Of course, thanks to their access to Ranma’s stream of thought, Akane, Shampoo, and Kodachi had already been informed that their new condition somehow involved Ukyo, an airheaded genie, and a non-wish gone horribly wrong, but given that Ranma’s inarticulateness began not with his attempts to express ideas into words (as Mihoshi had thought) but with his difficulty processing certain types information (for example, his own emotions) into ideas that he could readily analyze, the fiancées (incidentally, Kodachi didn’t stop dismissing the new voice in her head until she realized that Ranma occasionally thought of her as belonging in that category) weren’t really sure what it all meant. Thus, they’d agreed to meet at Ucchan’s, which had been “closed for the evening due to an unforeseen emergency,” as the sign on the door put it, to see if any sense could be made out of the situation.
This was easier said than done.
“I don’t believe it… so this is your fault? Not Ranma’s?” Akane asked incredulously. The story was all but unbelievable. In fact, if it wasn’t Ukyo doing the telling, I’d think it was just one of Ranma’s half-assed excuses.
Hey, since when do I make excuses?
“No,” Ukyo replied defensively. “It was the fault of that ditz of a genie. I never even made a wish; she went and ‘granted’ one all on her own! I just said that Ranma would be better off if he could communicate with us better. This was the last thing I expected.”
“You really expect us to believe that one of the fabled djinn would be so grossly incompetent?” Kodachi asked with a raised eyebrow.
“How else do you explain this? Even if I had actually made the wish, I doubt it was necessary to create telepathic links to get it to work right.”
“Shampoo want to know how Airen learn Mandarin.”
It was the third time the Amazon had asked that question, and Ranma still didn’t know what she was talking about. “How ’bout first explainin’ why yer still speakin’ Japanese like a five-year-old when ya can speak it like a normal person in my head?”
“She is?” asked a surprised Ukyo.
“Hell yeah,” Ranma replied. “It sounds really poetic an’ educated, too.”
“What? Shampoo not understand; is speaking Japanese best as possible now.”
Kodachi leaned forward in interest — the ability to speak multiple languages was a mark of sophistication in her book (which would, in turn, mean that she was an even better choice for her Ranma-sama). “Hmm… perhaps Ranma has become a man of languages without realizing it. Say something in your native tongue, gaijin.”
“Please refrain from speaking disrespectfully about me, or I shall be forced to do you serious harm,” the Amazon replied with a glare.
“Well, Ranchan, can you translate that?”
“Uh, well, I guess I sorta understood that — Shampoo don’t want Kodachi ta talk down her nose at her.”
Shampoo simled broadly. “That right! Well, close enough.”
“But that’s mostly cause I heard yer voice sayin’ the same thing in Japanese in my head while ya were talkin’.”
“Oh….”
“Oh, who cares?” asked a particularly grumpy Akane. “I’m just worried about what’s going to happen when he starts thinking perverted thoughts.”
An’ just what the hell are ‘perverted thoughts,’ anyway? It was the question Ranma always asked in his mind whenever his fiancée brought up the subject of perversion. The only difference was that now, that question was actually “heard” by four other people, each of whom found themselves answering almost involuntarily.
| Ukyo knew that the question was likely directed at Akane, but she had her own answer to that question: Well, I think it involves sticking stuff that normally doesn’t have anything to do with sex into body parts that aren’t designed to have those things stuck into them. | Kodachi rolled her eyes; Ranma-sama clearly had much to learn about the intricate subtleties of sexuality. “Perversion” is nothing more than a myth perpetrated by the lower classes who have yet to realize that all orgasms are created equal. There’s nothing wrong with any sex act as long as somebody eventually climaxes. | Well, Airen, according to my great-grandmother, the definition of perversion varies from culture to culture. For example, many in your culture view sexual contact between two consenting women as a form of perversion, where we Amazons have no such taboo. It was a fairly diplomatic answer; ironic, given Shampoo’s tendency to assert the superiority of her own culture. | Akane was a bit taken aback by this particular question; she’d always held perversion to be self-evident, and it had never really occurred to her that Ranma might not even know what counted as being perverted. This put her in a bit of a bind, and she had trouble articulating a response: You know… thoughts… about… perverted stuff. |
It was a lot of information to receive at once; Ranma, however, was only really paying attention to Akane at the moment. I’m gonna need a little more than that, Akane.
Akane didn’t want to answer, but in order to deliberately not answer a question to which one knows the answer, one inevitably thinks about the answer that is to be withheld — something Akane realized a split-second too late, as her mind brought forth (and transmitted) the most perverted images she could think of, causing Ranma’s jaw to drop. “Ya gotta be kiddin’ me!”
“That bad?” Ukyo asked.
Ranma responded by reproducing the images for the others — they’d put him in a state of mind where he couldn’t seriously consider Akane’s privacy.
Ukyo’s eyes went wide. “Oh, my goodness… that’s… that’s….”
Akane blushed beet red. “That’s what?”
“That’s it?! That’s what you consider to be perverted?!”
“Well, it’s…”
“It’s just sex! Ordinary, consensual, heterosexual, missionary position sex! Nothing else!” Ukyo could hardly believe that Akane could set her standard of decency so high that anything less than celibacy counted as a form of decency.
“I must admit, that is quite anticlimactic,” Kodachi concurred. “I was certain that your obsession with the subject was merely a cover for a wide variety of kinks and fetishes you might have. I hardly imagined that you could be so ignorant of the subject.”
“Exactly — that part of reason Shampoo think Akane must be pervert herself. Never expect that views on sex would be warped in other direction. By the way, how Kitchen Destroyer plan to have children if think normal sex is perverted?”
“Yeah,” Ranma said, “all yer thinkin’ about there is pretty much the same thing as makin’ babies. That can’t be perverted — people gotta do that, or we go extinct.”
“I… I….” Akane was losing her composure; she’d expected the others to be scandalized, but not because her thoughts about sex were too tame! “I don’t know….” She swallowed hard and tried again. “Well, I figure, once your married, it’s alright. But… but that’s it, I guess.”
Ukyo sighed. “Sugar, you are setting yourself up for the most boring sex life ever.”
“Ah, who cares if its boring?” Ranma said. “It ain’t like sex means anythin’ beyond havin’ kids.”
“What?!” chorused the girls (including Akane).
“Yeah, Pops explained it ta me. Sex nothin’ more than the way our species keeps itself around. It ain’t like there’s anythin’ special about it. I mean, I don’t see no reason ta do it unless ya want kids anyway.”
“Well, Ranchan, it does feel really good….”
“Pops says that’s the way we evolved. Sex feels good ’cuz we wouldn’t do it otherwise.”
“But what about the emotional part of sex?” Ukyo countered.
“There’s an emotional part ta sex?”
“Of course!” I should have know that the panda would mess things up.
“Yes,” Shampoo concurred. “Help unite partners, create stronger relationship.” Why do you think I’m always trying to convince you to sleep with me?
“Well, I, for one agree with you, Ranma-sama. The emotional aspect of sexual play is highly overrated.” Though I can’t see why you wouldn’t even want to have sex for fun. How am I supposed to snare you with pleasure if you don’t even want to be pleasured in the first place?
Ranma wasn’t quite sure what to make of the three girls who’d just spoken. He turned to the only one who hadn’t spoken on the subject. “Akane, at least you know what I mean, right?”
“Um, actually, I’m pretty sure Kasumi mentioned something about emotions when she gave me ‘the talk.’” I don’t really understand it, but Kasumi wouldn’t lie to me, right?
“No… she wouldn’t, would she?”
There was a pause in the conversation. Well, in the spoken conversation, anyway.
| “She wounldn’t”? That must be Kasumi. Though, what about Kasumi could provoke that kind of response? Wait… maybe Kasumi’s a pervert, and that’s what’s screwed up Akane…. | I don’t believe this… here I am feeling guilty for not being perverted enough. What kind of stupid idea is that? This is all Ranma’s fault. I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for having standards! It’s not my fault all the others are sluts! Pervert! You want me to feel guilty for not being a slut! | This is indeed an unexpected quandary. I had thought I could ultimately claim Ranma with the pleasures of the flesh; I never expected that I would have to convince my love that the pleasures of the flesh are worth seeking out. If he’s truly this reticent, perhaps I will need to use actual restraints, rather than the furry Velcro handcuffs. | Damn. It seems that Airen truly does believe that the only valid application for sex is procreation. Now I’ll never have a shot at his cursed form… he’d probably think I wanted him to bear a child, and his psyche simply isn’t capable of the pressures of motherhood. |
Ranma had had about all he could take. He slammed his hands on the table and stood up, shouting, “Yer all nuts!”
“What? What are you talking about Ranchan?”
“Don’t ‘Ranchan’ me! Yer the one thinkin’ about Kasumi havin’ sex with my girlform in furry handcuffs while I’m pregnant!”
“What?!”
“Or was that Akane? I can’t tell the difference any more — I can barely tell where one of ya stops an’ the other starts… ugh… I’m getting’ another headache….”
| Ranchan! | Airen! | Ranma-sama! | Ranma, you don’t understand…. |
“Ugh… I just wish someone would do somethin’ about the noise, if only for a few minutes….”
From behind Ranma, a voice spoke up: “I can take care of that.”
“Huh?” Ranma turned just in time to see a fist smash him square in the forehead, knocking him unconscious.
“Why’d you do that?!” Ukyo asked indignantly.
“If he’s unconscious, he can’t sense anything — including the four of you.”
“Never mind that,” Kodachi said. “Just who are you and what are you doing here?”
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(Posted Mon, 08 Jan 2007 05:54)
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