"Mmmph! MMMph! MMMMMMPHHH!!!!"
The small individual struggled fitfully against their bonds, their efforts to free themselves thwarted by the seemingly indestructible metallic ties that bound them to the chair. Head shaking back and forth and body undulating wildly, the pathetic figure managed to shift the rickety wooden chair all of two inches before the wooden legs fused with the floor. Giving rise to a muffled groan, the figure slumped, a few loose strands of hair drifting down to partially cover their eyes. As they sat and stared out into the shifting darkness only one thought passed through their minds.
'Maybe I should have slept in today...'
Suddenly the darkness flooded away as bright fluorescent rays poured down from the newly-illuminated overhead lights, racing across the ground and banishing the shadows. The figure blinked blearily for a few moments, trying to get their eyes to focus, then let out a strangled gasp at the sight that was revealed.
They were tied to a chair in the center of a stage.
A gameshow stage.
Eyes growing increasingly wide, the figure took in the gaudily-decorated set, took in the brightly conflicting colors and the seemingly innumerable running lights, took in the small podium and the large television screen dominating one wall, took in the large roulette wheel sitting off to one corner of the stage and came to one unmistakable conclusion.
'Yep. Definitely should have slept in today.'
The figure was still griping when the large studio suddenly filled with cheesy music and a bright spotlight flipped on to travel methodically across the stage, tracking the movements of a tall, bishounen, young man, his wavy blonde hair slicked to perfection and his award-winning smile shining with carefully poised brilliance. Approaching the podium, he tapped twice on the microphone than sung a few bars, his voice strong, vibrant, and full of confidence. Finally, after a few more warm-up scales and an off-key rendition of 'I Feel Pretty', he turned toward the cameras, his lips drawing close to the microphone before bellowing out...
"What time is it folks?!"
A large roar fills the room as the studio lights suddenly flip on, revealing a large auditorium, filled to capacity with all sorts of creatures, mostly non-human, their elfin ears and gossamer wings arcing gracefully from their bodies, their mouths stretched out in large lecherous grins, as their multi-colored eyes turn as one to focus on the announcer. As one they rise to their feet, and as one they raise their voices to shout out at the top of their lungs:
"Time to play, This Was Your Life!!!"
"YES!!" he exclaimed, throwing his arms wide and beaming another dazzling smile, the large electric billboard bearing the show's name suddenly blazing to life overhead, sending a coruscating shower of confetti and sparks cascading down over the front of the stage.
After the pyrotechnics had passed, the host lowered his arms and once again turned to face the cameras, his ever-present smile still plastered on his face. Giving a low cough and a slight wheeze, he slowly began to speak again, his voice much more measured, yet nonetheless still greatly excited.
"That's right, it's time to play 'This Was Your Life!', the Fairy Kingdom's oldest and longest running gameshow, hosted by yours truly, the master of mayhem, the lord of laughs, the prince of pranks, the king of cajoling, the wizard of wackiness, the man with far too many titles for his own good, the one, the only, Puck!"
Puck preened, posed, and paused for a photo-op, then gave a muffled yelp and ducked behind his podium as he realized that it was bat day.
After the wave of projectile weaponry had passed, Puck raggedly stood up, dodged one last bat, then resumed his place at the podium, adjusting his tie and clearing his throat in a vain attempt to look professional.
"Ahem."
When no more bats were forthcoming, Puck gratefully resumed his monologue.
"As always, we'd like to take the time to thank our sponsor and co-producer, the Bureau of Mortal Affairs for their generous monetary contributions and their assistance in the selection and procurement of today's victims, err, contestants."
Somewhere in the audience, a little electric prompting sign flipped on bearing the words 'Collectively Hoot & Holler'. The assembled audience blinked in confusion for a few moments, gave a collective shrug, then proceeded to enthusiastically hoot and holler.
"That's right-" Puck continued, trailing off as the hooting and hollering continued...
And continued...
And continued.
Grimacing and biting off a few muttered oaths, Puck whirled around and stormed offstage, muffled shouting and a series of painful-sounding thuds following in his wake. A few moments later, the electric prompter changed to display the words 'Shut Up Or Else.'
The audience paused, blinked, shrugged, then collectively shut up.
"Now," Puck repeated, marching back onstage and agitatedly brushing some dust and few stray drops of blood off of his impeccably tailored suit, "As I was saying, it's time to play 'This Was Your Life!' Now, as most of you know, the rules of the game are simple. Each week our specially selected strike team, err, recruiters, at the Bureau of Mortal Affairs take their time to go out and find a poor suffering mortal to serve as our lucky contestant. We then kidnap, err, invite them on the show, confront them with their past, and give them the opportunity to win a chance at a better future. Doesn't that sound like fun?"
Out in the audience, crickets chirped.
Puck frowned. "And of course, since this is sweeps week, we'll be allowing our lucky contestant to win a chance at love as well. That's right, folks. Even as we speak, backstage we have several hostages, err, willing participants ready and waiting to throw away their lives for a chance at happiness with our lucky contestant. Will they be wives, husbands, something less, or something more? I can feel the excitement! Aren't you all excited!?"
Somebody started snoring.
Growling slightly, Puck audibly cleared his throat then leveled a scathing glare at the unresponsive audience. "I said AREN"T YOU ALL EXCITED?!?!?!"
A tumbleweed blew through the studio.
...
...
"...You'll also get a free Juicer."
The crowd cheered.
"Now," Puck continued, sighing and gesturing to one of the nearby studio lackeys, "It's time to meet our lucky contestants!"
The crowd cheered, then cheered louder as they were collectively paid off.
"Now that's more like it!" Puck enthused, stepping out from behind the podium, "I knew you'd be excited! Now, our first contestant is a young warrior and part-time hero hailing all the way from the sometimes-obscure reaches of Japan! Please give it up for..."
(Posted Wed, 25 Jun 2003 09:12)
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らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
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