[Episode 248098] [Episode 248098]With the sun rising once more over the island nation of Japan, it was the start of a brand new day. A new day was often the promise of new chances and new things to come, to put the past behind one and to get things going again on the right foot.
For others, it was a horrendous reminder that they were still alive. Sunlight flicking through the space between the window frame and the closed shades, it was also the bane of existence for anyone suffering a hangover, which was exactly what was going on in the mind of one pigtailed martial artist tortured by the damnable sunbeam.
Ranma groaned, being forced out of the state of sleep, sunlight forcefully dragging him kicking and screaming out of a comatose state and back into a world of jackhammering pain. Bad enough his dreams had been odd to say the least—not to mention the whining of the Neko-Ken as he also oddly had to keep it from ending its own life several times.
An odd thought entered his sluggish and tortured mind at that moment: why had the inner-cat not scared caused any ill feelings?
Hmm, perhaps being drunk makes it easier to handle... may have to look into that... if I can avoid feeling like this!
OW! OW!! OWOWOWOWOWWW!!!
When hung over, never yell in your own head.
Clenching his eyes shut and hissing through his teeth to try and cope with the pain, Ranma moved both his hands up to his face, pressing his palms to his eye sockets. His brain throbbed painfully—it felt like it was trying to force his poor eyeballs out past the lids. “F-fuckin’... hate... my life...” he grumbled as he tried to get ahold of his own alcoholic failings.
If he realized where he was he would had mentioned how he REALLY hated his life, possibly going beyond the F-Word.
Realizing that death would not yet take him—lousy Death, always trying to take him on good days, but when he was ready to embrace the sweet peace of the afterlife, asshole never showed—Ranma let out a calming sigh and attempted to get up... or at least make it to the furo and drown peacefully in hot water.
Attempted would be the proper word, as he found himself weighed down by something.
“ Mmmmmm...”
“Uuuuuuuugh...”
...Make that ‘two somethings’...
Yes, Death was one badass mother-fucker... who knew when not to risk his own boney ass when Hell was about to strike.
Afterlife didn’t take no Obamacare!
Eyes opening, the pieces of last night slowly started to come into place, filtering the hazy memories to the forefront of his mind ever so slowly but the fact was it was something that he realized if he ever remembered fully... he might go into a state of “Nodoka-Ken” and never return from...
Nyaaaooo... was the pitiful cry of the Neko-Ken. Poor thing was now living on the streets of Ranma’s mental scape, the city of the pigtailed martial artist’s mind having been taken over by invasive, cackling Mental Nodokas.
The horror... the horror...
To his right—with a smile that seemed wrong in so many ways aside from the fact that no one should be smiling like that next to someone so hung-over—was his mother.
And if his body wasn't lying to him... she was naked.
This... is so wrong on so many—HEY! Give me that rope!
Nyaooo!
If I have to live through this, so do yo~OW! OW!! OWOWOWOWOWOOOWWWWIIIEES!!!
Once again, yelling, bad.
Taking a minute to calm himself—and another two to keep whatever substance inside his stomach there—he turned towards the other source of sound... laying right on top of him.
Also naked.
Nabiki.
NYAO!
HEY! I NEED THIS ROPE MORE THAN YOU!
HISS!! the Neko-Ken replied back, now in a mental tug of war with Ranma over the line of mental synapsis that were to be used to hang oneself.
Ranma furrowed his eyebrows, doing his best to force his former mental anguish to give up and allow him to mentally commit suicide... only to pause and then go wide-eyed as he felt something grabbing his crotch. Please don’t be mom, please don't be mom, please don't be mom!
He didn’t know whether to be relieved or horrified that it was the middle Tendo.
As she came to, trying to ignore the sensation of her stomach doing backflips, Nabiki fought off an odd feeling. It was a feeling as if she did something very wrong.
Did I do something for free? she asked herself. Had it be it! What else would she have ever done that would make her feel like she just got an audit from the government?
Opening her eyes... she discovered something worse than that. “Saotome?”
“Um... yeah...” he smiled nervously and waved at her. “Good morning?”
“...” she paused, her face taking on a green undertone as what she may have done hit her.
And from there, it hit Saotome.
“BWWAAAAAAAAARRRRF!!”
“AAAUUUGH!!” Ranma screamed as the Middle Tendo let loose her discourse over him. He was so disgusted, he barely registered the sensation akin to that of railroad spikes being driven into his skull.
More used to such quantities of alcohol, Nodoka was merely shocked awake by this action while still somehow sober. “Wuh-what’s going—KAMI-SAMA! MY SHEETS! THEY’RE PRADA SHEETS!!!!!”
Ranma whimpered and wondered if there was such a thing as the ‘Vomitto-Ken’. The kami knew this was certainly horrifying enough!
“Nabiki, while being new to drinking is something I can understand, there’s simply no excuse for you to have vomitted your discourse all over my manly son, myself and especially my SHEETS!” Nodoka chided from her place in the furo as tried to relax and get over the soiled feeling the young Tendo woman had forced upon her. “Honestly, such isn’t proper... OR considerate, especially when you take into account all the pleasure my son and I gave you yesterday!!”
Nabiki just sat on her stool, trying to keep from losing any more bodily fluids from her mouth once again.
“And I was so considerate to help my manly son with the arts of pleasing a woman while you were recovering from your first time... though I do wonder why it seemed like you were so stressed out,” the Saotome Matriarch continued.
Nabiki’s eyes slowly panned the bathing area. A razor blade... there had to be one!
“And I did thank you for hinting to me that I should have him consider it like martial arts—same as his father in that way, I guess. But Genma never picked it up that quickly... or well...”
Could she just drop back from her seat and crack her skull open now?
After a moment, the middle Tendo daughter decided, yes, yes she could. A smile on her face, Nabiki let go of the bathing bench and fell back, prepared to see her mother again...
...Until Ranma caught her. “Damn it, Saotome! Must you ruin my life more!?”
“If I have to live through this, I’m dragging you down with me,” Ranma promised her as he sat the brunette woman back up. He then went back to the shower-head he was using, the body-wash doing nothing to help him feel ‘clean’. “I say you owe me for what you did, Nabiki...” he said seriously.
Yes, normally talking back to her was suicide... but Ranma was both hung-over, a tad suicidal, and most of all PISSED! So it was understandable how his normal fear of her would be ebbed at the moment.
“Very true,” Nodoka stated. “Not many families are as close as ours. And you certainly seemed to enjoy riding my manly son!” Nodoka cooed.
Of course, the auburn-tressed woman preferred her ride more. Damn it! Her pipes had never been so clean! Not even after that one night in college with...
With...
Hmm... was it that time with the chocolate person American basketball player with the really nice sneakers named after him, or that band guy who painted his face, wore black leather and had that REALLY nice long tongue?
Damn it! Now she was going to have to check her scrapbook! This was going to be bugging her until she found out!
Nabiki glared at Ranma who glared back. After a few minutes of this, she finally relented as she went back to cleaning up. “Sorry for puking on all of you...” was her mumbled apology.
“No, no need to apologize,” the Saotome Matriarch replied, somewhat distracted by her thoughts—Maybe it was that chocolate person American football player with the name that sounded like a breakfast drink—as she continued, “I just felt you should have a greater alcohol tolerance. You ARE a daughter of Soun Tendo and that man can really pack ‘em away. I didn’t think his children would be such lightweight pansies when it came to holding their liquor.”
Her washcloth pausing, Nabiki slowly turned to face the bane of her existence—now ahead of Ranma by a seven-point-six percent poling with plus or minus three percent error. If looks could kill...
Well, Nabiki knew she’d be dead first from how she looked... but Nodoka would be dead too! “I am not a lightweight,” she growled out.
“My manly son held it in,” Nodoka responded flippantly.
The middle Tendo daughter gave the older woman a dull gaze. “He can eat my younger sister’s cooking and not need any organs replaced; he could survive alcohol poisoning!”
While not one to insult his mother OR to stick up for Nabiki... Ranma’s pride always had to step up to plate when praise was available. “She’s got a point, mom. Akane’s cooking is pure toxic waste. People from both the Japanese Nuclear Safety Commission AND the JDSF stopped by once when her tuna casserole set off their Geiger Counters. They were kind enough to supply us with biohazard and radioactive marked Tupperware. Akane’s cooking is complete and utter death.”
While she had to agree with him—and was thankful for said plastic/lead composite containers—Nabiki made a mental note to tell Akane what Ranma told his mother about her cooking... that should get her SOME satisfaction over the humiliations she’d suffered over the past 24-Hours.
She’d like to do more... but even she had enough self-preservation to realize what the fiancées would do if Ranma let it slip that not only was he now cherry-free, but who he lost it to.
Hmmm... time to work on a false trail. She hadn’t seen Natsume and Kurumi in a while, she could blame them. Like they were around to call her on it!
“Maybe so,” Nodoka offered, being gentle while scrubbing her privates—they hurt SO good! “But you should be able to hold it better and not vomit your drinks onto your two lovers.”
“Lovers!?” the teens squeaked together.
Nodoka nodded. “Yes, you two went at it quite a bit last night, even with your dutiful mother helping pass the time for you as she recovered. Truly, my manly son it too manly for just one woman: even one woman and a barely experienced teen who obviously wasn’t exploring her hormones properly with my son.”
Nabiki would be highly insulted if it wasn’t for the fact that Nodoka dropped the comment that the two of them had fucked her as well... yes, Ranma had fucked his mother... and it’s likely the woman took advantage of her too.
Funny. Of all us Tendos, I always thought Akane would be the one to end up having sex with another woman... was the ironic thought in her mind.
Ranma meanwhile, was now picking up the Middle Tendo’s earlier crusade of scanning the bathroom with his eyes for a razor so he could end it all. Seppuku HAD to be better than this reality!!
“But do hurry,” Nodoka continued, preparing to finish rinsing herself off in the lesser tub and settle into the soaking furo. “We have an appointment today to check out the property we bought, my son. We need to figure out how much we may need to have repaired, on top of what the previous owners have promised. Oh, I hope they finally removed that snitch’s body from the foundation; he was such a sad little ghost with such poor pickup lines.”
I’m in hell. Ranma considered as he twitched. Lucky bastard ghost! At least it was dead!!
Walking down the side-walk, Ranma tugged at the collar of the suit his mother bought him. Granted, he had to go clothes-shopping wearing one of his mother’s kimonos and while he was MUCH happier to be in anything but that thing... WHY did she have to buy him a suit of all things!?
“The collar’s tight. These pants and jacket restrict my movements. These shoes have no bend for my feet,” the pigtailed martial artist complained, listing off all the things he felt were wrong with how he was dressed as he kept pace with his mother and Nabiki.
“What are you complaining about?” the most mercenary of the Tendo daughters grumbled, wrapped in a tight kimono... and nothing else. What underwear Nodoka had bought for Ranma was too small for the middle Tendo... and the bra was too large.
She now understood why Akane kept hitting Saotome; it was SO unfair that a cursed boy had a better figure than her own!
Auntie’s were too big—like hell she was going to say that out loud to said woman. She liked her spine connected, thank you!
What happened to the bra and panties she wore yesterday you ask? Well, guess what Mother Superior Psycho mopped up some of the vomit with?
Ranma sighed as his mother ignored his valid complaints as to how he was dressed would mess with his ability to perform the Art, the woman just humming happily. “...Mom?” he questioned aloud to get her attention.
“Oh, don’t worry, my manly son,” the woman finally responded to him. “You are just dressed properly as a manly man should be...” and when he owned the place, she would get him another... in purple... with fur trim! After all, nothing spoke of pure sexiness and power more than a man wearing the skins of endangered animals!
But damn it, the place she got platform shoes with goldfish in them closed down last decade! Damn economy! Damn housing bubble! Damn piss-poor banking reform! Damn... um... polar bears!
Damm! I need to work on my rants... never had this issue when I was in school, Nodoka lamented. Although she did enjoy the thrill of her own tight kimono... and going commando! Why, she felt she was back in junior high again... without the police escort and the ankle-monitor her father forced her to wear, claiming it was a court-order.
The trio continued to make their way through the throngs of people and city streets. As they did, Ranma frowned when they crossed over into a section of city he’d never been before, the quality of the surroundings changing considerably... not that the buildings were in any major state of disrepair but they were shorter now... and there was a lot more... ‘unsavory’ aspects that surrounded them. “Mom? Just where is this 732 Nekomimi Boulevard?”
“Why, the Red Light District of Tokyo, where else?” Nodoka replied happily as she made her way through the area, taking notice of the stares they were getting and somewhat disappointed as the men that raised their heads weren’t what she’d consider manly...
...But at least the skanky womanly women knew a prize when they saw one as they paid attention to her finely dressed, manly son!
Despite the fact she planned to soon own his soul and pimp him out however she pleased, Nabiki found herself moving closer to Ranma. She wanted to be the Pimp, not the pimped!
That and she recognized a few of the women nearby as those who ‘upset’ her before her first year at Furinkan, when the local middle-school took a tour of the local high schools.
The middle Tendo realized she might consider revisiting more pain, as she watched one of them flick a switchblade several times while staring at her. She didn’t realize why they were so upset; they should be happy! Look at all the weight they lost!
“This is another reason we are investing here, my son,” Nodoka continued, as Ranma looked about for red lights. “With a stable business in the area, when can revitalize this neighborhood to beyond what it was like in its Golden Age!” Back when lonely business men were as free with their money as the world economy was strong!
Ranma blinked his eyes once, twice. Wow, the way his mother talked, it sounded like that the fate of the world rested on his shoulders with him becoming a successful business owner.
Coming to a stop in front of a building and Nodoka calling, “We’re here!” Ranma raised his head and realized, Yep. We’re doomed. Doomed, doomed, doomed...
He looked up at the two-story building with a huge sign up on the roof that said, “The Pink Kitty”. Between the words ‘Pink’ and ‘Kitty’ was the image of a pink-furred, redheaded Cosplay-style Catgirl. All the lights that bordered the sign were off and even a few bulbs busted. The front looked almost tie-dyed and looked like something his mother said his grandmother was into.
“...You sure this is the place?” he questioned his mother. “I don’t see a ‘For Sale’ sign at all.” Although there were faded signs at either side of the entrance that read ‘Girls’ over and over and one of ‘Live Nudes’.
Ranma could only ask two questions from reading those signs, aside from the missing sign advertising it’s sale: what were nudes—he knew what being nude was, but what did ‘nudes’ mean—and why did it have them constantly mentioning girls? Maybe the signs once held coupons for them to get stuff for less money?
Oh! Maybe they were for ice-cream! And damn his luck, no coupons left! Truly, this neighborhood had seen better times.
And where would they get ice cream around here? he asked himself, looking about. Not one ice-cream store. In fact, the only place open nearby was a corner store showing a Vin Diesel movie, XXX.
“Oh, this is it, Ranma, I’m sure of it,” Nodoka said firmly as she stepped forward. She paused in the open doorway as her son and Nabiki stood outside. Her son bearing a confused look while the Middle Tendo Daughter seemed... horrified? Uneasy at the very least. “Are you all right, Nabiki? If you think you’re going to puke again, please head around back. We’ll wait inside for you.”
“...It’s not that...” Nabiki said slowly as she looked up at the sign. Kami-sama! Of all the Strip Clubs Nodoka could have been so intent on purchasing and making Ranma run... she had to choose THIS one!?
Slowly lowering her eyes, she stared at Nodoka. Was this a hint that she knew Nabiki’s own relationship with this place, a subtle threat to...
Oh, who was she kidding? Nodoka never did anything subtle. Hell, this was the woman who gave each Tendo daughter and ‘cousin Ranko’ a coupon for a free total waxing at a nearby salon, while going off on how no man liked hair in what he ate.
She was as subtle as much as Ranma was a ‘master of disguise’.
Starting to become impatient, the woman asked, “Well?”
“Okay, fine, I’m coming in...” Ranma replied, walking up to the entrance. He looked to his mother and told her, “But if we end up buying this place... we’re also selling ice-cream!” his tone brooked no room for argument. This was important to him, kami-damn it!
Nodoka just blinked her eyes in surprise at her son’s forceful attitude. Ice-cream... hmm... might be too cold for people to eat off a stripper... but maybe it was her son’s vision to also sell food!
Excellent! He understood that patrons too full to waddle away would be forced to spend their hard earned Yen at the club! A hungry patron might leave! A full patron would drink and spend more!
HER MANLY SON DID HAVE SOME BUSINESS SENSE!!
Plus-One for her genes, another Minus-One for Genma’s—yes, she WAS keeping score. Perhaps her son was like Anakin Skywalker, and her womanly womb simply created the perfect son!
“Now where is that sales agent,” Nodoka murmured, hoping the door simply hadn’t been left unlocked since the police removed their tape. Why, there’d simply be no pipes left in the building, and they might have former investment squatters living there!
The Saotome Matriarch blinked her eyes as male voice spoke up from behind her. “Hello... may I be of help to you?” She turned about and caught sight of a short elderly man with a cap on his head, ears that stuck out at the sides of his head—yet also served to help hold his glasses in place—and had a rather bushy white mustache and matching eyebrows.
“Hello...” she greeted back. She was about to tell him to stop squatting on her rightful property but stopped when she realized he was wearing the red blazer uniform of a Takahashi Realty Agent. “Oh! Hello. I’m sorry, but I don’t know who you are; I was expecting Megumi.”
“Oh, the young lady couldn’t come today—she said she’d rather die than step foot within this portion of the district—so she sent me to cover the tour and business end in her stead.” He smiled and nodded his head before he held out a hand to her in a Western greeting. “I’m Toramasa Kobayakawa. Pleased to meet you.”
“Kobayakawa!!” both Ranma and Nabiki said in sync, with the pigtailed martial artist continuing with, “You're the crazy guy that runs the school store!” He frowned as he also remembered, “And the jerk that sold Kuno that damned Phoenix Egg!!”
The elderly man nodded his head. “Yes, I dealt with magical curiosities... if you believe in that sort of thing.”
“And didn’t you work as a ticket taker at the Cursed Tunnel of Lost Love?” he asked.
Shaking his head, the man answered, “No. That was my brother... if–”
“If you say anything about asking if I believe in that sort of thing, I will hurt you,” the pigtailed martial artist threatened.
“...If you believe my mother,” the elderly man finished quickly.
Ranma stared at the old man with an annoyed gaze. “Say, what’re you doing outside of the basement anyway? Don't you have a school store or an antique shop you should be runnin’?” he asked, wanting an answer for why people that could ruin his life kept butting into it.
“Funny you should mention that...” the old man said, adjusting his glasses. “Both businesses went bust... if you can believe that sort of economic nonsense...”
“Actually, I can,” the mercenary Tendo daughter piped up. “Your antique shop was set up kilometers outside of modernized civilization and you hid the school store in the basement, inside the middle of a maze!”
“...True,” the man muttered. Last time he let his idiotic brother purchase and set up a shop. Damn his mother for saying his brother could handle such a simple task.
And damn the Japanese National Tax Agency for refusing to let him take those losses during his filing. Why was it so hard to believe those shops were set up like that!?
“Anyway, I have a better position now,” he offered.
Nabiki narrowed her eyes. “Where’s your office?” she asked.
“...Moving on,” the man stated, moving towards Nodoka. “Mrs. Saotome, any questions before we begin?”
“Actually, there are,” the Saotome Matriarch answered as she looked the shorter man over. “Part of the deal was that there would be a clean up... do you think that is the best route to take or should we broker to simply have an amount of money given to us to aide in payment of carpenter and other construction-worker services...” she looked at the wall that looked like it had been riddled with semi-automatic fire. “That in particular is going to need more than a little plaster and paint to fix. Who knows what’s been busted up behind it!”
Looking over to the damage, the elderly man nodded his head in agreement. “Very true,” Toramasa offered. “Already, one can see where bloody tissues have caused mold that may be hazardous for human health. I think I should also, as your Real Estate Agent, point out that there are already a number of problems. The basement is partially flooded and I am quite surprised a recent tremor has not sent this place into the bowels of the planet. Half the electrical outlets would fail a standard test, several hidden cameras in the ladies’ changing area, the taps for beer and assorted pre-mixed drinks have several leaks, I counted no less than fifty dead rats with no reason why they are dead, eight broken doors, seven burned tables, one out of every seven lights are burnt out, and there may be asbestos in the ceiling.”
The auburn-tressed woman twitched considerably as the man listed off numerous problems one after the other. No wonder there’d been no competition for this place! “...Is there any good news?” Nodoka asked hopefully.
Toramasa nodded his head firmly. “The shrine to Bastet in the changing room is still safe,” the man offered.
Nodoka perked up considerably at hearing that. “Oh goodie!” she practically squealed with glee. That meant the catgirl outfits might still be in one piece!! “Anything else we might want to know?”
“Well, truth be told, rumor has it this place was built atop the temple that was known as the ‘Church of Succubus’ and that said cult succeeded in bringing one into this world and killing it; the sex demoness’ bones hidden somewhere on property to increase the lust quotient...” he took his glasses off and breathed onto them. He then took a glasses cloth out of his pocket and started cleaning them with it. “...That is, if you believe that sort of thing...”
Blinking his eyes once, twice, all Ranma could ask was, “Succubus bones?”
Again, Toramasa nodded his head. “Yes. They say they were entombed within a hidden sanctuary.”
*BOOM*!
“Like what is behind you in that oddly suspiciously-timed collapsed wall?” asked Nabiki. Damn, she really was clueless about what went on here.
Well, that and she enjoyed the fact that even with a shrine to Bastet and a Succubus Blessing, the last owner still had to force women under him to get laid.
The elderly man turned around, looked at the sight, and faced Nodoka again. “Oh, before I forget to tell you: we may also have some issues with the health department, and a possible sudden rise in Magical Girl/Devil Hunters showing up to burn the place with fire.”
Crossing her arms over her chest, Nodoka considered that for a moment as she ‘hmm’ed. “Tell me something, Kobayakawa-san... would Magical Girls and/or Devil Hunters be open to taking a job here instead of burning it down?”
Placing his glasses back on his face, the elderly man replied, “They should. Stories go that there is not a woman more desperate for male attention on the face of the planet compared to Magical Girls... if you believe that sort of thing...”
“ACHOO!” A quintet of girls gathered around a table at the Hikawa Shrine sneezed.
“ACHOO!” cried two pairs of cousins at the Mano household.
“This just in,” cried a reporter on the local news station. “Hundreds of girls sneeze at once! New strain of flu... or a sign you need to change your air filters? News at Six!”
Nabiki just twitched. Ranma was about to own a building that would have every action-starved virgin within five-hundred kilometers rushing to work there!
And she didn't have a plan! Damn Saotome for making moves that put her behind having uses for!
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(Posted Wed, 20 Jul 2011 00:17)
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