“I am not making you ramen to think about it,” the chaos-god-possessed-priest spoke.
“… I wasn’t thinking that,” Naruto stated quickly.
“… Really?”
“Yes!”
“God, here,” the priest spoke, pointing at himself.
“So?”
“It means I can read your mind.”
“… Oh.”
“Yeah, ‘oh’,” he replied. “I wouldn’t be able to grant a wish and determine the costs, if I couldn’t make certain that it was both what you wanted and something you could pay.
“WHICH MEANS I KNOW THE REST OF YOU ARE AWAKE!” he called out to the sleeping ninjas.
“What!?” Naruto yelled out, turning to them. “But I thought you were asleep!”
“Like we are that trusting of this place,” Sasuke snorted out.
“Chaos Shrine, Naruto,” Kakashi waved off. “You should never relax too much in an unknown place.
“Wow, information you might have wanted to impart to them yesterday,” the God spoke, before stirring the fire. “Or … you know … teach them anything yesterday … or the day before … or the week before…”
“Hey now,” Kakashi stated, raising both his hands in mock-truce, “I have taught them many things.”
“You’ve taught them the horrors of being the Fire Daimyo’s cat, being poked in the ass hurts, teamwork is built upon by leaving a member of the group, tied to a log, in the middle of a training ground.”
Kakashi just arched his exposed eyebrow.
“God, remember?”
“Fine,” Kakashi sighed, putting up a token resistance to the charges.
“Why are you helping Naruto?” Sasuke asked.
“Child of Prophecy.”
The three blinked, before looking at Naruto.
“What?” the Orange Menace asked.
“You can’t be serious,” Sasuke sighed.
“I’m not. Sirius is a guy who got royally screwed by a reality-defining author. I’m a chaos god older than most universes.”
“…”
“What? As a God, I’m allowed to break the Fourth, Fifth, and up to the Twenty-Sixth Wall if necessary.”
“Can we move on?” Sasuke asked.
“Fine.”
“I got it!” Naruto cried out.
“Oh, this will be good.”
“I wish—”
“Nope, try again.”
“… Huh?”
“God, remember; so I know what you wanted before you could say it. Therefore, in order of what is going through your puberty-driven ADHD mind: not well defined, you would never know if she loved you for you or the wish, I would have to reduce every ninja to a toddler with no memories to make you the most powerful in the land, wiping them out with a floating piece of fecal matter the Juubi let out before it was sealed would be easier, nice to see puberty working on you but I still won’t do that, and he’d be dead by tomorrow night if I removed that metaphorical stick from his ass.”
The group was once more staring at Naruto. “You had that many possible wishes?” Kakashi asked.
“Love who?” demanded Sasuka.
“I do not have a stick up my ass, Dobe!” snarled Sasuke.
“Oh come on!” Naruto demanded. “How can I get awesome like you showed me!?”
The priest just merely smiled.
“But you shot those wishes down!”
“No; I shot down you doing it the easy way.”
Naruto thought for a moment, before his eyes opened wide. “Like I told Konohamaru!”
“Exactly!” stated the smirking God.
“So,” Naruto stated, looking thoughtful, “if I want to become awesome, I need to learn to be awesome…”
“Which is what your team Sensei is for,” Kakashi offered.
“… Really?” asked the God. “Once again, name one technique you offered to teach them, taught them, or told them where to go to learn.”
“… I’m starting to think you underestimate the value of teamwork.”
“… If the drunk was awake, he’d be saying what his grandson will be saying in a few days’ time,” the God muttered.
“Okay!” Naruto chirped. “If I want to be strong, I need to learn to be strong. And if I want to learn to be strong, I need a strong teacher who is way better than Kakashi-sensei!”
“I’m still here, you know.”
“Me as well,” Sasuke spoke up.
“Now that hurts,” Kakashi whined.
“I agree!” Sakura stated, fire in her eyes.
“…” went Kakashi, a tear in his eye.
“Right!” Naruto stated. “So my wish should be … that I wish we had an awesome teacher!”
“I was right at the beginning,” Kakashi muttered. “I hate you all.”
“Good wish!” the Chaos Entity stated. “So, each of you shall be getting an awesome teacher!”
“… Say wha?” asked Naruto.
“Well, you each have individual abilities, strengths, weaknesses, skills, and talents. As such, giving you just one teacher total would fail to give you the individual attention you would need to maximize your potential.
“Add on to that the simple fact you used the pronoun ‘we’ instead of ‘I’, denoting you wanted your team to enjoy the benefits of the wish as well.
“So instead, I shall give you each an individual, keyed to help you, and each other.
“In fact, your teachers will help each other grow, in turn, helping you grow even further!”
“… Awesome!” Naruto chirped.
“First, Kakashi!”
“Da fuck!”
Everyone turned to stare at Sakura.
“… You heard me,” she replied meekly, blushing.
“… Anyway,” the God replied, “the wish includes all of you—including said teacher, so Kakashi will get someone to kick his ass in gear!”
“… Uh-oh,” Kakashi muttered, eye nervous, wondering just who the God was going to assign to him.
“So, I’m breaking a few rules—because the local Shinigami is a kabuki-cosplay asshole, and restore his dead teammate!”
“Wha—” was as far as Kakashi got, before the sound of a Kage Bunshin being summoned with the accompanying smoke made an appearance, revealing…
“Wha- what?” asked the young girl with the marks on her cheeks. “Where?”
Kakashi stared, slowly reaching up and uncovering his Sharingan, then slowly covering it back up.
“I couldn't do Obito because he's not dead.”
Naruto watched as Kakashi's visible eye rolled up and he fainted.
“Uhm,” said Naruto. “Hi. Naruto Uzumaki here. Hidden Leaf village.”
“Rin Nohara, also Hidden Leaf...” Rin looked around. “Any idea what's going on?”
“Oh, Chaos God is giving us super-awesome teachers to make up for Kakashi-sensei being such a crappy one,” Naruto offered.
Blinking, the new Hidden Leaf ninja blinked, before looking around. “… KAI!” she called.
Nothing happened.
“Not a genjutsu,” offered Sakura.
“O-okay,” Rin responded, before looking nervously at herself.
“No worries,” the God waved off. “It already came back, and as of recently, is now inside the body of the controlled Fourth Mizukage, which I think is partially because Obito has a hard-on for fucking over Mist anyway he can.”
“… Oh, than—wait, what?” Rin asked, eyes wide.
“Moving on,” the God spoke. “Next, we have Sakura, who—while she can be helped by Rin into the blossoming field of non-fangirl usefulness—”
“HEY!” yelled Sakura.
“As I was saying, she needs something that Rin cannot provide: the ability to NOT be kidnapped constantly like a lazy princess from the Mushroom Kingdom.”
“HEY!” Rin yelled.
“Where’s that at?” Naruto asked Sasuke.
“Never heard of it,” Sasuke replied. “Might be near Demon Country; I think my father often complained about the Uchiha Elders wanting mushrooms from near there…”
“Can I continue?”
“Sure,” Naruto chirped.
“Thank you.
“Now, for a bit of randomness, I shall give her someone who can help her learn to avoid being used as bait—and just happen to pay off a bet I lost to a Goddess in a reality where the odds worked out for her…
“I play, Britanny, the Were-cheetah, in attack mode!” he yelled out, pulling out a small card, and slamming it on his wrist bracer.
In a shimmering whirlpool of light, a seven-foot were-cheetah in spandex appeared.
Blinking, the large hybrid looked around, before pinching the bridge of her nose. “Damn it, Gina,” she muttered.
“Actually, I pulled you here,” the God replied, grabbing her attention. “And—spoiler alert—I pulled you after you died, so I also sealed up your memories for a bit until you regain your Fires of Youth, and restored your body to your late teens.
“I also gave you the local language in your head.”
“… Why?” Britanny asked.
“Paying off a cat-Goddess—which is why you now lack the ability to enthrall, but you have to want to infect someone—as well as giving you a chance for an enjoyable life of battle, love, and bringing fashion to a world without.”
“… I see, a holy mission,” Britanny nodded.
“Yes … well … let’s go with that.” It was technically true, as he was a God; he was putting her on a mission, so it all worked out.
And if it kept her from asking for a paycheck, all the better.
“Next, the brooding Uchiha!”
“I’ll be honest here,” Sasuke replied, looking at the two, “I’m having a lack of faith in your choices.”
“Doesn’t matter; as I don’t particularly care that your lack of faith is the least disturbed thing about you.
“Now, for you, I shall restore to live the most skilled user of the Sharingan.”
“… Excellent,” Sasuke smiled. He could think of several in legends, legends that would educate him in a multitude of ways to kill Itachi.
“Oddly, she spent that mastery looking for hot men in the village and shopping, thus never went beyond a mere Genin.
“Energize!”
Sasuke just blinked. That sounded like… “NOO—”
A shimmering light of a Star Trek transporter appeared, leaving…
“I present, Midori Uchiha!”
“—OOOOOOOO!”
The girl blinked, looking around, before focusing on Sasuke. “… Duck-butt?”
Sasuke took a step back, facing the only Uchiha he had not cried for after the Massacre, an Uchiha feared by many…
In fact, what he didn’t know was that this was the one Uchiha that Obito had personally wanted to kill. Not that she had any powers or abilities that could be a threat to his plans…
She was just so damned annoying, giving every Uchiha an embarrassing nickname. She gave Shisui the nickname ‘Lonely Boy’, and Obito felt he got off easy compared to the name she gave him.
Sasuke’s … was duck-butt, because of how his hair looked. And now, confronted with his most annoying relative, for the first time since the Massacre, his eyes activated.
“Hey! Duck-butt; your Sharingan formed!”
And for a shining moment, Sasuke wanted to kill someone even more than his brother.
“And finally, the main character: Naruto!”
Slowly, Naruto looked at the three who had been summoned already. Rin was poking the unconscious form of Kakashi, the catgirl was talking to Sakura about something called ‘make-up’, and Sasuke was currently receiving a noogie from the girl summoned for him. “So, who do I get?”
“Well, considering how everything is against you, I wanna be honest here.”
“Okay.”
“You need some MAJOR help,” the God spoke. “We need to redo your basics, work our way up, enhance what you are good at, and train out of you the stupid and flawed stuff you were trained in.
“Luckily, Kakashi taught you nothing, so that saves us redoing anything from the last month.”
“… Yeah?” asked Naruto.
The God twitched. “O~kay, so, while I cannot bring you someone who would probably take on all the dangers themselves, I can bend the rules a bit more for you, because as I said, you are a Child of Prophecy…
“So, behold the viewing globe!”
Blinking, Naruto looked around. “What globe?”
Blinking owlishly, the deity looked around, before sighing heavily. “Fine, but seriously, there was a globe here and … and the priest just informed me his granddaughter broke it and is buying a new one on her way back…
“Well, this is embarrassing,” he muttered, scratching his head. “Luckily, I’m not stupid enough to call myself infallible…
“Fine, watch the viewing … wall,” the figure said, motioning to a nearby paper wall, which immediately started to show scenes…
Scenes of a man with a long coat, walking around practicing students…
Scenes of a man, fighting battles without end…
Scenes of a man, standing before a giant ten-tailed monstrosity, surrounded by a desolate landscape…
Scenes of the battle those two waged against each other…
A scene of the man somehow drawing the beast inside himself, a seal appearing over the body…
A final scene of the man, standing amongst rejoicing people, smiles all around…
“That was just a bit of the life of the Great Sage of the Six Paths, the Rikudō Sennin, and his battle with the Jūbi.”
“Wow,” Naruto muttered in awe. “So … he’s gonna be my teacher!?” he asked with excitement.
“What? No!” the elder God replied. Seeing the kid’s questioning look, he continued. “Now, Naruto, if I brought this guy back, from before his death, he would solve all your problems, and you would learn very little.
“What more, it would piss off all—and I do mean all—of the local powers, and trust me, while I can ignore their calls and bitching, you and yours wouldn’t have that option, and no one—not even me—would enjoy the chaos that would follow.
“However, there are more options. For you see, this man was not always as great as he was. Like you, he had to struggle, to learn, to grow in every way, to become the legend he is now.
“So, while I cannot give you the Sage, I can give you someone with the exact same potential, who will help you become strong, while you help him become strong.”
Naruto slowly nodded. “So he can be like the Sage, but only if I help him. And in return, I’ll get stronger as well?”
The figure nodded. “Yep, and here’s a little secret for you,” he said, waving the boy over. Bending down, he whispered into the boy’s ear. “The Sage had family, who became known as the Senju and the Uchiha. And the Senju had a branch line, who became known as … the Uzumaki.”
Seeing Naruto’s wide-eyed look, he nodded. “In a way, he is you great-great-add a few hundred greats here-grandpa.”
Naruto blinked for a moment. “Wait; I’m related to Duck—I mean, Sasuke?”
“Distantly,” the God replied.
“Anyway,” he continued, ignoring the mumbling under Naruto’s breath, “I will bring a spare I have working in my establishment, one who now has no reality to call home—mainly due to a bad reboot by a loli with anger issues…
“And thus, I choose you,” he called out, producing a red and white ball, and throwing it…
Well, attempted to.
“I have no desire to ever find out why this is even sticky,” the God muttered, pulling out a bottle of hand disinfectant, and pouring it entirely on his hand and the ball stuck to it.
After several moments, he finally launched it. “I choose you, Ranma Saotome!”
The ball arched across the air, before popping open, spitting out a red-light that zigged about, before landing on the ground and forming a hunched-over individual … who was looking nervously about.
“… Some mental reassembly may be required, as one of my more … enthusiastic patrons may have tried to take liberties with him … several times a day.”
Naruto just stared at the figure. “Is that a fancy way of saying he’s broke?”
“Nah; he just needs a reboot!” the chaos God chirped … before slapping the figure on the back of the head.
“OW! Hey!” Ranma yelled out, standing up.
“Be good or its back to waiting tables in my bar.”
“… I’llbegood!” the pigtailed male chirped up.
“Good; now your mission—should you choose to accept it over being fondled by Goddesses and a few Gods who have the restraint of Happosai at a bra expo—will be to teach this kid to be great, and he will help you be great, and … and…
“I probably should have prepared a speech for you, but I was kind of hoping not to lose the guy who brings all the girls to my bar.”
Blinking, Ranma glared at the possessed priest. “Does this mean I get my paychecks you claimed to be holding for me?”
“Normally I would,” nervously offered the Elder God. “But then I had to get you and these ladies’ supplies.”
“… What?” growled Ranma. Sure, he knew he needed something without worn handprints in them, or ruined with permanent marker, proclaiming him property of some horny 10-D being, but why did he have to foot the bill for the others … especially the cat-girl, and the one girl who had red eyes, was adjusting her tube top, licking her lips at him, and gave his danger senses a larger ping than the tall cat-girl … which was saying something.
“Well, two have basically been dead for a while, so they literally have nothing.
“The were-cheetah needs special clothing to handle her abilities, which ain’t cheap outside of a Marvel universe.
“And you …a little of Column A, some of B, and the fact that you need training books and what-not.”
“And why am I paying for this?” Ranma growled.
“Because they were all formerly dead, meaning they couldn’t take any money with them.”
“But, aren’t you a super-powerful God?” Naruto offered. “Can’t you just create the stuff they need?”
“… Not helping me here, Kid.”
“But you said I was supposed to help him!” Naruto pointed out.
*POOF!*
“Why do they say, ‘Property of Crystal Lake’?” asked Rin, lifting up a backpack with her name on it.
“Because it’s not like the Camp is using it … nor are the owners…” There was a heavy sigh sound. “Those poor, poor teenagers; experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and sex around the most violent undead teetotalling celibate that could possibly exist.”
“You got us used supplies?” Britanny asked with obvious distaste … even to Ranma and Naruto.
“Honestly, after room and board, he really didn’t bring in that much.”
Ranma just glared. “You took over ninety percent of my tips! I could have gotten a mansion in downtown Tokyo for what you charged me.”
“And you could have stayed somewhere else…
“Why, I believe you had nightly offers for that.”
Midori just licked her lips, staring at the one male summoned. Great looks, skilled, and in high demand by the Gods themselves… Mama likes!
Luckily, that was the moment Kakashi chose to wake up. “What happened?” he asked, slowly sitting up.
“You just earned the title of Lolicon when you return to Konoha!” Toltiir offered.
Blinking his one good eye, Kakashi looked around.
Rin was beside him, nervous and slightly confused … and if her crush remained, he might have to have an emergency talk with the kunoichi he knew, lest he be ‘fixed’ for the good of all by some well-meaning ninja.
Sakura was beside … a woman who was likely to give the Inuzuka clan major fits … but she had a great … er … balance…
Moving on—and glad his mask hid any possible nose bleed—he focused momentarily on Sasuke and … HER before quickly moving on. It just wouldn’t do to leak out that much killing intent and raise his blood pressure so soon after waking up, especially in a temple with an active God.
Although he did wonder if it was possible to put a contract on the Annoying Uchiha Who Shall Not Be Named.
Finally, he focused on Naruto and some … teen, who were both glaring at the possessed priest. Uncovering his Sharingan again, he quickly lowered it. The teen was awash with energy, so much that if the teen had had red hair, he almost would have thought he was another Uzumaki.
Come to think of it, he hoped so. Naruto could use some family … and maybe someone skilled with fūinjutsu to bring back to the ranks.
“Give me my money, you perverted nutjob!” said teen yelled, trying to grab the priest.
… Or he could be another Naruto, Kakashi sighed, wondering how he was going to put this all into a report for the Hokage … and not appear like he needed to be put in the practice field with the rubber walls.
“Hello, Push-Broom!” Midori chirruped as she waved at the Jōnin. “Glad to see you’re amongst the land of the living."
Fuck, she saw him.
Read the comments on this episode
See other episodes by The Demented Redhead
(Posted Wed, 01 Jan 2014 05:14)
Questions? Problems? Suggestions?
Send a mail to addventure@bast-enterprises.de
or use the contact form.
らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
All other series and their characters are © by their respective creators or owners. No claims of ownership of these characters are implied by the authors of this Addventure, or should be inferred.
The Anime Addventure is a non-profit site.