The Forest of Gates was more than a place where anyone had the direction sense of a Hibiki (and vice versa.) It transcended time and space, ancient Mesozoic conifers commingling with as yet uncreated fruit crossbreeds and the occasional offworld specimen either struggling or thriving in the relatively alien conditions. Spacetime was folded into eleven-dimensional origami here, and it was all too easy to find one’s self somewhere and/or somewhen entirely unfamiliar unexpected and unfamiliar.
This is how Nabiki found herself hopelessly lost in a dense wood one moment and staggering away from a potted plant in a restaurant’s lobby the next. A green-skinned, four-armed Cyclops in a well-tailored tuxedo bowed to her. “Ah. Welcome, Ms. Tendo. We were expecting you.”
That’s what he said. To translate what Nabiki heard is beyond English phonemes and would require copious use of symbols used to denote profanity in newspaper comics. Nabiki stood where she was, blinking in blank incomprehension.
“Oh dear, I should’ve thought of that,” muttered the formally attired alien. He moved to the reception desk and activated something Nabiki managed to recognize as a PA system. “Random to Reception Area Epsilon. Random to Reception Area Epsilon.”
A minute or two later, just as Nabiki was getting ready to say something about the situation, a young Caucasian woman entered from what appeared to be an exceptionally busy stadium or arena. “What’s the situation Xenglebaum?” She then noticed Nabiki and her eyes widened. “Oh! Ms. Tendo! Terribly sorry about all this. We knew you’d be coming soon but we aren’t nearly prepared. Please, come with me.”
Fortunately, Nabiki spoke far more English than she did Rigellian. “What is all this? Why are you treating me like some sort of celebrity? Who are you? Why does he have four arms!?”
The other human seemed undisturbed by the stream of questions. “Would you like the answers in any particular order, Ma’am?”
Wearily, the mercenary girl shook her head.”
“Alright then. I am Random Dent, concierge for our patrons from Sector ZZ Plural Z Alpha, a.k.a. your solar system. Xenglebaum has four arms because the hexapod design acted as the golden standard on his homeworld during the evolutionary process. This building is Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, and you are receiving the royal treatment because you own said restaurant.”
Nabiki could compile a complete list of her holdings, customers, and debtors in a matter of minutes, and she knew full well that the only restaurants at any point in the universe that were among them were Ucchan’s and the Nekohanten. (Pictures of Ranma sold well in either gender.) “That’s impossible,” she stated flatly.
Random continued undaunted. “You bought it by escaping with some history textbooks before the Earth was destroyed by two extradimensional beings playing ping pong with it and giving the books to some archaeologists in exchange for half the royalties from their best seller Earth: Flagrant System Error.”
Nabiki didn’t quite catch all that, but repeated, “That’s impossible. The Earth being destroyed like that, that is, not the scam.”
Random went on heedless. “You then stored said funds in a secure location and began a cycle of traveling forward several millennia and selling the money to currency collectors, often for more than five hundred times its printed value.”
“Even if the first bit was possible, that is impossible.”
Random stopped by a fish tank in a small lounge, took a net, and scooped up a thin, nigh-finless, guppylike fish. “Put this in your ear,” she said in tones that would brook no argument.
“Why shou—“ Nabiki could hardly begin her protest before Random dashed behind her, put her in a headlock, and forced the scaly thing down her ear canal. Nabiki shoved the other girl off despite the horrific sensation. “What’s the big idea!?”
“Listen,” Random said soothingly.
“When did you start speaking Japanese?” asked an astonished Nabiki.
“I didn’t. That was a Babel Fish. It absorbs sonic frequencies and transmits their meaning psychically to your brain.”
“That’s impossible,” Nabiki insisted, though she admitted to herself that she had seen stranger.
Random shrugged. “You’ll find that the universe isn’t logical, sensible, or even largely sane. Possibility is what you make of it. Ready to go meet yourself?”
“Despite what you just said, I know that’s impossible.”
“We’ll see.”
They entered the restaurant proper, the massive chamber Nabiki had earlier mistaken for some sort of arena. She found she could understand every conversation, even when the speakers were barely recognizable as alive.
“Look at the people!” she marveled, “The things!”
“The things,” Random gently admonished, “are also people.”
Nabiki critically analyzed what appeared to be a chair coated in fungi merrily chatting with a large crystal. “You’re sure?”
“Positive. Excuse me, Madame Tendo?”
Nabiki would’ve responded, but she saw that the remark was clearly not directed to her. Well, it was, but not the her that was standing by Random. Instead it was the her that was sitting elegantly at a table with hair down to the small of her back and in a dress that seemed to shift colors of its own accord. The elder Tendo looked up and smiled. “Ah. Welcome to Milliways, Nabi-chan. Do sit down.”
The younger Nabiki sat woodenly. “This can’t be possible.”
“Random, how many times has she said something to that effect?”
“Six, ma’am.”
The elder Tendo smiled widely. “Well, if you’ve already done six impossible things today, why not round it off with lunch at Milliways?”
Read the comments on this episode
(Posted Sun, 07 Oct 2007 02:50)
Questions? Problems? Suggestions?
Send a mail to addventure@bast-enterprises.de
or use the contact form.
らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
All other series and their characters are © by their respective creators or owners. No claims of ownership of these characters are implied by the authors of this Addventure, or should be inferred.
The Anime Addventure is a non-profit site.