"I got a plan," said Hanabi.
"Do you smell ramen?" asked the Hokage, sniffing the air.
A foot locker creaked open ever so slightly.
"You know it has to be a trap," noted the Hokage to no one in particular.
A stomach rumbling could be heard, echoed slightly from within the contents of a foot locker.
"I told you. Count on the Hyuga and that Byakugan."
"Ours is still a superior dojutsu."
"See, Sakura. What did I tell you?"
"Damn. When you're right, you're right."
"But what happens if he DOES get lured out? Won't that end up with everyone pouncing on him?"
"True, that part DID concern me. But now that I know he uses kage bunshin, we can plan accordingly."
"Are you sure about this, Anko?"
"Relax, Kurenai-chan. This plan is so simple, what could go wrong?"
"The fact that we're both currently genin in age just shows that things that I can't imagine going wrong, can indeed go wrong."
"Aw, you're just upset because the guy you were interested in is now five years older than you."
"..."
"And a girl."
"..."
"And has a bigger rack than you."
"Okay, if you're trying to cheer me up - this is entirely the wrong approach."
"Not that I would know where Naruto is," said the Hokage as a foot locker began inching its way towards the window, "but if he's put a pair of holes in the bottom of any piece of furniture in my tower - I will tie him up and throw him into the crowd of barely-hidden kunoichi waiting outside my tower."
There was a brief pause. "Uhm, no. Didn't do that."
"Ah. That would be good," said the Hokage.
"Eureka!"
"I'm really beginning to dislike hearing that particular phrase."
"You and the rest of the Elemental Countries," noted Orochimaru. "I templated out the Uzumaki longevity, nullified the animal section, and used some Hashirama cells. Look, it's 75% stable!"
"And the other 25%?" asked Kabuto, ready to use kawarimi and shunshin to get out of the potential blast zone.
"Well, that's a little more problematic," noted Orochimaru. "Still it's more stable than the previous ones. The bunnygirl thing was only 35% stable and look how well that one turned out."
"She's a blithering idiot with a tendency towards levels of clumsiness that have to be seen to be believed," noted Kabuto. "I'm really surprised you haven't dissolved her to genetic goo in order to better understand the process."
"This lair has never been cleaner, and she's an absolute wonder in the kitchen," admitted Orochimaru. "Both sets of tasks being handled by her means less time either of us have to allocate for such mundanities."
"I suppose," said Kabuto finally. It was true that the rabbit-eared woman was not only incompetent but horrendously incompetent at everything except those two fields - but she was astonishingly skilled at those two.
"Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!"
The chest burst open as a stream of Naruto leapt out, each going in a different direction.
The Hokage just shook his head sadly as a fair number of them were caught but not dispelled.
He'd have to have a word with the boy about being entirely too predictable.
Sure enough, at dawn, he was presented with a set of captured Naruto clones who had been kept from dispelling by the means of ramen bribes.
Really, he understood it. The graduating class from the Academy had three boys in it. Shikamaru Nara and Choji Akimichi had both managed to avoid every occasion where a Cursed Scroll had been opened or triggered. Naruto had not, but there were rumors that somehow being a jinchuriki protected one from the transformation effects.
"Jiraiya?" asked the Hokage a moment later. "What brings you back?"
"Word from some of my spies," said Jiraiya. "Things that I didn't want to trust even encoded to messenger bird. What's all this though?"
The Hokage considered how best to put it.
"The current graduating class has three males in it," said the Hokage. "That leaves seventeen kunoichi who want to register a potential boyfriend in any of the three."
Jiraiya was silent for a moment. "I knew things were screwed up. How bad is it?"
"Over 90% of the ninja of this village, and at least half of the civilian population, are women," said the Hokage.
"So why are sales of my books spiking in the village?" asked Jiraiya. "That demographic has never exceeded 30%."
"Oh, I suspect I know why," said the Hokage. "The details I'll give you later, when the both of us can share a bottle of fine sake. You're buying."
"Right, make it a D-Rank," said Jiraiya. "That way I can eventually get reimbursed."
"Done." Rank occasionally had its privilege.
"So what's your decision? They're obviously waiting for you to make some ruling." Jiraiya pointed at one group after another. "That's five Naruto. You know which one's the real one?"
Five senbon were briefly held in a hand, then vanished. Four Naruto vanished. One was briefly yelping at pain then was dogpiled and lost from sight.
"That one," said the Hokage simply.
"So your decision is?" asked Jiraiya.
"Is this going to show up in a book?" asked the Hokage.
"Maybe," drawled Jiraiya, extending the first syllable out.
"Hmph. Well, my decision is," began the Hokage.
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(Posted Thu, 04 Jul 2013 17:52)
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