We open on a small humanoid in a luchador mask, sitting on a stool before an antiquated laptop. “One two, one two, check-check it,” chanted the masked figure. “Check it. Check it. Check your e-mail.” A press of the Return key brought up a random message from his inbox. He read it.
|
Dear Strong Bad, Attached to this e-mail is a living, breathing person from another universe. Please show him about Free Country, USA. You will be compensated for your services. Many thanks, A Fan |
“A living, breathing person, eh, A?” the wrestleman simultaneously said and typed. “Well, let’s just see about that. Time for Edgar’s Hot Cousin’s Unziptease!”
The named application appeared on the Lappy 386 to a snatch of 4-bit fanfare. A progress bar filled as a Colecovision-quality young woman began unzipping her slinkily pixellated red dress, and a few seconds later…
“Nothing happened? You’ve got a lot of explaining to do, Fanzy,” typed/groused Strong Bad.
“{Um, excuse me?}”
“What the?” Strong Bad turned and beheld Ryoga Hibiki, who was looking about the room in utter confusion. “Strong Mad, when did you get a new outfit? And a neck?”
“{Could you tell me where I am?}” asked the Lost Boy.
“I’m sorry,” replied the middle Brother Strong. “I don’t speak E-Mail Attachment. Man, how am I supposed to get that recompensation if this guy don’t talk no English good?”
“Strong Bad, have you seen my fishnets? I can’t bust any fresh not dancing if I’m not properly attired.” A high pitched voice and grey rotund body signaled the entrance of Strong Sad.
Strong Bad glared at his younger brother. “Not now, Lardacus. I’ll attire your properlies later. Right now I have a visitor from another dimension, via e-mail!”
“Do you even try to make sense anymore?” pondered the pessimist.
“{Do either of you speak Japanese?}” Ryoga asked desperately.
Strong Sad, surprisingly, nodded and replied in the same tongue. “{I have some familiarity with the language. I welcome you to my home.}”
“Whoa!” Needless to say, Strong Bad was astonished. “When did you learn to speak E-Mail Attachment, Dumperton?”
“It’s Japanese,” his brother corrected. “I take language correspondence courses in between sessions of counting lumps of plaster on the ceiling.”
Strong Bad would normally have responded with a sarcastic comment or body blow at this point, but the increasingly confused Ryoga chose this moment to ask “{Could one of you please tell me what’s going on?}”
Shortly after the Senshi arrived in Juuban, they dispersed to their various homes. Makoto offered lodgings to Su and Shinobu for the night. However, less than hour later, communicators began to ring, and four soldiers of Love and Justice™ received the same message. “Guys, it’s Makoto. We have a definite situation. Get here ASAP.” Shortly afterward, the seven Senshi were in a huddle in the familiar apartment.
“Would you like to explain how all this happened, Artemis?” Minako said menacingly.
“Why are you assuming this is my fault?” the tom cried indignantly.
Rei explained. “An attractive girl nearly injures a cat and stoops down to make sure it’s alright. Snuggles and a bit of fish may be involved. Sounds like something you’d try.”
“She has a point,” noted Luna.
“Of course you’d agree,” Artemis snarled. “You were the one who blew our cover!”
Gasps of shock and surprise followed this revelation. “Luna, how could you?” Usagi asked, tears welling up.
The black Mau sighed. “It’s not like I planned this. There I was, minding my own business and acting suitably feline, when that maniac came down like a meteor on a bicycle and nearly flattened me!”
“So you shouted ‘Watch where you’re going, you madwoman!’”
Luna nodded. “Yes, I— You weren’t supposed to tell them that!”
Artemis shrugged. “She’s in the next room making dinner. Not much of a secret.”
“In any case,” Makoto said hurriedly, before a literal catfight broke out, “how do we explain this? She could be a major security risk.”
“You mean no one’s ever noticed a talking cat here before?” Shinobu asked incredulously. Kuro, Kanako’s cat and ventriloquism partner, still loomed large in her memory.
“Normally they’re very careful,” said Rei.
“Yes, it’s just that no one’s ever dropped out of thin air on a bicycle a whisker’s width away from us.” Luna was still a bit defensive on the slip-up.
“Do you think she could be a Zodiac Senshi?” asked Usagi.
Minako shook her head. “We can’t tell without the Crystal.”
Su was oddly quiet, thinking of ways to incorporate a bicycle in Keitaro’s daily good morning boot-to-the-head.
“What we talking about?” Everyone but Su flinched back as they realized Shampoo was amongst them.
“Heh heh… How long have you been there?” asked Minako, wearing a smile that was little more than bared teeth.
“Not long. Shampoo done making dinner. Make enough for everyone. Is too too delicious. Come, eat!”
Usagi and Su needed no further encouragement. The others hurried to the table soon afterwards simply to ensure they got something before it was all devoured.
“So,” said Rei as the big eaters dueled for the last spring roll, “why are you staying here, Shampoo?”
“Shampoo and others from Nerima searching Japan for Airen,” replied the Amazon.
Usagi triumphantly swallowed the last morsel before asking “‘Airen’?”
“Is Shampoo’s groom. Defeated Shampoo in combat, and Shampoo give Kiss of Marriage. Is binding by Amazon Law.”
Makoto raised an eyebrow. “Seems like a pretty odd law. What if it was an accident, or the guy has an unfair advantage? Or if it’s a girl?”
“Law is law,” Shampoo said firmly. “Is no point in arguing.” Her eyes narrowed. “And female who defeat Amazon no receive Kiss of Marriage, but Kiss of Death.”
There was a fair amount of cautious chair scooting away from Shampoo’s seat. “So, why stay here if you’re looking for him?” asked Minako, desperate for a subject change.
“Airen is clever. If no want be found, will not be easy. So, Shampoo send cats to look for Airen while wait here and look for news of massive destruction. If cat find Airen, is too too easy to tell it him.” Shampoo grinned like one of her shanghaied spies.
Luna sighed. “In short, she’s blackmailing us. Either we wander around until we trigger some poor boy’s ailurophobia, or she reveals our secret to the world.”
“Meanwhile,” griped Artemis, “she gets to stay here watching the news and goofing around online.”
“Um, so what is your fiancé’s name? asked Shinobu, eager to help. After all, the sooner the boy was found, the sooner they could free the nice kitties from their servitude to this strange girl.
“Is Saotome Ranma. You know?”
The Senshi glanced at one another hesitantly. There was much sweatdropping. Finally, Rei said, “You could say that…”
“‘You could say that’? What’s that supposed to mean?” demanded Haruka. The Senshi of Uranus was not pleased. The flight had been delayed, security had hounded them about Motoko’s sword until Michiru offered autographs, Haruka herself had been forced to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor, the kid in back of her kept throwing up the whole time, the flight attendants ran out of Dr Pepper and salted peanuts, the movie was BioDome with Pauly Shore, and she often found herself wishing three of the airplane’s engines would burn out.
“I mean,” said Setsuna, who had some how finagled a first-class seat, “that I have not been to Washington, D.C. since before it was burned to the ground in the War of 1812. So you’ll have to pardon me if my memory of the area is a tad sketchy.”
“Can’t we just use the Zodiac Crystal to guide us?” asked Mokoto, whose flight experience trapped between the window and a sleeping Michiru had been…interesting. She still couldn’t make eye contact with the woman.
“All evidence indicates we still have the element of surprise on our side,” explained Setsuna. “A beam of magical light going from us to our target isn’t the best way of maintaining it. For now, we look for the museum the hard way.”
“Right.” Ami, for whom the flight had acted as a period of computer detox, had everything planned out. “We’ll separate the city into quadrants. Motoko and I will take the the northeast. Haruka will take the northwest, Michiru the southeast, and Setsuna and Hotaru—” She paused. Hotaru wasn’t where she’d last been. “Where’s Hotaru?”
The girl in question came back from a balloon vendor, one of his wares in hand. “I got directions from that nice man. And he gave me one of his balloons for free!”
Ami paused. “Or that,” she conceded.
The Senshi followed their smallest member. The salesman smiled and waved as they walked out of the park. As they went out of sight, a trail of black particles flowed out and away from the man.
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(Posted Sun, 27 Jan 2008 00:06)
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