Kevin Keene wasn’t a praying man … he wasn’t a violent man … in fact; he wasn’t much of a man to begin with. But there was one thing he was; and that was a teenager who avoided chores and responsibility by staying in a videogame world by choice … and became a great Hero in his own right! Someone who could stand with the likes of Master Chi—no, no…
Kratos? No, even with less clothes, he was still more badass…
Sonic the Hedgehog? No, that blue bastard still got more furry tail than Kevin did.
Dig-Dug?
…
YEAH! He was a hero worthy to stand with the likes of Dig-Dug!
But to be fair, he had never been upgraded, even throughout the series of console games that came, flourished, and died a painful demise, only to be sold online as playable content for other systems.
Of course, there is a reason why you are supposed to fill out those warranty cards.
But once more, he leapt into the Warp Abyss! Once more, he entered the unknowns of Videogame Land, and its new multitude of dimensions, to seek out new platforms, to explore strange new games, to boldly go where no gamer has gone before!
“Wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka!”
… Then again, sometimes you visited a place twice. “Ranma!”
“What!? These pellets are yummy! Oh! Piece of candy!”
Arms crossed over his chest, the Videogame Master could only shake his head and grumble, “Everything old is new again…”
“FINISH HIM!” Shang Tsung demanded of Ranma as the brunette with sunglasses wobbled back and forth in a dizzy state.
Turning towards the old Chinese man, the pigtailed martial artist replied, “But … I don’t kill people.”
“… He said he wanted to date that redhead that was with you when she’d splashed down on the beach,” the old and evil wizard stated as matter-of-fact.
*SPLUT*!
*SHRED*!
RI~IIIIIIIP*!!
“Saotome Wins. Flawless Victory. Fatality.”
Whimpering, Kevin couldn’t help but clench his legs at the brutality he was forced to witness. “What was the VRC rating again?”
And, you always have to start somewhere…
“AAAHHH!” Kevin cried out, as their car swerved sideways a bit, taking out another vehicle.
“Would you stop that?” Ranma yelled out, trying to pop his ears. “I’d like to finish the race with my hearing still all there.”
“WATCH THE ROAD!”
“Oh, calm down, we’re only going 300 kph … whatever that is.”
And sometimes, stereotypes have to start somewhere.
“Hey! That falcon guy just passed me! I’m not letting someone with a robot dog beat me!”
“Actually, Megaman has a friend called—OH GOD!”
“WOO-HOOOO! TURBO ROCKS!”
And making sure you don’t bite off more than you can chew.
“I’m with you, Master Chef!” Ranma shouted as he aimed a spiker, managing to take out three grunts with one shot. “I’ll follow you anywhere!”
“Chief, Ranma,” Kevin grumbled as his Zapper was out … AGAIN! “His name is Master Chief,” he replied as he picked up a sniper rifle and took out a Brute at 100 km with a shot to the FACE!
“Chef, Chief, as long as he’s leading us to food, I’ll help him end this fight!” the pigtailed martial artist crowed. “It can’t be any worse than finding musty old turkeys in castle walls!”
“At that moment, Master Chief Petty Officer John-117 was happy his helmet hid his face and therefore any expression he could make. They’d never see it coming when he left them a sticky bomb and ran like hell.
“Man, that guy is good,” Ranma muttered. “I didn’t even know there was a Convent guy coming up from under us!”
“Covenant, Ranma,” Kevin corrected. “Don’t you ever read the game books?
“And stop eating them!”
“But the guy tastes like space-chicken!” Ranma whined, tossing the bones of the former Elite over his shoulder. “And what’s this about a book?”
Kevin just twitched, before pulling out a small booklet from behind his back. “This! It tells us what the game is and a bit about what we’re supposed to do! Don’t you have one?”
Ranma just shrugged, reaching behind himself, and pulled out his WiiU controller. “I still haven’t figured out how to turn this thing on yet.”
Kevin started to twitch, before he pulled out a handgun and blew away a Drone that had been poorly trying to sneak up on them. “You know, I’m beginning to suspect why the Chief didn’t tell us about the package he ‘dropped’.”
*Br~ing*! *Bring*!
*Br~ing*! *Bring*!
Doo~weeeet*!
“Otacon, I’m here,” Snake replied with a gruff gasp. “What is it?”
“Oh, Snake! Thank God I got a hold of you,” the wimpy scientist replied with a relieved sigh. “So what happened? We were talking and you suddenly hung up.”
“Two idiots appeared out of a locker—”
“Warp Zone!” Ranma shouted.
Snake snorted. “I don’t care what you queeros call it, the fact was I opened a locker and found both of you stuffed in it at the same time.”
Kevin just groaned, burying his face in his hands.
“Oh, don’t worry!” Otacon said, trying to assure the two new people he could see on Snake’s side of the Com. “I’ve been stuck in a locker plenty of times! It was there I learned that love could blossom on the battle field…”
Shaking his head, the spy quickly lit a cigarette. “Don’t wanna hear it.”
“You know,” Ranma muttered, scratching the back of his head, “when you said we were looking for something called ‘Rex’, I was thinking of a doggy.”
“Yeah, not a dog,” Snake muttered, preparing his opening salvo.
“Chill, guys,” Kevin waved off, aiming his Zapper, and pulling the trigger.
“…”
“…”
Blinking as the others were staring at him, Kevin looked down, checking his power gauge. “Um … my bad, out of power again.
“Anyone see an outlet near here?” he asked, as the REX started to light up.
Snake sighed at the stupidity that seemed to surround him. Taking his pack of cigarettes, the man pulled one free and then took his lighter. Bringing a small flame to his Marlboro, the beaded badass took a long, satisfying drag.
Frowning as he looked at Snake drawing out ANOTHER lungful of smoke, Ranma told the super-spy, “You know those things will kill you, right?”
Exhaling the gray ashen smoke, the man turned towards Ranma with an annoyed glance. “And the big nuclear-powered death machine won’t?”
“… Good point,” Ranma muttered. “Can I have one?”
“Nope,” Snake replied. “You’re underage.”
“… I’m about to fight a nuclear powered death machine!”
“Don’t make the rules; kid; just shoot the ones who break them.”
“Fine!” Ranma sulked, pulling out his WiiU controller. “Maybe this thing will help me … if I can figure how to get away from Wii Shopping…
“Hey! I can get three Super Mario t-shirts on special!”
Snorting, Snake shook his head. “Mario… I fought that bastard once. Now HE was a worthy foe… He could see right through my boxes.”
“A~hem!” Liquid Snake could be heard over the sound system of the Cold War Machine. “You know I’m about to kill you, right? Could you please face death with the tiniest bit of seriousness? KthnxDIE!
“Um … where are we now?” Ranma asked, shaking his WiiU controller as it squealed. “Come on! Work, you busted piece of shit!”
Kevin shrugged, as he pulled out a new booklet. “Huh, must be a sequel, Sons of Liberty,” Kevin spoke.
“… Wait!” Ranma called out, as he paused trying to enter his name. “Games … can have sequels?”
“Sometimes,” Kevin offered. “And, rarely, the sequels are even as good—if not, better—than the original.”
“… Now you’re fucking with me.”
As Kevin and Ranma argued about the intricacies of sequels, Snake remained hidden inside an empty box, praying to the God he usually ignored through his past of being a clone and path of atheism for the strength he needed not to ring their necks and therefore blow his cover, thereby causing them to follow him once more.
“Kevin…” the pigtail martial artist spoke up slowly.
“Yeah, Ranma?” the self-proclaimed Videogame Master replied as he watched a turtle fly overhead.
“Why are there hundreds of thousands of yards of plumbing around here but not one sink?” was the heir of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts’ question, watching as a large Venus Flytrap raised above the rim of one open green pipe.
Considering that for a moment, Kevin replied, “I think the better question is, ‘why are there no toilets?’...”
“… Ewwwwwww...” Ranma whimpered, feeling completely skived. “Why would there be tons of plumbing but no toilets!?”
“Why do you think we’re revolting!” came a gruff voice. Ranma and Kevin turned about in place, trying to find the source. After a minute, said voice shouted, “DOWN HERE!”
Both humans looked down to see a small Goomba. “Uh … yeah; you are pretty revolting…” Kevin said honestly as they got a look at the fungus with fangs and feet.
Said Goomba harrumphed. “Oh sure! Easy to make jokes when you’re not the one suffering!” the little mushroom minion huffed. “We’re revolting against the monarchy because all this plumbing only goes to one thing: her royal highness’ hot-tub.”
“… Peach has a Hottub?” Kevin asked, going wide-eyed.
“YEAH!” the little monster replied. “Where do you think ‘Mario Parties’ originated? And we’re sick and tired of having all viable landscape taken up by these damn rusted copper pipes and we’re not going to take it anymore!”
The Videogame Master blinked his eyes once, twice, thrice. “OH! So that’s why they’re green! And here I thought it was purely aesthetic.”
“So, let me get this straight,” Ranma asked, dodging to the side and kicking the attacking villain. “We have to rescue a bunch of campers, too stupid to run away from this guy with his knife.”
“Machete,” Kevin corrected, wondering if he could get extra points for using his Zapper on Jason, or if he should Pause the guy first.
“Whatever,” Ranma replied, idly tossing several knives in his hand as he punched the undead lunatic in the mask. “Are people really that stupid in some of these worlds?”
“Just wait till we find the couples that always sneak off to have sex, despite the fact a killer is on the loose,” Kevin offered with a slightly perverted smile.
Ranma paused for a moment. He blinked his eyes once, twice. “Say, Mr. Masked Guy … would you like a hand with this?”
Nodding his head, Jason gladly accepted his machete from the human. After all there was nothing perverted about this one.
A crack of thunder ‘proved’ otherwise as with the sudden rainfall, Ranma was now a she... and wasn’t wearing a bra!!!
“ACK!!” the neo-girl shrieked dodging under a suddenly much faster swipe of the mad murderer’s blade. “What the hell!?”
Blinking his eyes once, twice, Kevin reached into his pocket and pulled out the game booklet. “AH! Says here he gets a +10 against ‘questionable women’…”
“And what the hell does that mean—STOP IT ALREADY!” she yelled, backhanding the killer … out of the cabin … through the back of the fireplace.
“You know what; fuck the other campers! I’m kicking his ass NOW!” she yelled, leaping after Jason.
Kevin just sadly shook his head. Didn’t Ranma know that the early villains never really died, they just came back faster, stronger, and the level repeated itself until you grew bored with it.
Taking a deep breath, the pigtailed martial artist did his best to not slaughter the man before him. Judging by the advanced age and lab-coat, he was obviously someone senile but of great importance. “Mustn’t kill, mustn’t kill, mustn’t kill...”
Blinking his eyes once, twice. Professor Oak tilted his head as he watched an aura burn around the ponytailed youth with a curious gaze. “I don’t understand what’s wrong? I merely asked if you’re a boy or a girl.”
Kevin quickly excused himself to run outside, before he started to lose it inside.
After all, he didn’t want to be the target of Ranma’s rage.
“I don’t get it,” Ranma muttered, as he laid a Trap Card face-down and ended him turn. “You’d think this card game was super important or something.”
“Meh,” waved off Kevin from the sidelines. “First one was okay, but then the anime started to go downhill, second started off strong, but then they got into stuff Americans weren’t allowed to watch, and I never bothered with the third.
“And don’t get me started on the fact none of them followed the rules the damned game is actually supposed to be played by!”
“Um … okay,” Ranma muttered. Damn, haven’t seen him this upset since we started this world, and I asked how come I couldn’t put that Ra Dragon card into my deck to play…
“I shall send your soul to the Shadow Realm!” the cloaked guy stated, as he drew a card.
“Yeah, you keep thinking that, cause that Inner Eye thingy you have on your cloak ain’t helping you,” Ranma waved off.
“It is not an Inner Eye thingy!” the man yelled, not knowing that he was flashing Ranma his entire hand.
“Dude, chill! It’s just a card game,” Ranma waved off again. “You act like this is real or something.”
“AAAAAAAAHHHHH!”
Kevin didn’t think it was possible to win a duel by making your opponent stroke out, but he felt Ranma was about to prove him wrong at this rate.
“I don’t know…” Ranma said as he looked the go-kart over. “This doesn’t look all that safe to me,” for emphasis, he kicked a wheel, causing the one-man vehicle to break apart at the rivets; pipe-frame clattering to pieces and the engine crashing down.
As a wheel started to roll away, Kevin had to nod his head. “Ranma has a point there.”
“Fine! You big sissy chickens!” Mario huffed. “Should’a known you wouldn’t play! You jerks went and help’a Bowser kidnap da Princess! Fiends! Sissy fiends!”
“HEY!” the ponytailed youth shouted at the portly plumber. “I am not a sissy! I merely don’t want to go around yet another race track! Especially after I just got done playing card games on motorcycles! Seriously, who the fuck does that!?”
Blinking his eyes once, twice, Mario ‘hmm’ed and began to scratch his chin in thought.
“OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!” yelled Kevin, holding on for dear life. “HALLOWED BE THY NAME!”
“You just had to give him that idea, didn’t you?” Ranma asked kindly, as the NPC fair in the back continued to sit peacefully, as Ranma made his taxi cab defy gravity, Newton’s Laws, and probably physical dimensions, as he drove through the city to his destination. “You had to have Mario make his damned go-kart races even more difficult…”
“I’M SORRY!”
“Oh, you will be,” Ranma cackled. “You … will … be,” he smirked, hitting the jump button on his nun-chuck, causing the crazy taxi to start flipping end over end, before landing perfectly at the destination.
“Woo-hoo! Got me a bonus!”
“Man,” the Asian teen whispered as he looked out over the numerous downed bodies, “my old man always warned me that if we tried to get my Neko-Ken fixed they’d throw me in the nuthouse… I don’t know why he made that seem like a bad thing,” Ranma grinned as he cracked his knuckles. “This is some of the best training ever!”
Batman twitched. He didn’t know whether he should appreciate the help here with Arkham Asylum … but they weren’t any worse than some Robins he’s had to deal with.
“Come on!” Kevin whined. “You’re Batman! You have a ‘bat’-everything! So stop being a jerk and share the bat cookies!”
“… Bat cookies?” Ranma asked, his stomach now growling. “I could go for some bat cookies!”
Sighing, the Dark Knight shook his head. Okay, maybe they were a little worse. “You really should stay back by the entrance. The Joker has taken over and who knows what despicable plans he has in store!”
“I think the booklet said something about ‘Titan Serum’…” Kevin replied.
Blinking his eyes once, twice, Ranma took out his WiiU Tablet. “Yeah. I think I got the story right here.”
The cape and cowled man. Someone with better tech than—“Wait. Is that a Nintendo D-Pad.”
“… Shut up...” Kevin grumbled.
“How many more of these do we have to go through?” Ranma asked, still trying to figure out his WiiU pad. He kind of hoped he’d be able to save some stuff to take back when he left the Videogame Worlds.
Baka Panda plus Star Power equals fun and a hell of a lot of 1-ups.
“Who knows?” Kevin shrugged. At least this game had actual food.
Granted, it was high-school food, but at least it didn’t try and attack you. “I did tell you I was clueless on this.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Ranma muttered, eyes narrowing. Damn it, he already set the time! “So, what game is this?”
“A book, I think,” Kevin muttered, looking at the item he pulled that was definitely not a booklet.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that game,” Ranma replied, trying to get the damned thing to accept the correct time. He certainly didn’t want to study that booklet Kevin was now holding! That was way too damned thick for a good game!
“Not a game,” Kevin muttered, somewhat glad he still had his Zapper and control pad … at least until he could get some cash and go buy whatever version existed in this book. “Book, see?”
“… You say something?” Ranma asked, growling as it asked him once again if he was sure that he had inserted the proper time.
*WHAP!*
“See now?”
“… I so hate you,” Ranma muttered, before sighing, as the time was now displaying a flashing noon.
And that wasn’t the only thing that was flashing…
“Hey, Ranma...” Kevin said as he motioned towards over the ponytailed teen’s shoulder. “Is that guy … er … glowing?”
Turning about, the martial artist tilted his head as he looked at the person in curiosity. “No, the glow isn’t solid. I’d say it’s more like … sparkling, maybe?”
Kevin nodded, before he pulled out his Zapper.
“… What the hell just happened?” Ranma asked, as both were now standing before the door once again.
“… Sorry, reflex,” Kevin blinked, putting his gun away. “Old habit I had, most baddies flash when they get too low on life.”
“Mission Objective Failed.”
“… Holy shit, it talks!” Ranma yelled, looking at his WiiU remote. “What mission?”
The screen flashed, displaying his answer.
“Ensure Edward survives Book 1 of Twilight.”
“… We had mission objectives … in a book?” Kevin asked.
“Mission over, failure. Restarting at last save point.”
“… Did your trigger happy finger just cost me all my progress to getting out of here?” Ranma asked, narrowing his eyes.
“Oh come on!” Kevin yelled. “We never had any save points!”
“Do you wish to save current progress? Yes. No.”
“… Kevin?”
“Yep?”
“Since I can’t break this, and I don’t wanna blame myself since you were supposed to teach me this sort of stuff…”
“Hey! I never had a save point before!”
“… PREPARE TO DIE!”
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(Posted Mon, 31 Dec 2012 02:52)
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