It was a perfectly normal Tuesday afternoon, and the Tendo household was sitting around the living room table in their normal companionable quiet.
Soun and Genma were cheating each other at shogi. Nabiki was watching the financial news on the television. Ranma was trying to do his homework, but frankly the financial news was more interesting. Akane was being more productive with hers, and her eldest sister was pottering happily in her kitchen.
There was a muffled -ring-ring- and then a crash as the wall failed to get out of the way. The family turned calmly to meet the newcomer, except for Soun who was sitting nearest Ranma’s normal place and so was under the wreckage.
“Nihao Airen!” chirped Shampoo happily. “Shampoo have too-too nice ramen for Airen, you eat OK?”
Ranma eyed the takeout box dangling from the Amazon’s hand, bizarrely unharmed by the passage through the wall; he knew the contents would be perfectly presented and piping hot, despite Shampoo’s normal entrance and the time it took even her to cycle across town from the Nekohanten. “Ah, yeah,” he said, thinking he had half an hour before dinner. “Take the drugs out, though.”
“Silly Airen!” chided Shampoo happily as she served him. “Drugs is cook in sauce, no can take out.”
Akane, winding up to mallet her fiancée for accepting her rival’s offering, lost control of her backswing and landed on her rump. Ranma and Happosai facefaulted, as did Soun, although from a prone position no one noticed. Nabiki covered her face with a hand. In the kitchen, a clatter indicated Kasumi had been listening in to the conversation.
“Aiyah, why Airen fall over?” asked Shampoo. “Is you hurt?”
The tableau was interrupted by a slurping sound. Ranma kipped upright. “Hey Pops, whatdya think ya doin’ eatin’ that?”
“You should always slurp be prepared to defend your slurp supplies boy! slurp It may be your last meal before slurp battle!”
“It’s drugged you idiot!”
“It’s slurp what? How dare – erk!” The burly martial artist turned his gaze mechanically towards Shampoo. “Gahhh… so beautiful…”
“Eeek!” yelped the Amazon, backing away nervously. “Airen Father eat other half of ‘Pair-Bond Aphrodisiac Sauce’! Ahhh…”
“So lovely… slurp And cooks too!”
“Aiyahhh! No want like fat panda-man!” With a final crash, Shampoo departed the dining room and set out across the district. Genma started in pursuit…
…and ducked back to snatch the bowl of ramen from under Ranma’s fingers. “Hah! Though I’d leave my ramen undefended did you! I’ll teach you a lesson…”
“Aiyahhhhh!”
“…after I catch my slurp Shampoo! I’m coming, slurp ready or not!”
Silence reigned for some minutes after the martial artist departed in Shampoo’s wake.
Finally, Nabiki lowered her hand. “Please tell me I’m dreaming.”
“You’re dreaming,” replied Ranma automatically.
Kasumi ventured from the kitchen. “Do you think they will be back in time for dinner?” she asked cautiously.
“I’m not dreaming,” concluded Nabiki.
Ranma stood and walked down the hall, absently helping Akane to her feet as he passed. He dialled a familiar number, and waited.
“Hello Nekohanten, how may I help you?”
“Hi Mousse, could I talk to Cologne please.”
“Saotome! How dare you take my Shuurkk” “Hello Son-in-Law. What can I do you for?”
“Is there such a thing as a ‘Pair-Bond Aphrodisiac Sauce’ for ramen?”
“It’s supposed to be for Sweet-and-Sour Pork, actually. Quite effective, though. Affects both of the couple.”
“Ah. Is there an antidote or somethin’?”
“Oh, no. It wears off after two or three weeks, and it doesn’t have any adverse effects unless the subject is quite weak, when it can cause heart failure due to overexertion.” An unnerving cackle sounded over the telephone. “Of course, both partners must consume part of the same batch; then they fall in love with each other on sight. I wondered what Shampoo was working on, especially when she ate half of it herself. I take it she’s fed you the other half?”
“Nah, Pops ate it.”
There was a crash on the other end of the line and a crack as the handset hit the floor.
“Old ghoul?” called Ranma. “Cologne? You OK?”
“What did you say to her, Saotome?” asked Mousse. “The old ghoul just facefaulted off the top of her stick and now she’s gasping like a fish out of water.”
“Eh, Pops ate some aphrodisiac Shampoo made an’ now they’re chasin’ each other around Nerima.” He sighed. “I guess Cologne is worryin’ about me bein’ her step-great-great-grandson…”
“Saotome Prepare TO DIE!”
Ranma jerked the telephone away from his ear and missed a series of crashes, bangs and cracks as Mousse headed for the restaurant door.
“Son-in- Ahem. Ranma?”
“Eh? Old ghoul? You OK?”
“Yes, yes, hehe, I just need a little sit-down, hehe. This is quite a turn-up, hehe, stepson, hehe hey? I do hope Shampoo manages to throw your father off, letting him into the tribe would be, hehe, quite an embarrassment.”
“Uh, yeah.” Ranma swallowed. “But…”
“Oh, don’t worry about it, boy. Hehehe. Now, I have a restaurant to run. If you’re interested in waitressing for me, I’m sure I’ll have a slot open for a few days… hehehe” The line disconnected with a click as Cologne’s cackle overcame her.
“Did, did,” started Akane, once again seated in the middle of the hallway.
“Pops eat a bowl of ramen Shampoo brought for me after she admitted it was drugged?”
“Yeah?”
“Yes, he did.” Ranma hooked his hands under her arms and lifted her to her feet again. “I swear they’re made for each other.”
“So he’s run off chasing her because of some drug she put in it?”
“Yeah. Worse, she took it herself, so she’ll be chasing him as well as soon as it starts working on her.”
“Oh, MY,” said Kasumi. “Ranma, I’m not sure your mother would like that. You had better call her straight away and tell her.”
Ranma sat down in the middle of the hallway. Akane landed in his lap. “I… hadn’t thought of that…” he whispered.
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(Posted Sat, 12 Aug 2006 21:44)
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