a coy voice.  “Use my brain?”

This earned her a furious glare, but Nabiki withstood it calmly.  She knew from the start that she’d have to use this argument to convince him.  Nothing but his accursed name interested the obsessive boy.  But one doesn’t reveal her best asset at the very start of a negotiation, nor admit how desperate for the other party’s cooperation she could be.

“You see, I happen to own something that would be of prime interest for Happōsai... I bet I could easily convince him to give you the name of your choice in exchange for some... easy access to it.”

Tarō didn’t like much the way this woman was toying with him... but he couldn’t let pass any opportunity to gain a new name.  Still wary, he asked “And what is... this thing that the old goat would want so hard that he’d change my hateful name?”

Nabiki could tell the bishōnen was reaching the breaking point.  Time to tell the whole story.  “Well, it’s quite simple.  I recently invested in a... particular brand of entertainment center.  I own a good half of the shares in the kind of club that Happōsai would be very eager to visit, if he knew.”

Tarō blinked.  “What kind of club?”

Nabiki rolled her eyes.  The guy was smart, she could tell, but like many people she knew he was opaque to oblique explanations.  “An Eros center.  Strip joint.  Peep show.  Erotica theater.  Call it whatever you like.”

“Wh...Wha...What?” Tarō stuttered, looking for the first time quite destabilized.  Blushing, the boy pointedly looking away from the amused girl, in a lame attempt to hide his embarrassment.

Followed a long, awkward silence as Tarō nervously shuffled, while Nabiki grinned like the Cheshire Cat.

“So...” he finally started, “... you’re suggesting we use this... place as a bait to lure in the old pervert, so that I can attack him by surprise?”

Nabiki’s smirk faded.  “And you wrecking the club in the process?  Hell no!”

The frown she was directing at Tarō made the usually confident boy uncharacteristically ill at ease.

“What I was proposing...” she pointedly said, “is to simply offer the Master a privileged access to the club... in exchange for your new name.  Once he’ll see all the scantily-clad beauties awaiting for him, I doubt he’ll hesitate very long to make the trade.”

“Probably...” Tarō conceded.  That sounded like a good plan... in fact, it was certainly the best chance he’d ever get of obtaining a new name since the first time he came to Japan.  Which raised the question... “What do you need me so much for?”

‘Here comes the tricky part...’ Nabiki thought to herself.
“Oh, that’s nothing overly complicated.  What we need at the club is merely... a tentacle monster.”

“Hu?”

“We need your monster form to act as the tentacle beast in one of our shows...” Nabiki spelled out.  Then, seeing the dumbfounded look on the pretty boy’s face, she deemed a detailed explanation was in order.  “You see; there is this particular porn fetish among the Japanese, either in manga or animé or even live-action shows, for what is called the shokushu genre.  It mainly consists of hideous monsters or demons or aliens — whatever — raping hapless young girls with plenty of phallic-like appendage and tentacles.  And, well, some of our customers are pressuring the club very hard for offering them a real, live tentacles floorshow.  So, I’m prospecting for candidates that could fill the bill, and honestly you’re no doubt the best I could dream of finding.  I’m talking about your cursed alter ego, of course.”

“You...You... want me to use my monster form for... for...” Tarō stuttered in disbelief.

“For entertaining the paying customers with an authentic tentacle-beast sex-show.” Nabiki deadpanned, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

“But...But... that’s... that’s GROSS!” he exploded.  “That would be the most horrid thing....”

“Ow come on, Tarō-kun, it’s not like I’m asking you to actually RAPE some poor women!  All your partners will be professional performers, entirely willing and knowledgeable in the many tricks of the trade.”

“P-P-Partners?” the flustered young man blurted out.

“Yes.” Nabiki continued, absentmindedly tossing her hair.  “Very nice girls.  You’ll see when you’ll meet them.  With their coaching, you should have no trouble at all....”

Tarō sat cross-legged on the floor, facing away from Nabiki, his face beet red.  “I...I can’t do that... I just can’t....”

Nabiki titled her head, eyes half-lidded.  “Then, you’re giving up your best chance for a new, non-ridiculous, not underwear-sounding name?” she deviously asked.

Not getting a response from the brooding young man, she insisted.  “You know... in this business, it is customary to use a stage name different from your true one.  So... you could become famous as ‘Kakkoi-Tarō’, or whatever name fancies you, even if Happōsai is being difficult.”

Nabiki leaned forward, closer to Tarō’s face, looking for a reaction.  But the martial artist kept ignoring her, his cheeks still inflamed.

Smirking, Nabiki thought of something.  “I wonder... if your reluctance to take up my offer wouldn’t come simply from the fact that you’re still a virgin...”

Those words induced a noticeable stiffening of Tarō’s shoulders, which Nabiki didn’t miss.

“... and that you don’t want your first time with a woman to be in monster form during a sex-show?” she concluded.