They were prepared for almost anything. A feral beast born from an alley cat. A hulking monstrosity that had once been a homeless man. Perhaps even a vaguely robotic possessed insect. They knew to expect anything, but that didn’t make them unflappable. As Dominus exited the alley, huddled in his newly stolen body, he proved it.
“Is that?”
“I think so.”
“Stay on your guard.”
“But Pluto, it’s—”
“It’s being possessed by a youma. Anything is dangerous in that state.”
Mars lifted the fog of narrative vagueness. “Yes, but a vending machine?” Indeed, Dominus had apparently dominated a Pocari Sweat dispenser. Not even a particularly threatening Pocari Sweat dispenser, especially since the possession seemed limited to enabling the appliance to make short hops.
Pluto’s serious expression did not waver. “It’s a classic tactic. Feign weakness to hide your true strength. We need to take it out as soon as possible. Dead—”
CHI-CLUNK
KLONK
“Pluto!”
The vending machine is an exemplar of Western civilization, combining technology, convenience, commerce, and empty calories. Japan has taken it, as it has with so many other exemplars of Western civilization, from the hamburger to the game show, and distorted it nearly beyond recognition. Virtually anything, from beer to collectable insects, from pizza to schoolgirls’ used panties, can be purchased from a vending machine in a large Japanese city.
Now, imagine if all of these sundry-selling systems were brought together under one malevolent will…
The machine proved that the Senshi of Time was right to be cautious. As she was charging her attack, the device dispensed and launched a can of Pocari that hit her right between the eyes. Mercury knelt at her side. “Are you alright? How many fingers am I holding up?”
“Purple.”
Mars was not amused. (OK, maybe a little, but now was not the time.) “Let’s see how you burn now. FIRE—”
CHI-CLUNK
“SOUL!”
Flame met electrolyte filled aluminum, making the can explode in an oddly refreshing mist not more than a yard in front of Sailor Mars. The possessed machine gave a harsh beep as Dominus settled in to his new form. Oddly enough, the sound after that was more often associated with a Transformer than anything from Sailor Moon. Arms and legs folded out of the side and rear of the mechanism,, and a head emerged from a hatch in the top. The possessor broke in this last component with a smirk. “Nice try.”
A voice came from behind him. “SHINE AQUA ILLUSION!”
Dominus smirked again, and the front of the vending machine, which was still intact after the transformation, shifted. That is, it rolled to one side as though some unseen reader was rapidly moving from one portion of a scroll to another. Once the Pocari-themed edifice was replaced with that of a hot drink dispenser, the mechanical monstrosity’s back opened, revealing several fiercely glowing heating elements. These flared white, literally vaporizing Mercury’s attack. The entire process, from sneer to counterattack, took less than a second.
“That was hardly sporting,” noted Dominus. “I thought you girls fought for Honor and Fairness and such.”
Mars snarled. “You wish.”
Pluto added to the rebuttal. “Feldspar.”
The Tendo household was unusually peaceful, given the current male-to-female ratio. Keeping Genma locked in his room with an increasingly impatient Nabiki helped in this regard, as did Kasumi’s wonderful taste in tea. Most helpful of all was that Akane had yet to accuse Ranma of anything perverted despite the half-dozen strangers who had asked to see him. Sure, she had a few nagging suspicions, but she kept them to herself and kept an open mind about the whole thing. It wouldn’t do to give her future teammates a bad first impression, even if the younger blonde kept making eyes at her fiancé…
“So,” said Ranma, after introductions were made, stories were told, and Osaka’s nature was explained, “we’ve got two new Senshi who need Amulets, an’ you four ‘r’ here t’ make sure they get ‘em.”
“Exactly,” said Michiru, between sips of the exquisite brew,
“’K then, let’s get th’ ball rollin’.” Ranma produced the Zodiac Crystal. “Who wants t’ go first?”
Sakaki stood, surprising everyone, herself included. “I will.”
Ranma blinked. The girl had barely said anything other than her name. ‘Guess she’s one o’ them strong, silent types.’ He shrugged and handed her the jewel. Once she took hold of it, a beam shot out of the jewel. “Well,” noted Ranma, “this one’ll be easy.”
“What’s in that direction?” asked Makoto.
Kasumi considered this. “The Suzuharas’ house, the open market, an ice cream shop—” She was interrupted by the phone. “Hello?” A pause. “Yes, yes he is. Would you like to— Ah, very well then.” “No, we’re just entertaining some new friends of his.” “Is it green? Probably ours then. Have a nice day.”
Akane asked the obvious. “Who was it?”
“Cologne. She wanted to know why a beam of light was pointing towards her stockroom.”
The assembled looked at the other end of the beam of light in question.
“Like I said,” noted Ranma, “easy.”
Haruka frowned. “It seems too easy. What do you know about this ‘Cologne’ person?”
“Oh, she’s the matriarch of a remote tribe of woman warriors in the Byankala mountain range in China. She came to Nerima to ensure her great-granddaughter Shampoo will win the battle for Ranma’s affection, especially since the two have been legally wed since Ranma defeated Shampoo, according to the laws of the tribe. Since her arrival, she has either hindered or aided Ranma, depending on the situation and her own rather inscrutable disposition.” Kasumi smiled and added, “More tea?”
The Uranian Senshi blinked at the exposition dump and nodded numbly.
Meanwhile, Ranma turned to Osaka. “So, y’ wanna get the location of yer Amulet taken care of b’fore we go?”
The girl shook her head. “It’s fine.”
“Y’sure?”
She nodded. “No problem.” A thought occurred to her. “Hey y’ know that gender-change curse thing o’ yours?”
“How could I forget it?”
“Well, if y’ stick yer head in cold water and yer feet in hot water, do y’—”
“Well,” Ranma said to the room at large, “we ain’t got time t’ waste! Let’s get to the Nekohanten!”
Sakaki gave a confused look. “We only just got here…”
“Yessir, off to the Nekohanten! No time to waste! Can’t stop to answer any questions!” By this point, the others had to leave or get left behind.
The battle was not going well for the Senshi. Pluto was only now staggering to her feet, Mercury was trying to scan Dominus in between onslaughts of snack products, and Mars was busy with a swarm of large beetles that the youma had dispensed and animated. All seemed lost when a projectile blindsided the vending machine and sliced through several beetles.
“Tuxedo Kamen!” cried both Inner Senshi. Then they noticed that there was no sign of a rose piercing asphalt.
All of the combatants looked up and saw not a formally attired flower tosser backed by flamenco music, but the Moon Princess returning her tiara to its usual position. “Vending machines are meant to bring nourishment and happiness to a weary, rushed populace! For disrupting that sacred duty, in the name of the Moon, I will punish you!”
“A fine speech, Sailor Moon,” deadpanned Dominus. “I have but one question.”
“Forget it!” shouted Mars, who had finally incinerated the last of the insects.
“Mars, hold.” Moon frowned at her foe. “Ask your question.”
“It is a simple one.” The front of Dominus’s body scrolled again. “Explain to me how machines such as this fit into that so-called ‘sacred duty.’” Sure enough, his body was now offering used panties for sale.
There was an awkward pause for some time. A Hibiki tumbleweed passed through. Finally, Moon nodded. “Take him out.”
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(Posted Sun, 21 Dec 2008 02:26)
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