This was the third time the mysterious voice had called him up to make mysterious comments that dealt with things going on in his so-called life.
He went over the comments that the voice had made in this last phone call, trying to make sense of them all.
It/he had said that it had no name, having existed before names. That it was going to grant him a wish and use that to shift things from the way things were. That it was doing it for the potential laughs.
The idea that the universe had a sense of humor and/or irony was not a new one to Shinji. The idea that Someone Up There had it in for him was also not a new one, though since Second Impact the idea of religion had pretty much died out worldwide.
The idea that this was something older than the universe and was looking to amuse itself was immediately rejected. The universe was everything that was, and therefore nothing could be older than that.
Still, whatever it was, it had Answers. Or at least claimed to have Answers.
Shinji thought a moment and decided to test it. It wasn't like he was doing anything else at the moment. Then, if he didn't get an answer he liked - use the tactic that he'd used on teachers in the past - stall them until they gave up and went away.
"Why are the Angels always attacking Tokyo-3 anyway?"
"Because they are incomplete, and incomplete - the natural urge is to complete themselves. They do not perceive this World the same way you do, Shinji Ikari, and they can sense something within the Geofront that draws them like moths to a flame."
"Like... what? They're drawn to the NERV cafeteria or something?" asked an openly skeptical Shinji.
"No, Shinji. They are not drawn to the Key Lime Pie that is on special at the cafeteria. It IS rather tasty, particularly with a scoop of their homemade-style vanilla ice cream. They are not trying to get the Rei Ayanami bobblehead dolls for the dashboards of their cars."
"There are no Rei Ayanami bobblehead dolls available at NERV," said Shinji.
"There are now. I got bored."
"You got bored?" asked Shinji.
"And I amused myself by creating a Gift Shop at a so-called top secret facility where there are now Rei Ayanami dashboard-mount bobblehead dolls that are occasionally sold."
"People would buy such a thing?" asked Shinji, trying to picture it.
"Well, they certainly aren't buying the Gendo dolls. Apparently too many people think they're creepy."
"You're very strange," stated Shinji.
"No, I guess I can see their point. Weird how the eyes seem to follow you."
"What kind of merchandise do I have?" asked Shinji.
"None. Nobody thought you'd sell."
"Oh," commented Shinji.
"Weird. You'd think they'd get you a videogame or something. Maybe something like 'Fate/Stay Night' with multiple endings and a harem route, running NERV and allocating resources, maybe weapon designing and research and the like."
"Except maybe it's a top secret facility?" asked Shinji.
"That is publically funded through the United Nations and that everyone knows about. Using 'giant robots' to fight in the biggest surviving city in Tokyo, at least if you figure square miles."
"They don't even let people know about the giant robots!" protested Shinji.
"Puh-leeze. Do you realize how many people automated cameras and left them running in the city after the second big fight? People are continually loading the footage up to YouTube, which takes them down as classified shortly thereafter but that just causes people to get more clever and find other ways of posting the footage."
"They do?" asked Shinji.
"Japanese as a group tend to follow rules and follow the herd. Don't upset the group, don't stand out. That is a tendency however, and individuals will find ways around that."
"That's weird," commented Shinji.
"Done stalling yet?"
"Look, I'm having trouble believing any of this? Can I just see an example-" began Shinji.
She flipped her cell closed and looked around the deserted streets. Frowning, she walked over to the landline phone and picked it up.
"Due to the nature of the emergency, all landlines and links are currently unavailable."
"Yeah, go figure," she said, setting the phone back in its cradle. "Damn useless anyway."
Rotating one arm to clear a little stiffness in it, she walked back to her bike and settled into place. Then the helmet went on. "So - this is the intersection. Where's that bimbo? Making me come all this way."
There was a brief glimpse of someone, a guy with blue hair, then a pressure wave rolled through that made the power lines overhead whip around.
"What. The Hell?!" she asked as a kaiju or something damn close to it walked into view and apparently ignored all the military vehicles throwing missiles and bullets its way.
When the Thing there began getting closer, there really was only one thing to do.
"F*** THIS SH**!" she yelled, turning her bike around and squealing tires as she left at very high speeds.
A few moments later, she noticed a car behind her. After a minute, a piece of debris hit that car.
Cursing herself for it, she doubled back to get the damn driver and get out of the way of that thing.
Shinji blinked. Shinji blinked again. Shinji blinked a third time.
"You asked for it."
"WHEN DID I ASK TO BE A GIRL?!"
"You didn't ask NOT to be a girl, did you?"
"THAT SHOULDN'T BE NECESSARY!"
"I thought you might find it interesting to see things from another point of view. Would you have rather been a cute fashion-obsessed girl as opposed to a tomboy type?"
"Not the point!" pointed out Shinji.
"You're still stalling. Does this mean that you reject the chance that you're being given?"
"Well, if you're giving me a wish - maybe I'd just want a double bacon cheeseburger and fries!"
The voice on the phone was silent for a moment. "I can throw that in. If that's what you want. It's hardly going to make a difference though."
"And what's so bad about this future you see for me anyway?!" demanded Shinji.
The waves, reddish with orange foam, crashed on the shore.
Shinji gulped and looked around himself wildly. "What? Where am I? Where's..."
There was him. There he was choking the life out of Asuka. There he was choking the life out of a not-struggling Asuka with a giant decaying Rei head in the background.
"WHAT THE F*** IS THIS?!" demanded Shinji.
The scene faded out, then reappeared.
The other Shinji was gone, but there was Asuka still lying there. Lifeless eyes looked skyward.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Shinji realized he was still holding the phone and held it back up.
"This is the future. Six months after you initiated Third Impact."
"You're saying I did this?!" asked Shinji, sweeping his unoccupied arm out.
"Everything is dead. Down to the bacterial level. There is simply Shinji Ikari. Supposedly those whose individuality was ripped from them to become fluid can regain their individuality and become human again, but that would require an individual decision and awareness of individuality. Since neither exist, even those who would be horrified by their current state are unable to free themselves. This is the world you wished for at the moment of Third Impact. This is what you could avoid."
"But if I wished for this, isn't this what I wanted?" asked Shinji.
"So that's it? You're stalling so that you don't have to make any decision here?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," said Shinji.
"I see. Perhaps I should simply replace you instead."
"Wait. What? What do you mean repla-"
Poof! Rewind! Pause!
"There we go. Shinji Ikari is now replaced with-"
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(Posted Sat, 16 Nov 2013 23:19)
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らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
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