"You're serious? What a jackass."
Two succubi, Xia and Angrida, leaned up against the wall smoking their felweed cigarettes and complaining about their jobs. Mother Shahraz wouldn't let them smoke inside, so they stood on the Illidari Training Grounds, watching the hordes of fel orcs drill and train for the inevitable conflict with the Legion, the Alliance, the Horde, or all three.
"Seriously. Human chick shows up out of nowhere and Illidan acts like they're bestest friends, and all Kael cares about is finishing up his massage." Xia took one last, long drag from her cigarette, flicked away the butt, and sighed. "You know, some days I think, you know, the Legion wasn't all that bad. At least there you got some respect."
"Girl, I'm telling you, you've got to get yourself assigned to entertain the fel orcs. Poor, dumb bastards have no idea what sex is, I take them into one of the private bedchambers and play patty-cake or checkers with them for half an hour or so and they come out all happy and refreshed." Angrida grinned. "Easiest damn work I've had in my life."
Xia reached into her handbag and produced another cigarette, then held it away from herself at arm's length. "Yeah, well, I'd still have Kael bothering me, he doesn't care what my real job is. And the blood elves aren't too bad. I just have to ridiculously overstate their prowess and attractiveness." Xia winced as Supremus, the burning abyssal construct patrolling around the perimeter, walked past them and the wreath of fel flames around its body ignited the tip of her cigarette. She quickly brought her hand back to her mouth to suck on the burned fingertips, then took a satisfying drag. "Honestly, I'm not that surprised that when a strange human shows up, Lord Illidan makes her his trusted confidante. Dunno if you've noticed, but it's not like we've got very competent leadership here."
Angrida shrugged. "Eh, whaddya gonna do? Not like Kil'Jaeden was doing much better. It was all 'blarg, we hate everything, all of you just go to the first object that crosses your field of vision and beat it with a stick, an EVIL, FEL stick!"
Xia grinned slyly. "We could pull a Voren'thal. Go join the Naaru. They seem to know what they're doing."
Angrida slapped her on the thigh. "Girl, get over yourself, Naaru aren't gonna take in someone like you."
She laughed, playfully insulted. "They totally would, I'll have you know I can do a perfect Draenei! Okay, okay, watch." Xia cracked her knuckles, pulled the hair out of her face, and shifted her posture to be straighter and more uptight. "Allo! I am Draenei from Exodar, yes? I have dumb glowing thing on forehead and big superiority complex! I come to vorship big glowing vindchime by hitting zhings vith improbable crystal hammer!"
Angrida tried to say something back, but she was winced over in near-silent hissing laughter, unable to respond.
"Vhat? Vhy is it you are laughing? Is because ve say ve are originals and Eredar came from us? Because zhat is totally vhat happened, for honest! Ve are not zhe demons, ve hit zhe demons wizh sticks!"
"Ooh, ooh, let me try!" Angrida closed her eyes and shook her face in an exaggerated display of 'getting into character' and spoke in a similar faux-Draenei accent. "Vhat is zhat, pink person whose species I hav never seen before? Of course ve vill be blood brothers vith you forever! Ve alzo zhink the bull-people and zhe blue people we hav alzo never seen must be destroyed! Ov course you can come in our secret sanctum and vander around! Feel free to drink from our vater fountains -- yes, zhey are made of lead, vhy do you ask?"
At this point Xia was doubled over, biting her knuckle in silent laughter, which was quite unfortunate for her. The next thing she heard wasn't more mockery of the followers of Velen, but an enraged hiss-shout coming from behind her. "YOU THINK THISSSSS ISSSSS FUNNY?"
Xia yelped in surprise, dropped her cigarette, and whirled about on one hoof to see the imposing form of the naga sorceress Lady Vashj, two of her four arms wrapped around her chest to cover her breasts. Xia had no idea where her top had went, or, for that matter, why a non-mammalian snake-woman had breasts to cover.
"WELL, SSSSUCCUBUSSSS? DO YOU SSSSOMEHOW FIND THISSSS AMUSSSSING?" the sorceress accused, and with a python-like speed she shot forward and grabbed Xia's throat in one of her free hands, holding her a good two feet off the ground. "DOESSSS THE SSSSEX DEMON FIND IT REWARDING TO DISSSSROBE HER SSSSUPERIORSSSS?"
"Gack," was Xia's reasoned and eloquent response, a form of Sayaadi shorthand for 'I never should have got out of bed this morning.'
"Vashj!" Illidan croaked from across the grounds. "Restrain your anger if you can't find a more appropriate target to unleash it upon. Put her down."
"I am ssorry, masster..." Vashj let go and Xia fell to the floor in an undignified heap of hooves, tail, wings and ass. "Sshe wass mocking me -- I wass wayliad on my way from Sserpentsshrine--"
"Oh-hohohoho-HO! Your BRA was stolen!" Kodachi crowed as if she'd just found the final piece to a grand riddle. Vashj was surprised by not just the fact that a human girl was here speaking to her, but that she was four feet away from her. With Superemus tromping around, it was impossible to hear anyone else's footsteps. "And allow me to guess! It was taken by a horrid, shrunken little man who had no interest in engaging you past the effort required to steal your undergarments?"
"Yesss... And who are you, again?"
"Clearly I was not the only one to traverse the barrier betwixt worlds!" Kodachi grinned manically, the only way she knew how to grin. "The perverted martial artist Happosai has followed me to this Outland!"
Illidan stroked his chin. "Another wanderer from your world... An ally, or enemy?"
"An ally to none, and an enemy to any woman with a bra or panties. But!" She ran a black rose across her chin with a flourish, miraculously unpierced by a single thorn. "Also a master of secrets and techniques best left forgotten. Perhaps a technique to jump across worlds -- one that will be wrung out of him once the thorns of the Black Rose sink into his flesh!"
"Wait, I'm confused," said one of Vashj's Myrmidion guards, scratching the side of his neck. "How do you know each other, again?"
"So that's about what happened on Earth, Gazlowe. Everyone is pretty worked up about Iraq, but it really doesn't hold a candle to this Dark Portal." Nabiki shrugged and shifted her seating, Gazlowe didn't have any human-sized chairs so she was sitting on the floor. "It's certainly nothing compared to Azeroth."
"Eh, I like hearing about that Earth place. It's a good story." He leaned back and set his feet up on the table, something Nabiki would do as well if the table was higher than her shin. "No magic, no demons out of nowhere, the whole thing's like a well-written thriller! You're surprised when the housing market collapses, but you think, 'all of that was out in the open, man, I should have seen it coming!'"
"That's one way of looking at it, I suppose." Nabiki took a long slurp from her cup, drawing out the last of the swiftthistle tea -- it tasted awful, but she didn't want to be an ingracious guest, and it did have quite a bit of pick-me-up. "I doubt you'd look at it the same way if you lived there. So, did you have something planned for the rest of the day, or are we going to continue to reminisce?"
"Ah, that's the Nabiki I know, not one to sit on her laurels. You remember our little challenge last time, where we each started with a raw sunfish and the first one to trade up to one gold piece without using any other supplies won?"
Her eyebrow arched and she smiled playfully. "I remember I wanted a rematch after your wind rider dropped me off in the middle of Winters-Spring."
"I remember you looked ADORABLE in that sundress, prancing about Booty Bay after you lost!" Gazlowe snapped his fingers and his Merchant's Guild servant produced a small chest filled with ice and two raw sunfish, preserved in the cold. "I'm always open for a rematch, little girl! But gold's a lot easier to come by now, it practically falls from the skies in Outland... I'm sure you'd be happy to raise the stakes?"
"Ten gold it is, you copper-pinch!" She grinned. "Just make sure your tailor cuts your dress nice and toasty, because when I win, you'll be entertaining the workers up in Everlook!"
Read the comments on this episode
(Posted Thu, 06 Nov 2008 05:11)
Questions? Problems? Suggestions?
Send a mail to addventure@bast-enterprises.de
or use the contact form.
らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
All other series and their characters are © by their respective creators or owners. No claims of ownership of these characters are implied by the authors of this Addventure, or should be inferred.
The Anime Addventure is a non-profit site.