"Right," said the cat. "Your first wish was to be a Proper Ninja Hero and to be better at the ninja stuff than Sasuke. And mostly you are."
"Yeah, I... 'mostly'?" asked Naruto.
"You're on a different track of ninja," explained Toltiir, causing images of both boys to appear in midair. "Sasuke uses the following tropes."
"'Tropes'?" asked Naruto.
"Yes, basically these are ways of summing up a particular person and how they seem to function." Toltiir brought up an text box next to Sasuke's image. "He's 'The Rival', 'Lancer', 'Last Of His Kind' (sort of), 'Arrogant Kung Fu Guy', 'Byronic Hero', and so on."
"A wha? I don't know ANY of that stuff," complained Naruto.
"Whereas you," indicated Toltiir, bringing up a text box up next to Naruto's image similar to the one next to Sasuke's image.
"More stuff I don't know," complained Naruto, eyes narrowed as he read this one. "'The Ace' - isn't that something to do with cards? 'All-Loving Hero'? That sounds kinda pervy. 'Butt Monkey' - that DEFINITELY sounds pervy."
"Touch the term for a description and examples," said Toltiir, getting out a magazine and starting to read it.
"Huh, well," said Naruto, touching one of the many unfamiliar terms. "Oh."
Time sped sideways. Toltiir finished fifteen magazines and made a neat stack of them.
"AGH! Waitaminute! How did I end up on 'Did We Just Have Tea With Cthulhu'?!"
"You're lucky this is a time-independent pocket universe," said Toltiir. "People have lost entire days getting lost in that stuff. Are you ready?"
"Huh," said Naruto. "How do I get back?"
Toltiir blinked and reset both text-boxes as well as the other ones that Naruto had opened while going through the various links. Of course, that left open several other major characters' images hanging in midair like those of Sasuke and Naruto.
"Okay, I kinda disagree with this," said Naruto, pointing at but not touching the 'All-Loving Hero' term. "I kinda wish it was true."
"Well, that should certainly alter a few things," indicated Toltiir. "Especially when combined with your first wish."
"Wait a minute, so what's going on now?" asked Naruto.
"When your third wish is given, all three will be going from this point on, unless of course you want to wish for something to be retroactive," said Toltiir.
"Uhm, so what if things were reproactive?" asked Naruto.
"Hmmm, let's see," said the Being, making a gesture.
"It's Unnatural!" indicated a villager.
"Uhm," said another villager. "Ninja village. Isn't 'unnatural' pretty normal?"
"That demon child is consorting with animals!" pointed out the first villager.
"He has wild birds and squirrels playing with him," said the second villager, who was noting that a lot of the crowd was looking a bit uncertain about all this themselves. "Which kinda goes against him actually being 'demonic' don't it?"
The crowd watched as the little boy nodded at something a squirrel was apparently telling him while birds landed all around him and a pair of weasels played at his feet.
"Why do I have a feeling that there should be a musical number playing in the background?" asked another of the villagers in the crowd.
Little six-year-old Naruto abruptly vanished.
There was a brief scream.
Which was followed by a little girl being almost-dragged out from behind some trashcans to be introduced by the little boy to the squirrels, songbirds, and even the pair of weasels.
"Lady Hinata, you should absolutely NOT associate with that boy," said Ko Hyuga of the Branch Family.
"Why not?" asked Hinata hesitantly.
"Because he's not a proper ninja," reasoned Ko. "Proper ninja don't make friends with forest animals, cause plants to grow in their presence, or have things like 'therapy no jutsu' - the very thought is improper."
"They - they don't?" asked the little girl, thinking that all of the above was actually pretty awesome.
"No, not all, Lady Hinata," said Ko, relieved that he was reaching the Main Branch girl. "A ninja must be able to strike without warning, without mercy."
"Oh," said Hinata, considering that. She looked into one of her sleeves. "S-Sorry."
Ko leaned closer to look at whatever was moving around in Hinata's jacket.
Which, of course, was when a weasel leapt out and latched onto his face.
Naruto turned to the n-dimensional being. "What's all that about?"
"If hiding a crazed attack weasel in your jacket is NOT a valid ninja strategy, it should be," said Toltiir.
"No, not that," said Naruto, before pausing and thinking about it for a moment. "Though you're right. No. What I meant was what was those scenes about?"
"Oh, you were asking what it would be like if your first two wishes were retconned," said Toltiir. "Something like that. With your increase in physical stats being because you wrestled lions and tigers and bears and squirrels and all."
"Oh," said Naruto. "And if it wasn't done like that?"
"Then something like this," said Toltiir to the eleven-year-old.
"I don't get it," said Kiba. "How'd you get so much better?"
"Friends," said Naruto.
"You ain't got no friends," responded Kiba.
"Kuchiyose no jutsu!" went Naruto, slapping a hand onto the ground.
"You rang, boss?" asked a mouse in a black ninja suit.
"A mouse? What good is a mouse?" asked Kiba.
"You want we should rough him up, boss?" asked the ninja mouse.
"Hah! I'd like to see you try," said Kiba.
"Go ahead," said Naruto.
"Like I'm worried about some stupid little mouse," began Kiba.
"ATTACK!" declared the ninja mouse. "Blood for the blood god! Ramen for the ramen god!"
"FOR THE RAMEN GODDDDDD!" screamed thousands of ninja-mice as they seemed to materialize from every possible nook and cranny and charged Kiba.
Naruto sat back and watched the clouds as the sound of combat echoed through the schoolyard.
"Troublesome," sighed Shikamaru.
"CUUUUUUTEEEEE!" squeed about four of the female Academy students on seeing halberd-wielding ninja-mice riding songbirds into battle.
"Or something like that," said Toltiir. "I see another possibility where you got Tenten involved in making wee little weaponry for your soldiers. Giving her something cute and potentially deadly to work with."
"Who's Tenten?" asked Naruto, not knowing her at this point.
"A girl. If you go that route, she'd essentially be taking the 'Cool Big Sister' position."
"That doesn't sound so bad," admitted Naruto. "But why mice?"
"You save a mouse's life, it hangs around and becomes your animal sidekick/spy briefly, gets you the contract thereafter. Why? Would you prefer something else?"
"Well, I dunno, what else would actually work here?" asked Naruto.
"Pixies, though admittedly I'd have to put that in there," said Toltiir. "As to available ones, I'm checking. Hmmm. Wow. Looks like there's a lot of summoning contracts out there where there's currently no human contractor."
"Really? How come?" asked Naruto.
"The last holder of the summoning contract dying and the contract getting lost as a result," said Toltiir. "Some still have lesser contracts active like bats and hawks and spiders. The full contract though is lost. Wolves, bats, dolphins, Birds Of Prey, cats, wombats, ratel, songbirds, squid, lindwurm, lizards, seabirds, and elementals have all been lost."
"What's a lindwurm?" asked Naruto.
Toltiir caused an image to appear. "Giant armored carnivorous lizard. Tends to be not too intelligent. Probably ate his last summoner. I'll add for your consideration: dinosaurs, Summer Court, Winter Court, or the Seven Heroes."
Naruto scratched his head, then came up with an appropriate question for an eleven year old would-be ninja. "Which is the coolest one?"
"Hard question for me," admitted Toltiir. "I'm not exactly human you know. Maybe this?"
THOOM THOOM THOOM!
Naruto looked up at the massive head that was looking down on him. "COOOL! What is it?!"
"A variation of Tyrannosaurus Rex, here - give him a Snickers. Tyrannosaurs love Snickers."
The extremely large creature sniffed the air as soon as the wrapper was open and looked very expectant. As soon as Naruto threw it into the air, those jaws snapped shut on it with a sound of DOOM.
"He's kinda cool," admitted Naruto as the dinosaur faded away. Just before it finished fading away it grinned and snorted. "Though I think the mice probably aren't gonna cause people to panic the way the big guy would."
"True," said Toltiir. Judging from Naruto's reaction it might be something to stick in there for later anyway.
[Added: Language: Celestial]
"What was that for?!" asked Naruto.
"That's odd," said Toltiir, his smirkiness momentarily replaced with curiosity. "I didn't do that."
"What? Who did?" asked Naruto, looking around.
"Most curious," said the cat. "This warehouse has been dimensionally isolated, essentially making it a pocket dimension unto itself. I can only think of fifty or sixty beings that could reach in and influence things like that. To sneak away immediately thereafter? Maybe two dozen. Who else is interested in you, Naruto Uzumaki?"
"I don't know, what's 'Celestial' mean?"
"Celestial is a base language that revolves around the concept of True Names, and a very very debased version of it is at the heart of what you call fuuinjutsu," said Toltiir, cocking his head. "Very odd. And somewhat intriguing. Giving you a basic understanding of Celestial could produce interesting results in fuuinjutsu, so I'll let it stand."
"So, it's not a bad thing?" asked Naruto.
"No, now if you screwed up something and unmade someone - THAT would be bad," said Toltiir. "Giving you quantum bombs would be less of a problem."
[Friend Of Nature Ability: Animal Communication Enabled]
"Ah! There's another one!" declared Naruto.
"Uhm, no. That one actually WAS me," said Toltiir.
"What was that for then?" asked Naruto, a little alarmed at things being added without his say-so.
"Well, it kind of goes with the whole 'friend of nature' part," pointed out Toltiir. "Being able to get at least the gist of what they're running on about just sort of goes with the picture don't it?"
"I suppose," said Naruto.
Age six:
"AHHH!" said Naruto as he landed inside the fence.
"Little brat," said an ANBU. "Stray animals running up to you. Birds coming down out of the trees. Let's see you get out of this."
Throwing stars were hurled, causing Naruto to run away.
"Filthy demon spawn," said the ANBU.
"Uhm, excuse me," said another ANBU, suddenly there. "Who are you? Because 'Owl' is currently behind you, three inches shorter, and has a bit of a beer-belly."
"It's not a beer belly, I've just got problems from that uneven patchwork that got done when I got a spear through my gut," complained Owl.
"It's too late," said the fake Owl. "Konoha's secret weapon - whatever it is - will die by your own weapon farm."
"Uhm, right," said Wren. "You threw a boy who instantly befriends and talks to animals into the Forest Of Death. You must be from Iwa."
After a few moments of silence, the real Owl spoke. "Why do you think he's from Iwa?"
"Because in Kumo they're at least half-wits," said Wren. "Ba-dum-swish."
"So you guys are the apex predators of the Forest Of Death? That is SO neat!" declared Naruto. "We should be good friends!"
"Hokage-sama! We caught the infiltrator that threw Naruto into the Forest of Death! Ibiki is interrogating him even now!"
"Hokage-sama! Naruto Uzumaki came out of the Forest Of Death, leading a pack of giant tigers!"
Naruto stared at the image of his younger self riding a giant tiger.
"Maybe that's too much," noted Toltiir.
"No no no! That looks good right there!" declared Naruto.
"I think it's a bit much, maybe later during the Chunin Exams or something," said Toltiir, redoing that and trying again.
Naruto sulked. "-but I really liked the pack-brother to a buncha giant tigers bit. I never get giant tigers."
"Maybe this," said Toltiir.
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(Posted Thu, 01 May 2014 19:02)
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