“All right, Ranma. That's enough,” Happosai called out to his thirteen year old heir who was currently practising the latest kata he had been taught by his master. “I want you to come over here for a moment.”
Ranma stopped what he was doing and walked over to his master. “What is it, Sensei?”
“Ranma, m'boy,” Happosai began, “You have come a long way in your training. I think it's time for you to start training in the more advanced techniques of the Founding School of Anything Goes Martial Arts.”
The Saotome heir's eyes lit up with joy. “You really mean it?”
“Yes,” Happosai nodded. “Now, before we start though, I want you to tell me what you know about girls and women.”
“Hmm,” Ranma cupped his chin in his hands in an imitation of a gesture his master used frequently. “Well, Pops always told me that girls were weak and useless.”
“No! Wrong! Try again!” The midget master reprimanded his heir with a bop on the head. “I don't want you to tell me the stupid non-sense your father said. I want to know what YOU think!”
“Err, uhm, hehe,” Ranma began hesitantly. He was a little embarrassed by the topic, but Happosai had been his master and surrogate father for years now. If he could tell somebody about the strange feelings he had been getting lately, it would be the founder of Anything Goes, right? “Well, I think they look, uhm, nice. And when they smile at me I feel really weird. Kind of warm and tingly.”
“Hah! That's my boy!” Happosai exclaimed, his chest puffing out with pride. His heir was well on his way to becoming a healthy young man with perfectly healthy urges.
“But don't you think it's weird and a distraction from the art?” Ranma asked, fearing his current master might have the same views on girls as his father.
“Not at all, Ranma m'boy,” Happosai reassured his heir. “It's perfectly normal for you to feel this way. I'd be concerned if that weren't the case.” Which certainly was true. He wouldn't be able to continue Ranma's training in the finer points of the Founding School of Anything Goes if his student wasn't interested in girls. Or, God forbid, if he developed a taste for men. “And it can only become a distraction from your training if it isn't handled properly, but during my long life I had plenty of time to work out the perfect training exercise to prevent this from happening.”
“Wow, you're really great, Sensei,” Ranma said, once more overcome by his master's seemingly bottomless wisdom. “What's that training exercise and how does it work?”
“Hahaha. I know, Ranma, I know,” Happosai replied, basking in the adoration of his young pupil. “It's a very complicated and even dangerous training exercise. It improves your stealth abilities, your speed, your agility and your level of pain tolerance.”
The pony-tailed youth's eyes became big with wonder. “Woah. That sounds like it's really hard. What do I have to do?”
“Yes, it's not something that should be attempted by a novice of the art,” the ancient grandmaster agreed with his pupil's assessment. “But don't worry, we'll start with the first stage of the exercise, which isn't quite as hard as the following stages.”
Happosai's last, casual remark fulfilled its purpose and managed to rouse the young Saotome's pride. Ranma's eyes glinted intensely and with his jaws set in determination he exclaimed, “Hah! Just you wait, Sensei. I'll be ready for the next stages of this training exercise before you know it!” Then he remembered that his master still hadn't told him what exactly he had to do for this special training. “So, what do I have to do?”
“It's quite simple, my boy. All you have to do is grab this bag here, go into town and grab young women's underwear from where they're hung to dry on clotheslines without anybody noticing you do it. Once your bag is full, you start screaming loudly 'What a haul! What a haul!' to get them to chase after you. But, and now comes the hard part, you mustn't let them catch you, or all the silky darlings you looted will be lost.”
Ranma had become increasingly uneasy during his master's description of the training exercise and he had started having serious doubts about the whole thing. “Are you sure this is right, Sensei? I don't see how stealing women's underwear without getting noticed helps me improve my speed, agility and pain tolerance.”
“Ranma, Ranma, Ranma,” the aged grandmaster shook his head in disappointment. “I thought I taught you better than that. Once they start chasing after you, you have to be really fast or they'll catch up to you. And when they do finally catch up to you, you have to be really quick and agile or they'll start beating you. And once they do start beating you, it will greatly improve your tolerance for pain and your recovery time from injuries.”
All right, so the training did have its uses, Ranma conceded to himself. Still, it didn't seem right to him to steal from girls. “I'm still not sure, Sensei. Girls have always been nice to me and invited me for ice-cream and stuff. I just think it's wrong to steal from them.”
“Ah, I see,” Happosai nodded thoughtfully. Then he looked his heir straight in the eye with a serious expression on his wrinkled old face. “I understand your concerns, my boy, but there are a few things you should be aware of: First, we don't steal their underwear, we liberate it from a dreary existence. And second, you're only feeling this way because you're still inexperienced when it comes to women and you don't know the truth, yet.”
“What is the truth, Sensei?” Ranma asked, now feeling bad for doubting his master who hadn't done anything harmful to him yet.
“First of all, you have to completely forget everything your father told you about girls,” Happosai began, “They're certainly not weak or useless. In fact, they're a lot more dangerous than men can ever hope to be, but only if you let them.”
“How's that, Sensei?”
“Women are wily, deceitful and ruthless. They use their womanly charms to lull you into a false sense of security by being nice to you and making you feel 'warm and tingly'. Then, when you least expect it from them, they strike you down and hurt you more than you could ever have imagined,” Happosai said with a serious tone of voice. Then his tone got kinder and more understanding and he continued, hoping his heir was gullible enough to buy his explanation. “Now do you understand, Ranma? It's not wrong to trick them into helping you with your martial arts training by liberating their underwear, they would do something a lot worse to you once they have the chance.”
“I guess so,” Ranma conceded reluctantly.
“That's my boy!” Happosai exclaimed happily and handed his heir the bag he usually used for his panty raids. “Now go and make your master proud!”
“Okay, Sensei.” Ranma took the bag and jumped on the nearest rooftop. He still had doubts about his master's story. Girls had always been only nice to him, he just couldn't imagine them hurting him so badly. But his master had been right in his training so far and the pony-tailed youth decided to go along with it for now. Maybe he could convince his master that he had been wrong?
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(Posted Sat, 03 Nov 2007 15:36)
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