A Hellsing at Hogwarts: Two Letters and a News Story [Episode 133161]

Harry,

By now I expect you've heard the news about my new job and all the arrangements. When we sent you off to that school of yours, your aunt and I thought that years of hard work put into raising you right were going to be all blown away. It's a testament to our parenting that you fell in with a good crowd. Stay close to Lady Integra, boy, and listen to what she says. The Hellsings are Good People and a credit to our race. You know your aunt and I don't approve of your weirdness, but if you end up working for Hellsing, well, then I suppose we can tolerate it; fight fire with fire and all that. Now, Lord Hellsing has decided to look after you during the day this summer, and if there's anyone who can deal with a boy like you, it's him. He seems to think you need a little more carrot and a little less stick. Myself, I feel "spare the rod and spoil the child," but I expect he'll realize what needs doing soon enough. Don't embarrass me or your aunt, boy.

Cordially,

Vernon Dursley

Dear Integra,

I have heard you started your chores with the groundskeeper and am glad you've accepted your assignment with dignity and without complaint. You are the face of Hellsing at Hogwarts and, to many people, the only contact they have with Hellsing. It is important they see us as fair and above reproach. While our family has always placed an emphasis upon acting morally and not caring for the judgement of others, save God, these other considerations must be acknowledged. Therefore, when acting as a member of Hellsing, you must not only avoid impropriety, but also the appearance of impropriety. Any chastisement or punishment need therefore be public, so as to increase and maintain confidence in Hellsing as a whole. I hope this impresses you with the importance and gravity of invoking the authority of Hellsing; it is not something done lightly, not even for the best of reasons.

However, I had not set pen to paper in order to drag up old mistakes. Rather, I wished to inform you that we have mostly solved the problems keeping Harry from our custody. Hellsing has hired Harry's uncle and provided a house for him and his family - on our estate. While Dumbldore insists Harry spend the night under the same roof as his relatives due to a spell of protection, his days are his own and I believe the Dursleys are quite happy to have the lad spend them away from their family.

Although Vernon's treatment of young Potter has been deplorable, he is very good at his job and appears to be quite the find. He has also completed his introductory deployment and reacted satisfactorily. I expect he will resent the morning weapon drills less, although I cannot say if he can pass on that understanding to his family.

While I am happy to relay this news to you, recent events would have delayed this letter, were it not necessary to brief you. As I write this, Hellsing is dealing with the aftermath of two operations against vampire incursions in one night. Both target hospitals and the patients within. One of those hospitals, however, was for wizards, and you can expect questions regarding it. Do not give out any information, Integra, not even what is normally allowed to the public. There are several complications with this last operation, and things may become delicate. All the information regarding it is now need-to-know, and, to aid you in your stonewalling, I believe you need to not know.

Love,

William Frederick Hellsing III

Vampire Wipes Out St. Mungo's

Last night one or more vampires infiltrated St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, preying upon the staff and patients. Hellsing agents eventually retook the hospital, but not before the vampire wreaked havoc within its walls. While Hellsing refuses to release more information than that there was at least one vampire involved, diligent research has revealed that none of the staff has returned to their homes and none of the patients have been transferred to other hospitals. The conclusion is obvious: the vampire slaughtered all those inside St. Mungo's not to mention how many innocents entering the hospital, seeking treatment only to find death.

When asked about why the Ministry of Magic did not respond to the situation, Cornelius Fudge responded, "There's only so many Aurors, and each one can still only be in one place at a time." The Minister also addressed Hellsing's involvement. "They insist on taking care of vampires, you know, but then mismanage their resources and let a massacre like this occur. I happen to know that Hellsing sent a number of their men to deal with a minor Muggle incident while the attack on St. Mungo's was happening. This is what comes from involving Muggles in serious matters; they lose their objectivity and simply aren't capable of dealing with the complexities of the magical world."

Upon hearing these quotes, Hellsing representatives responded "Hellsing protects all members of the British Empire. We do not comment on combat strategy." Is Hellsing hiding something? Anonymous sources indicate that two wizards were seen leaving the area with Hellsing personnel. We leave our readers with Minister Fudge's parting comment: "Well, I find it very suspicious, you know? Vampires attack a hospital when no Aurors can respond (something that only someone in the high levels of government would know) then Hellsing swoops in to save the day after all the witnesses are dead. Makes you think of those rumors that Hellsing doesn't kill all the vampires they catch, but controls some of them."