The Celestial Filing Repository is a set of five mind-bogglingly huge buildings in Heaven. They contain the metadata of the universe and everything in it. In each building, there are innumerable filing cabinets, each with a label, such as “Pulsars,” “Horseshoe Crabs,” or “Philosophies.” In each cabinet, there are files, one for each instance of something that belongs in that cabinet. In each file, there are sheets of paper printed with the data that translates itself to the aspect of reality identified by the name on the file. The Repository is self-updating, but not self-maintaining, so a number of angels are assigned to the task of ensuring the fabric of the universe doesn’t spontaneously unravel (or, for that matter, transmute itself into polyester.)
There is some debate in various heavenly circles about whether or not the CFR should be retired and a system similar to the Yggdrassil two realities over should be instituted instead. Those for reform note the incredible amount of space and labor currently needed for universal maintenance. Those against cite the time and resources that would be needed to create the new system, transcribe the data, train system administrators, and so forth. When the Holiest of Holies was asked of His/Her/Its/Their opinion, He/She/It/They smiled ineffably. As with most of His/Her/Its/Their actions, this only intensified debate. In any case, the events of this story were a definite plus for the pro-reform camp.
“Schlemiel!” The shout echoed through Building Five of the Repository, responsible for the files for mortal lives.
“Y…yes, sir?” For an angel, Schlemiel was surprisingly less than immaculate. He was short, thin, actually needed the glasses he wore, and had an unfortunate tendency to trip over the long flowing robes that were the angelic uniform, including his own.
His superior, Zaniel, wasn’t the typical image of the angelic either. He was tall, burly, overbearing, and prone to bluster. His complexion tended towards brick red, his halo had a slight tendency to ignite without provocation, and his beard looked like it had once been a particularly virtuous Brillo pad. “Would you care to tell me,” he growled, “what these are?” He slammed two file folders onto Schlemiel’s desk.
The lesser angel nervously adjusted his glasses. “T-they appear to be folders from this Building, Sir. The ones for—”
“I know who they are for!” boomed Zaniel. “The problem is what they contain!” As an archangel, Zaniel was entitled to occasional italicization for even his spoken words.
“Sir?”
The greater angel whipped open one folder. “Compare the name on the folder with that in the data itself.”
Schlemiel’s unease faded as he entered the familiar realm of his work. “Hmm… Sir, I don’t see the problem here. Same name.”
“Did you check given and family names?”
This gave Schlemiel a significant pause. “Oh dear.” It had been the end of a very busy day. He’d started too only look at one to save time.
The grin on Zaniel’s face seemed more suited for Down Below. “Oh yes. Oh dear indeed. But that’s not the worst part. You scrambled the data between these two files so badly, it’s going to take us weeks to sort out who’s what.”
The weedy angel swallowed nervously. “I…I suppose I’ll be performing the sorting, Sir?”
Zaniel laughed deeply, slowly, and humorlessly. “Oh, you should be so lucky. But no, you have a different assignment, my dear Schlemiel.”
The subordinate paled. It was never a good thing when Zaniel called you “his dear such-and-such.”
The overbuilt angel continued with as much sadism as a faultless being could manage. “No, you will be far too busy keeping both of your victims on track with their destinies!”
Schlemiel’s skin faded to a shade of alabaster that nicely complemented the walls of the Repository Building. “T-these files are from the Destined Persons cabinet?”
“Oh yes. You, my dear little Schlemiel, are going to be duplicated, and both of you will be keeping these two from destroying their respective timelines. Both of these…”
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(Posted Fri, 09 Jan 2009 16:59)
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