"Yes," said Kakashi off-handedly. "You're giving something to Naruto, who already has something."
"The Kyubi. Yes. It's not really enough in any universe where he is lacking Plot Armor."
"Sasuke has the Sharingan."
"And a few problems of his own. Yes."
"And then there's Sakura who has-" Kakashi paused, considered, made a contemplative noise.
"Uhm? She's really cute and smart?" tried Naruto.
"In terms of ninja abilities, that isn't much. She has much potential, but little motivation or opportunity to make use of it."
"Well, I have heard she's a genjutsu-type," admitted Kakashi.
"Whereas you yourself use very little genjutsu as you specialize in ninjutsu. The best instructor for her would be Kurenai Yuhi, jonin-sensei of Team 8. She could be an excellent poisons and trap specialist. The best instructor for that specialty is Anko Mitarashi. Unfortunately, neither has any reason to train her. She could be a medic, having both intelligence and chakra control - but the best instructor for that would be Tsunade who is not currently in Konohagakure at all."
"But you could arrange something like that, couldn't ya?" asked Naruto hopefully.
"Possible. Yes. Will I? No. Not without good reason."
"You could arrange for Kurenai to train Sakura in genjutsu?" asked Kakashi. That would actually be quite handy.
"Kakashi Hatake. If I felt it would be amusing, I could arrange for Sakura Haruno to receive training in kenjutsu from a sword saint. I could have her experimented on by Orochimaru to give her Mokuton and back before dinner. If I thought it would be amusing - I could destroy her physical form and rebuild her as a sekirei or a ten thousand horsepower android or a fae of the Summer Court. I could simply alter things like having her be sick one day, miss a test, and end up not being the 'top kunoichi of the year' or something."
"Oh, yeah. Sure," said Kakashi, deciding to try just ignoring the 'god' and see if he could force the being to prove itself. If this Being had any pride, that might do the trick and they'd get a freebie out of it.
"Well, maybe this."
"Okay," said Kakashi as the three little soon-to-fail genin took their seats. "Let's do some introductions first."
"How about you first?" asked Naruto. "You're kinda suspicious."
"Well, I'm Kakashi Hatake. You don't need to know my interests or favorite foods, and my hobbies are entirely too adult for you."
"Hnn. Sasuke Uchiha. And I have no ambition, merely a goal. I will kill a certain someone and renew my clan."
"Naruto Uzumaki! My goal is to be Hokage! I like ramen!"
"Akatsuki. I am my Lord's ninja."
Kakashi blinked. "What?"
"I like ramen but I hate the three minutes it takes for instant ramen to cook. It's instant ramen so it should be instant! Am I right?"
"Not you, Naruto." Kakashi wondered if he'd missed something. He hadn't read up on this team - he planned on failing them after all, but that hadn't been a response he'd heard before.
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Akatsuki."
"Oh," said Naruto. "Clan retainer - and I'm the Last Uzumaki."
"Last Uchiha, Last Uzumaki, Last Retainer?" asked Kakashi.
"Yeah, we noticed," noted Naruto.
"Okay then," said Kakashi, opening his book and beginning to read.
WHACKUM!
Despite the fact that he was a jonin and he was facing a genin one-third his size, Kakashi found himself knocked entirely off the roof and into some shrubbery.
"My Lord," said the kneeling Akatsuki, "may I knee that pervert in the face?"
Kakashi glared at the cat statue. "The Uzumaki clan does NOT have any retainers."
"My paw slipped."
"There's no way a genin fresh out of the Academy would be able to hit me like that anyway," said Kakashi.
"I. LIKE. HER." Naruto was grinning like he'd just won a week of free ramen. "Can we keep her, huh? Can we?"
"No, not that someone like that would have helped you get through the Bell Test anyway," said Kakashi.
"-come at you with the intent to kill?" asked Naruto. "Akatsuki?"
"Yes, Lord Uzumaki," said Akatsuki.
"I'm ready for you this time, you've got no chance against me," warned Kakashi.
"Maybe the number five brush?" asked Naruto, snapping a scroll out.
Kneeling and extending both hands, Akatsuki presented a brush. "Lord Uzumaki. Might I suggest the number four?"
"Ah, well, good enough," said Naruto.
"I didn't say 'start' yet... and why is Sasuke hiding behind a tree before I could say 'start'?" asked Kakashi.
"As a test to determine if he was indeed of the Uzumaki clan, this unworthy one presented a gift to the one she had found," said Akatsuki. "A book, a tome, a treasure."
Naruto had a thoughtful expression as he inked the brush and then began sketching something out. "Not all of 'em work right."
"A talent for fuuinjutsu is one of the hallmarks of the main house of the Uzumaki clan," noted Akatsuki.
"At his age, there isn't anything he can do that will surprise me," said Kakashi, sitting down and opening his book. "Now let's see-"
WHACKUM!
Kakashi wondered exactly HOW the little girl had managed to get through his defenses. Again. And smash her knee into his nose. Again.
"Lord Uzumaki. May I smite this pervert?"
"Why are you asking AFTER you've done it?" asked Kakashi.
"A ninja should strike without warning, without mercy, with just as much force as the mission requires - and no more than that," recited Akatsuki.
"By smashing my nose?" asked Kakashi.
"There we go," said Naruto, blowing lightly on the parchment.
Kakashi blinked. "What... what just happened?"
"A miscast," said Naruto, remembering. "I was trying to teleport you out of your clothes and equipment and send you to Jiji's office. Oh yeah. I remember that."
Kakashi watched the chase scene of him (having grabbed a towel) being pursued by what seemed to be the entire female kunoichi population of Konoha.
"What's that music anyway?" asked Naruto. "It's kinda catchy."
"'Yakety Sax' by 'Boots' Randolph. Would you like a copy?"
"Sure," said Naruto, catching the MP3 player that dropped out of a summoning circle.
"Oh heck," said Kakashi as he watched himself getting cornered. He was a jonin. Kakashi the Copy Ninja. Master of a thousand jutsu. Why was he getting the heck stomped out of him?
"That was how we got the bells wasn't it?" asked Naruto. "Yeah. I used that teleport and instead of putting him safely in the Hokage tower, he ended up on the women's side of the hot springs where a bunch of the kunoichi were having some kinda 'get together' and-"
"You are a prick," said Kakashi.
"God of mischief. Comes with the territory."
"I don't see the humor in this," said Kakashi as he watched the image-Kakashi break free and run for it. He could also see that Anko Mitarashi was in the lead of the pack of women chasing him. That did NOT bode well. Not at all.
"I never did get that teleport jutsu right did I?" asked Naruto.
"No, and for some odd reason Kakashi forbade you from ever using it again."
"I wonder why," said Kakashi, facepalming so he didn't have to watch any more of this.
"Hey, with that 'Akatsuki' girl - we're balanced aren't we?" asked Naruto. Sure he was sorry if Sakura wasn't on his team, but having a clan retainer was NEAT!
"Sadly, no. Akatsuki herself would have been amusing, but her skills are closer to jonin-level."
"Awwwwwwwwww," said Naruto. Well, at least they'd keep Sakura.
"Which brings me back to the 'balanced' you wanted - how about if I do this?"
Sakura stood with her back to a tree, having drawn a kunai.
"Just give us Sasuke and we promise your death will be mostly painless," said an oddly bandaged man.
"No other way, I suppose," said Sakura, who then brandished an odd bracelet. "It's MORPHING TIME!"
"NO," said Kakashi firmly.
"Pink spandex?" asked Naruto. "And she gets a pair of tonfa out of it? NEAT!"
"Absolutely not," said Kakashi.
"No Sakura as the Pink Powder Ranger?"
"No," repeated Kakashi.
"What if I throw in a motorcycle that changes into power armor?"
"No. She's a ninja not a - whatever that is."
"Oh very well. How about this?"
"Give us Sasuke," promised the bandaged man. "And we'll kill you almost completely painlessly."
"Really?" asked Sakura.
"Honest," said the bandaged man. "Why, I'll make sure myself that you'll only scream for fifteen minutes - tops!"
"What a charming offer," said Sakura, who stopped trembling. "Here's my counter-offer. Prism Starshine ACTIVATION!"
There were swirls of pink sparkly light, and abruptly Sakura was gone.
"What? Was that a shunshin?" asked the bandaged guy of some woman and another guy.
"Low class villains like you are so crass,
So I think I'll just kick your ass!
Pixy Starshine!
In the name of Justice
you're busted!"
"What? Get her!" said the bandaged guy as he located a girl in a pink pixie-costume in a tree.
"Pixy Heartbreaker!"
"NO," Kakashi said through a facepalm.
"Magical ninja running around. Why not a magical girl?"
"No. Not even for a minute. Just no."
"Wow, I never knew Sakura was Pixy Starshine!" exclaimed Naruto. "The Pink Comet of Justice! Maybe I can be her sidekick."
"No. Absolutely not," insisted Kakashi.
"Well, then, how about -"
"I think the 'random selection' is rigged," grumbled Ino.
"No kidding," said Sakura. "Well, Piglet, you gonna give up or am I going to have to mess up that face of yours?"
"Maybe I can get you a deal when I do yours," countered Ino. "I think they can do forehead lowering when they fix everything else."
"You beat me? What a laugh. I haven't been just sitting around reading fashion magazines unlike you," counter-countered Sakura.
"Do you two mind dropping the catty commentary?" asked a chunin. "There are other people waiting their turn to compete."
"This won't take long," said Ino. "Sakura here needs all the beauty sleep I'm about to give her."
"It won't take long because you'll be under my feet and begging," said Sakura.
A moment of silence.
"Sakura, I'm flattered really, but I'm not into that sort of thing," said a blushing Ino.
"THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT!" yelled Sakura. "Oh fine. Just start the damn fight."
"Start," said the chunin, making a gesture and then leaping back out of the zone.
Sakura's flesh seemed to vanish in a wreath of flames. "Hellfire!"
"WAGH!" yelped Ino, running ahead of the gout of flames Sakura was pouring out.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Sakura in a particularly evil fashion as she formed a wheeled vehicle out of fire, leapt on it, and then chased Ino around the arena until the blonde tripped.
As Ino was now apparently unconscious and unable to fight, the chunin raised his hand. "Winner. Sakura Haruno. Would you please quench the hellfire now?"
"Oh, right," said Sakura, shifting back and quenching the fires at the same time. "I didn't think Penitence Gaze would work on her."
"Probably not," agreed the chunin as a couple of medics with a stretcher hauled Ino towards the infirmary.
"Ah. Someone DOES read the reports," said Sakura.
"You notice how many jonin and ANBU don't come anywhere near you?" said the chunin as Sakura walked away.
"THAT WAS COOL TOO!" said Naruto enthusiastically. "She was all 'fwoom' and 'woosh' and 'crackle' and 'bwahaha' and stuff!"
"NO," indicated Kakashi. "Whatever that was - it was wrong. All wrong. I got the distinct impression that she could be as much danger to her community as to her enemies."
"Hard to please, aren't you?"
"Balanced?" asked Kakashi.
"Fine fine."
(Plop!)
"Books?" asked Naruto.
Kakashi tapped one, and then spread the three books out so he could read the titles. "'A Treatise On Traps' by Madara Uchiha?"
"One of the things the Sharingan can't do well is see purely mechanical non-chakra-using traps. Uchiha tended to overlook or discount their efficiency - and tended to die as a result. When the village of Konohagakure formed - he wrote this to address the issue and try to further some good feelings with the rest of the village. Pity that attitude didn't last."
"True," admitted Kakashi, going to the next book. "'A Study Of Stealth' by Tokimo of Iwa?"
"Something she lacks skill in presently, but could use to help balance the difference between herself and the Last Uzumaki and the Last Uchiha."
"And 'Medical Basics - A Field Guide'?" asked Kakashi, pointing at the last book.
"Covers the basics of the medic-nin profession. She has near-perfect chakra control, and the medic-nin profession is one that contributes greatly to ninja survival rates. Agreed?"
"I see," said Kakashi. "The other two give her greater skills to improve her chances of surviving so that she can learn the medical skills?"
"Well, that and I don't see any stealth specialists around. Really, a stealth-based archer can be devastating if not particularly humorous. Maybe with 'trick arrows' using fuuinjutsu? Ah well, something to consider later on. Naruto, those are for Sakura."
"But they sound interesting," complained Naruto.
Read the comments on this episode
(Posted Tue, 31 Dec 2013 16:13)
Questions? Problems? Suggestions?
Send a mail to addventure@bast-enterprises.de
or use the contact form.
らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
All other series and their characters are © by their respective creators or owners. No claims of ownership of these characters are implied by the authors of this Addventure, or should be inferred.
The Anime Addventure is a non-profit site.