Even though Tokyo was one of the most densely populated metropolitan areas on the planet, this part of Nerima always had vacant lots available—mostly a byproduct of the local martial arts subculture. It was at one of these lots that Ranma now prepared to face off against a pair of moon men (if you could call them men) who were so rude that they made the stereotypical “Ugly American” tourist seem like the picture of cultural sensitivity by comparison.
"I applaud your bravery," Ignignokt said in his usual nonchalant voice, "but it is to no avail."
"Hey, man, what the %$!& does 'avail' mean?"
"It means we are not only badass, but are obviously smarter than him, because we can use the word 'avail' in a sentence."
“Will you guys shut up and start fightin’? I can’t wait all day ta kick yer ass,” the pigtailed martial artist said impatiently.
"HA! I'd like to see you try!" Err scoffed.
Their opponent merely shrugged his shoulders and proceed to comply with the request. “Moko Takabisha!” Ranma unleashed his signature move, letting fly a ball of concentrated ki that hit the ground just in front of where the Mooninites were standing—not because of any inaccuracies in their aim, but rather as a warning shot.
That warning, it seemed, was received loud and clear. "Holy $#!+, man, did you see that?!" Err yelped as he ducked behind his larger companion. "This guy's gonna %$!&ing kill us!"
It seemed that Ignignokt, however, wasn’t nearly as fazed—though admittedly that could have been the result of his inability to change the tone or pitch of his voice.
“Anticipatin’ what?” Ranma said, knowing full well he was giving these 8-bit losers an opening to use a time-worn cliché.
"...our mind-numbingly kickass Quad Laser!" the green one finished. Within seconds, the pair had interlocked their heads, with Ignignokt balancing upside-down on his diminutive comrade, each with vague abstractions of firearms in both hands. "Cower in fear, for we are about to commence our acts of asskicking and nametaking."
"Y'all better recognize!" concurred Err, as the duo pulled the triggers of their weapons, producing a large orange square that headed straight for Ranma—granted, it was moving slower than a Yugo with engine trouble (i.e., a Yugo), but nonetheless it was headed straight for Ranma.
The martial artist braced for impact, but after five seconds of impact-free bracing, he dropped his stance and stared at the slow moving projectile. “Uh, just outta curiosity, what exactly would this thing do if it me?”
"When it hits you—"
"The QUAD LASER permits no 'if,' beyotch!"
"—you shall be rendered naught but smoldering remains, identifiable only with the assistance of multiple psychic hotlines, as your DNA will be completely dismantled."
“Right… an’ if I do this?” Ranma took a step to his right, removing himself from the quad laser’s paper-thin line of fire (it was only two-dimensional, after all).
"What the—hey, no fair!"
Ranma ignored Err’s protests and proceeded to walk up to the interlocked pair, and with one finger, lightly pushed them over onto the ground.
"Cheater!"
“Morons,” Ranma retorted.
"Whatever," Ignignokt said derisively from his spot on the concrete. "We're going to go back to the Moon to get our secret Mooninite weapon, and then you shall rue the day you cross us."
Ranma responded by standing on top of the prone aliens.
"OW!" Err shouted. "What the hell are you doing?!"
“Makin’ sure ya don’t get that secret Moonie whatchamawhosis, that’s what. Besides, if ya leave, Akane won’t have a chance ta talk with ya about how ya tried ta get her drunk an’ then insulted her mom.”
There was a long pause before Ignignokt finally responded, "This... could be a problem...."
See other episodes by Kwakerjak
(Posted Fri, 25 Apr 2008 22:45)
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