Main Operations Center
The Pit
G.I. Joe Headquarters
Somewhere in the Arizona Desert
Clayton “Hawk” Abernathy hadn’t gotten to be a General in the United States Army without seeing his fair share of weirdness. A hidden city full of ancient snake-men? Check. A ninja master capable of expressing himself with just a look and body language? Check. A human chameleon? Triple check. One of these days he’d figure out how Zartan did it on such a tight budget. Might help in dealing with the pencil pushers at the Pentagon.
But a Japanese kid dropping into the middle of a classified, heavily guarded Special Ops base, claiming to be a ninja from another world? That was a new one. Said kid being so incoherent even Snake-Eyes couldn’t “translate” for him? Kamakura hadn’t stopped laughing yet.
“Kamakura, cut the comedy.” Hawk sighed. “We’re on our fourth Pit, and we don’t have the budget for a fifth. I want to know where the security hole is so we can plug it and maybe afford some ammunition this month.”
Snake-Eyes moved imperceptibly. Or stood stock-still. Or maybe blinked a couple of times. Hawk wasn’t sure.
“Silent Master says we wouldn’t have a problem with ammo if people paid more attention to his shuriken training,” Kamakura duly translated.
Being an officer, Hawk restrained himself from rolling his eyes.
Paid attention to what? His nostrils flaring? Breaking silent wind?
The orange-clad boy chose that moment to react to what Kamakura was saying, squirming in Shipwreck’s grasp and jawing away like a chipmunk on speed. Hawk once again regretted his decision to take Underwater Basket Weaving at West Point instead of Japanese. Granted it had come in handy that one time in Vietnam with the girl at the go-go bar, but she’d wound up shacking up with that group from the French Foreign Legion instead; now he was stuck waiting thirty seconds for Kamakura to interpret Snake-Eyes-nese every time the ninja had a stray opinion.
“He says he heard the word shuriken, so we must not be evil alien barbarians after all,” Kamakura said.
For that Naruto got stares from everyone gathered in the Ops Center.
“Either he’s a really good Cobra spy,” Shipwreck quipped, “or he came here straight from the funny farm.”
Cover Girl snorted.
“Look who’s talking, Mister One-Tequila-It’s-Showtunes-Time.”
“Hey! MacArthur Park is a musical masterpiece! Is it my fault you don’t appreciate good art?”
“Children! Enough!” Hawk snapped. “Can we get back to, you know, matters of national security here?”
Snake-Eyes moved his left pinky finger. Or was he flexing his pecs?
“Silent Master says the boy believes what he’s saying is the truth,” Kamakura noted. “No stress in his voice.”
“So, Cobra brainwashed him and stuck him in?” Hawk wondered.
Duke laughed.
“A kid this obvious? Even Cobra Commander isn’t that stupid.”
“You’re talking about a man who tried to ruin Christmas by way of mini Cobra grunts stuffed into presents,” Lady Jaye said. “Not to mention those giant amoebas he had Mindbender cook up.”
“Point,” the sergeant conceded.
Hawk considered it, but finally shook his head.
“Cobra Commander would never live it down if a kid did what he’s been trying to do for twenty years – get one over on us. I’m pretty sure he’s not behind this.”
Duke nodded slowly.
“He might not be, but there’s no reason the Baroness or Destro couldn’t have thought this up, or worse, Mindbender. Cobra’s had their share of rebellions. Hate to say it, but the kid’s gotta go in the brig until we can have somebody take a better look at him. Kamakura, you’re in charge of the guard detail; maybe the kid’ll give something away.”
“Why not Silent Master?” the apprentice ninja asked.
The buzzing of the intruder alert alarm going off was his answer.
“Because the kid’s Cobra buddies are moving in!” Shipwreck roared over the noise. “Toss the brat in the brig and then get your ass back up here! Oh, never mind, I’ll do it. Your buddy Tommy’s probably with them; tryin’ to keep track of a buncha ninjas in a fight always makes me dizzy anyway.”
Shipwreck tried to be patient with the kid. Really. It wasn’t his fault Cobra were a bunch of lying, thieving bastards who would brainwash little kids to get their way. But damn it, there was a fight going on, Hector Delgado was missing out, and the brig was three levels down.
Then he passed the mess hall and saw the meat locker.
“There, cool off while I go kick your Cobra buddies’ asses!”
It never quite occurred to the burly Joe that an eleven year-old kid in a thin orange jacket wouldn’t exactly be dressed for a sealed, locked, below-freezing meat locker.
That might have been dealt with eventually; Naruto was used to being abused and/or ignored. But then Shipwreck tried taking the direct way out of the mess – and knocked over a giant metal pot Roadblock had left simmering on the stove.
A pot full of ramen. Pork miso ramen.
Naruto could only watch in horror through the locker’s tiny window as the food of the gods poured out onto the floor, utterly wasted. His scream never made it past the sealed metal door.
He wept, tears freezing on his cheeks, as the noodles went limp and the soup poured down into the drain on the floor.
It must be true. He’d wanted so much to believe otherwise, but it had to be true now. These “Jiai Jo” people really were alien barbarians. Ramen-hating alien barbarians.
Had he stayed in Konoha, Naruto would have discovered the demon inside him soon enough, through Mizuki. All he knew at the moment was that the Jiai Jos had to be stopped, before they could ruin the dreams of hungry ramen-eaters all over the world.
A red haze descended over the world.
The GI Joe team might have been slightly underfunded, but Hawk knew his priorities. Provisions were kept under heavy lock and key; the last thing they needed was for the grunts to go on an eating binge with the nearest supermarket two hundred miles away through the desert. This was especially true for the meat locker.
The meat locker had been reinforced against Roadblock’s machine gun. Its lock was so tough even Snake-Eyes would have spent a day or two picking it. The door itself had been marketed as being grenade and explosive-proof.
Naruto tore it apart in less than fifteen seconds.
Even with the Kyubi running the show, the demon vessel took a moment to bow over the remains of the ramen pot, and then vanished in a red blur.
Arriving quickly back on the main level, Naruto moved to:
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(Posted Mon, 14 May 2007 21:53)
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らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
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