This is an SOS call from the Jupiter Mining Corporation Ship Red Dwarf.Most of the crew are gone, having abandoned ship due to the infection of the ship by a corosive virus.
The only ones left are:
David Lister, the last original human left alive
Arnold Rimmer, a resurrected copy of his dead bunkmate
Cat, a creature that evolved from the ship's cat
Kristine Kochanski, an alternate universe version of the ship's navigator
And Kryten, a service mechanoid discovered at a crash site.
Red Dwarf, out.
Additional: In all of our travels, we have seen and done many amazing things on a great number of worlds. And with the certaintity of experience we can confirm at least one thing. No matter where you go, vending machines will hate you.
It was a quiet scene on what looked like a ship that would be crewed by many. The entire mess hall was empty, with nary a soul in sight. One could see from one end to the other with out expectation of seeing another person.
That was save for the two individuals sitting on a bench trying to console a third.
"Come on Mister Rimmer," said Kryten, "You did attempt to do your best."
"My best?" commented Rimmer, "I ran around two dimensions trying to get a cure, and it's not even needed."
Kochanski gave a strained smile. "So what? At least you tried. I mens, you did fail and nearly get us all killed, but you didn't give up, and that's what matters."
"Oh yes, I'm sure that it would have mattered a lot while we were floating in space trying to keep a voracious virus from dissolving our body parts off."
"That's the spirit sir!" cheered the service mechanoid.
"Uhh... Not really, Kryten," replied the sole woman on the ship, "But he is right. You nearly managed to get us the cure."
Rimmer just looked at her. "It's not so much that I failed. Sure enough, I've done that before. And who knows, I might have saved the day, given a chance. But you know what really rankles?"
"No, what?"
"It's what saved us that's the problem."
Kryten patted him on the shoulder. "There, there sir. None of us thought that it would be Mister Lister's dirty laundry that would stop the virus."
"It should have been clear, shouldn't it? I mean, all of those nasty buggers just traipsing along until lo and behold, the mountain of stinky smegginess. Which of course made them run faster than a man in Lower Slobbovia."
"So," Kochanski reassured him, "it just means that we'll be safe and you can be hero later."
"Besides sir," Kryten said, "there will be plenty of work trying to make sure that all of the things that were damaged by the virus are fixed."
"Like what?" Rimmer asked.
Just then, a horrible sound emerged out of nowhere. It sounded like someone was attempting to boil living creatures in acid while they were still conscious. Each of the three covered their ears and hunched over, trying to keep the noise out of their ears (or in Kryten's case, audio receptors). Then, as quickly as it started, it disappeared and they relaxed.
"Like the soundproofing before the next time Mister Lister tries to play his guitar again," offered Kryten.
Rimmer nodded. "I see what you mean. But just once, I'd like to be the hero."
"Wouldn't we all..."
"I did knee Death in the bollocks, you know."
"You sir?"
"Yes me!"
As the technician glared at the service mechanoid, a screen lit up and the ship's computer came on line... wearing a pair of ear muffs. "All right then," said Holly, "How are you all doing?"
"Just fine thanks," growled Rimmer, "We were all getting our ears melted off by Lister's so called music."
"What's that? I can't hear you."
"That's because you have those ridiculous things on your ears, that's why!"
"Nope, still can't hear you. Let me take these off and see if it's better." The floating head bobbed for a bit and when it came up, the muffs were gone. "How's this then?"
"Just dandy, you half witted, underdeveloped version of a pocket calculator!"
"Hey now. There's no need to get insulting. Especially since I came to tell you something important."
"What could you have to tell us that's so important?"
"If you're going to be like that, I won't tell you."
Kochanski rolled her eyes. "Just tell us already..."
"Oh alright. We're getting a signal."
"Really? Where from?"
"A ship of some sort... I think, hard to tell the size from this distance."
"You've actually made contact with another ship? Who is it?"
"Well, I don't really know that right now, but they've got an automated distress thingie going off."
"A 'distress beacon'?"
"Yeah, that's it."
"We should help them then," pronounced Kryten.
"Help them?" scoffed Rimmer, "We can barely help ourselves when it comes to getting in line for the bathroom."
"Let's just check it out, okay?" Kochanski said with a sigh, "What have we to lose?"
"Our lives, our freedom, and our sanity."
"Well, two out of three isn't too bad. Holly, let's check it out."
"Right oh," replied the computer, who set them on a course to meet:
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(Posted Sat, 24 May 2003 09:09)
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