Ranma had not even been at school for five minutes before he heard the dreaded yell.
"Hey, Icha Icha Ninja! Still playing 'doctor'?"
Ranma groaned, hoping that no one heard that. Alas, he knew it was a futile wish.
"Hey, brat, why are you calling Ranma, 'Icha Icha Ninja'?" Ino inquired as she whacked Naruto over the head for good measure.
Other members of the class seemed to be listening in. While Sasuke didn't appear to be, he was leaning a bit towards Naruto. Ranma wondered why he was wearing a do-rag today.
Sakura huffed. "Really, why ask why the loser does anything?"
Naruto smirked, knowing he knew something no one else did. Ranma sighed upon seeing Naruto's expression; nothing would stop things now.
"Well, when I was at the Hokage's office yesterday," Naruto's captive audience leaned forward to catch every single syllable, "I overheard some gossip." Ranma tried to slowly slip away while no one was paying him any attention. Naruto caught his arm, pulled him closer, and pointed at him. "Ranma here has been holding out on us."
"Is this true, Ranma?" Suddenly the whole class was looking at him, waiting for Ranma to answer Kiba.
"Uh, well ... you see-" Ranma stammered, trying to think up a convincing lie.
Naruto nodded, happily. "Yes, Ranma knows a whole bunch of techniques he's never shown us. Since his mom won't let him read any scrolls, he studied something else instead."
"Oh?" The class waited on Naruto's dramatic pause with baited breath.
"Icha Icha Paradise!" Naruto proclaimed loudly, pointing his hands upwards in emphasis.
Many students slapped their own faces. "You dum-dum," Sakura began to yell. "You don't honestly expect us to believe that someone could learn ninja skills from that stupid book?"
Ranma's red face, though, gave him away.
Naruto shrugged. "Fine, don't believe me. Why not ask Ranma for a demonstration?"
Suddenly, Ranma got an idea on how to stall the pain, even if for just a minute. Sorry, but if you're taking me down I'm bringing you with me.
"Hey, Naruto," Ranma asked innocently, "why did Iruka-sensei have to bring you to the Hokage office, yesterday after school?"
"Oh that?" Naruto waved it off. "He just caught me slipping some hair remover into Emo's shampoo. I figured his hair was an affront to ducks' asses everywhere. Now it isn't."
"WHAT!" Sasuke screamed as he stood up, whipping off his do-rag to show shiny, baby-bottom smooth skin. "You did this to me?"
Suddenly, Naruto found himself surrounded by irate fan-girls. If death glares could kill, Naruto would have been joining his parents in the afterlife. "How could you do that to my Sasuke?" came out of more then one set of lips.
"What do you mean your Sasuke?" Ranma thought the surround sound echo to be slightly unnerving.
Naruto gulped; Sasuke looked very pissed off. Even more so than that time Naruto tried to convince him that the only reason Itachi didn't kill him was because he was adopted and not a true Uchiha.
Sasuke stormed into the middle of the group, "Why you little-"
However, he got interrupted by a Möko Takabisha knocking him backwards. "Hey, I'm talking to the brat. Take your own turn," Ranma stated forcefully. The sooner you cream Naruto, the sooner the class can return to the original topic of me being the Icha Icha Ninja. Sorry, but I can't let that happen.
Sasuke began to dance around in a lewd manner; his arms were flailing all over his body, and then he began to rip his clothes off.
"Oh my god! Naruto was right!" Ino screeched.
"It's a perverted technique that makes people strip and dance for Ranma's pleasure!" Sakura agreed. However, both girls and the rest of Sasuke's fangirls became thoroughly engrossed in the sight of a naked Sasuke shimmying about the classroom.
Ranma couldn't believe his eyes. Of all the dumb luck.
"Geesh, thanks, Saotome," Naruto sarcastically whispered near Ranma. "Do you know how long it took me to make packets of itching powder that would release when I triggered it? Do you even know how hard it was to sneak them into Emo's clothes? Huh, do you?"
"Whatever, twerp." Ranma growled in a soft voice. "And I won't be able to eat ramen with you after school. Me and Nabiki will probably be training Yakumo."
Naruto shrugged. "I figured as much yesterday."
Ranma sighed, knowing that at some point, after the girls got their perverted fix of the day - or Sasuke got some clothes back on, whichever came first - he was in for the pervert bashing of a lifetime.
In the corner of the room, Nabiki just dropped her head into her hands, amazed yet again at Ranma's luck. Fortunately, as always, my involvement goes unnoticed.
After school, Nabiki's day went from amusing - entertained by watching Ranma squirm - to annoying. Her younger sister, Akane, took it upon herself to make sure Nabiki went straight home. This would have been fine with Nabiki, as she had every intention of going home. But Akane was just being insufferable, walking along besides Nabiki and tormenting her by treating Nabiki like some prisoner.
"...Mom wouldn't tell me what you did, but I bet it had something to do with Ranma. I told Kasumi you're too different - you're not a spy from Suna, are you? - but all she said was that you're just beginning to notice boys. I don't know why, they're so icky icky. Like the book that Tsuchi says boys like to read, Icky Icky Pairs of Dice. I'm never going to like boys, I don't care if Kasumi says everyone says that when they're young. So what did you do? Tsuchi said she heard some rumor that Ranma's a pervert and you're his pimp. What's a pimp? Is it like a pimple? ..."
Worst of all, Akane didn't seem to ever shut up on that walk home. It made it hard for Nabiki to think. What a day! I did make a bundle, though. All of the fangirls, pheh, wanted to know the secret to Ranma-baby's technique. They claimed it was too protect Sasuke from any future perversions. *Snicker* Yeah, right! *Sigh* That was the only highlight. Man, being grounded sucks! I can't believe I have to rely on Ranma to go pick up Yakumo and escort her safely to my house. I'm afraid to think what could go wrong.
However, neither knew that the Kuramas felt more comfortable walking their daughter to the Tendos themselves. As school ended, Nabiki told Ranma to go get Yakumo since she was grounded.
Ranma waited nervously for someone to answer his knock. Shuffling his feet, he was aware of more then one pair of eyes on him.
Finally, the doors opened to reveal a scowling Unkai Kurama. "What are you doing here?"
"Uh?" Ranma blinked, taken aback. "I'm here to pick up Kurama-san for her training."
Unkai frowned. "Her parents just left with her, to go to Tendo-san's place. If you hurry, you may be able to catch up."
Ranma nodded. "Thank you, sir." Turning on his heels, he sped off.
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See other episodes by Errol Peregrinus
(Posted Sat, 17 Jan 2009 03:28)
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