I stared at my father, incredulous. This had to be a joke. The single most elaborate practical joke that I had ever heard of. Everybody had to be in on it. I turned to look at my sisters. They were both annoyed, clearly caught off guard by the sudden revelation. But it had to be a joke. Had to be. So why wasn't Akane, little miss "heart on her sleeve" showing any emotional response other than flat out irritation? Kasumi, certainly, she had a fairly tight control over her emotional responses. But Akane? If this was a joke, and she was in on it, Akane wouldn't have been able to resist the slightest glimmer of a smirk. But the corners of her lips remained deeply, firmly, irritatingly entrenched in the downwards position. Which is exactly the response I would have expected from her to begin with.
Here we were, sitting across from our father, being told that at some point today one of us would be meeting our future husband. It's strange, really. Father's sense of humour was always more... corny. Cheesy. Or to be most accurate, not remotely funny to anyone but himself. But this, this had the mark of a master behind it. The setup, the execution, the attention to detail... And even though I had figured out that it was a prank, I had no idea what the payoff was! For all I knew, it was the fact that I was supposed to figure it out and then drive herself insane trying to figure the whole thing out! Who was involved in this? Who wasn't? Father had to be, that much was obvious. He wouldn't even be saying anything like this to us unless he was aware of what was going on. My sisters weren't necessarily part of it. Who else could be involved?
Well fine. I'd play along for now. Someone would slip up. The more intricate the plan, and the more people involved, the more likely it was that someone would make a mistake.
"Fiance?" I asked with carefully feigned amusement. First, I would find the mastermind. Then I would drain their wallet so hard it would collapse into a black hole. As amusing and brilliant as all this was, nobody tried to pull one over on me. Not twice, anyway.
"Yes," father replied with a sort of eagerness I hadn't seen in him for... when had I ever seen him like this, come to think? "The son of a very good friend of mine," he continued. "The son's name is Ranma Saotome." Of course it would be. Why wouldn't it? I tuned out this backstory fluff, having a pretty good idea of what was going to be said anyway. What was more important was figuring out just when this joke was being set up, so I could at least figure out who was behind it.
At the time, I'd brushed this off as a simple coincidence. Or perhaps this Rumiko Takahashi had a friend that knew the family? It wasn't worth my time to investigate either possibility, because what would I do about it? Besides which, the series was a lot of fun. Perhaps partly because I knew some of the people involved, but who could say?
All too soon, the next school year rolled around. My idiot classmate just walked right up to me, big wad of bills in hand, and asked all sorts of questions about my little sister. According to eye witness accounts, I had just grabbed the bill out of his hands and started answering them while counting off the money and storing it away. I say eyewitness accounts because the money had managed to capture my undivided attention. It was when Akane's training as a martial artist was mentioned that Kuno let out a triumphant cry and ran excitedly from the room. At least, that was what everybody else said had happened. I didn't really think all that much of it at the time. But then, nor was I thinking of anything else but the easy money carefully tucked away. It was later on in the week that I would understand the relevance of what had transpired, when Kuno had made the declaration: "If you wish to take Akane out... defeat her! I will permit no other terms!"
The meaning of this speech wasn't lost on me in the slightest. As he had been talking, I was busy watching the crowd. It seemed obvious that Kuno had read the manga and was simply having a laugh. That's certainly what everybody else thought at first, when they slowly burst into thunderous laughter and left him to his own devices. He shouted at them to stop laughing, which just provoked further, louder laughter. It also caused the nearby teachers and faculties a great deal of confusion. I sought out Akane for her opinion, and found her standing next to her two friends. Yuka and Sayuri, I think they were called? The two of them were laughing alongside the rest, while Akane glared at them.
"I don't see what's so funny! Was that idiot trying to embarrass us both?"
"Oh, lighten up Akane!" Sayuri managed to choke out between laughs, "Who in their right mind would really plan to ask you - anyone- out by challenging them to a fight? It's absurd! It must have been a joke."
After thinking about it for a bit, Akane agreed. Nobody in their right mind would do anything like that.
On the next Monday morning, that statement were proven right. When Akane and I arrived at the school entrance, everybody else in their right mind was standing anxiously by a window, staring out onto the entrance. Which left Kuno standing there, waiting for us to arrive, sniffing on a bright red rose. He looked ridiculous. This wasn't anything new, but it bears saying. It always bears saying.
"Fair Akane," he began, gesturing to the nearly empty school courtyard "It is all too clear that I alone appreciate the true brilliance of your endless beauty." I think Akane choked down a laugh at this point. Kuno's flowery speech has this effect on people.
"Oh, come on Kuno," I said, "We've all had a good laugh, we get the joke. Can we please go inside?"
For the first time, Kuno allowed his attention to waver from the source of his infatuation. He fixed me with steely eyes, and said "As hard as it may be for one so heartless as yourself to understand, love is no joke! You may pass, but I am challenging your sister to combat! And when I stand victorious, she will be permitted to date with me!" his attention snapped back to Akane instantly, and his bokken was raised into a ready position. "Please lose with dignity, my love!"
I have very little experience in auras, but it's more than most people get. All three of us (myself, Kasumi and Akane) were trained to use and notice them to some small degree when we were younger. In that instant we both knew Kuno was seriously intending to challenge Akane. I hid inside the school building, and watched from the doorway as Akane trounced the idiot. I say trounced, but it was fairly obvious Kuno wasn't fighting at his strongest. I'd seen him in kendo matches, representing the school. Regardless, Akane had won. She seemed to believe that the matter was settled, and went about her life as normal. But then, there was a second day. And a fifth. And a tenth. It went on and on with no signs of stopping.
My assumption at the time had been fairly straightforward. Kuno is too easy to read for him to be acting out a joke that convincingly for any meaningful length of time. In hushed whispers throughout Furinkan, out of earshot of both Kuno and Akane - they tried to keep me out too, but I had a few of their number in my pocket already - about how the manga was somehow predicting the future. I call bull-crap. It's nonsense! If anyone had the capacity to predict the future with such accuracy, why bother having those predictions published? Without putting too much effort, I could think of half a dozen ways to make more money, more discretely, and quicker. But to eliminate that, there had to be another possibility. Which came easily enough. Someone in the school had given Kuno the bright idea to do this, and he went along with it. Gullible fool that he is. Some unknown idiot set the whole thing up for a laugh, an in joke based around a coincidence and I considered the matter closed. I gained nothing from investigating who set up a joke. That time could be used in much more productive ways, so the matter was swiftly pushed to the back of my mind. Until today, when someone tried to take the joke just a little bit further. And somehow got father involved.
There was a loud crash at the door, bringing me back to reality. I smiled, realising what was about to happen. Whoever had set this up had been thorough in their preparation. It left me wondering exactly how thorough they had been...
With a new eagerness and curiosity, I ran just slightly ahead of my father to see what the pay-off for this little gag would be. The panda wasn't all that much of a surprise, although how authentic the suit looked caught me off guard. I almost instinctively retreated, but stood fast and held my ground.
"Put me down! You're scaring them spitless!"
Ah, there's "Ranma" now. She was planted feet first in front of us, revealing to an already nervous family just how strong that panda really was. But anyway, the girl. A cursory look, and... they certainly got the appearance perfect. I wonder when the "male" Ranma will be showing up? How will they set up the 'curse'?
"And you are?"
"Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
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(Posted Thu, 14 May 2009 00:19)
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