Yet, she had clear images of what was distracting her, and no matter what she tried, she could not get them out of her head. It was foremost on her mind, and she knew that there would have to be some time that she would have to deal with it. But she just found that she didn't want to, as it meant that she would have to look at things she did not want to.
However, to her growing frustration, she couldn't get herself into the numbers as she normally could, so she shoved herself away from her desk, and swiveled her lab chair to the side. Crossing her long legs, she leaned back and closed her eyes as she let go of the blocks she had been trying to put up. They hadn't been working anyway, and right then she needed to calm her mind.
Not that it was easy as she remembered what she had done. She had sex with the Commander's son, who happened to be a pilot under her care, and so much younger than her. Just normal rules would likely have something to say about it, like doctor-patient, or something, but she couldn't get past feeling... good about it somehow. Which would have been odd if things were just normal, but as they stood at the moment...
'I had sex with the Gendo's son, when I've been having an affair with Gendo,' she thought with a bit of self derision, 'How ironic is that?'
The fact that her relationship with Gendo was not easily determined, let alone with a word such as simple as 'affair' was. He had her do things that would have repulsed her when she was younger. Just betraying Misato as she had hurt too much to think about, but he had taken it as expected. She helped him work towards goals that one might only consider 'megalomaniacal'. But she did them anyway, with her only 'rewards' being his continued favor, and 'encounters' that were all about him. In her attempt to prove herself better than her mother, she had allowed herself to be seduced by someone she couldn't trust completely, and became someone she didn't like very much.
But Shinji? He had never asked her for anything and hadn't treated her like what she would have expected from a teenager who'd gotten his hands on an attractive older woman who he'd known for a while. In fact, he'd seemed to afraid of not giving her as much pleasure as he could, even though he probably could have used her body any which way he wanted.
The younger Ikari had treated her with simple respect and dignity, and she actually felt humbled by it. Something about it just made her want to be that image he had, to be that for him, and none other. She couldn't even call what they did 'just sex', as what they had done was too personal and wonderful. So much so that she was finding that he was actually proving to be more alluring than his father, and a part of her truly would not have minded doing it again. It was almost as if she was...
'Nonsense,' she firmly told herself as she reached for her pack of cigarettes, 'I can't be beginning to fall for him.'
Telling herself that she was convinced, she pulled out one from the pack, and reached for the lighter. It took a couple of tries, but she managed it, and flicked a flame into existance. Just as she was about to touch the tip of her cigarette to it, an odd thought struck her.
'I wonder what Shinji thought about kissing a woman who smokes.'
For a few moments, the thought didn't register, but when it did, she snapped the lighter off, and held the thin white cylinder before her as if looking at it in a new way.
Which in one sense it was.
But as she closed her eyes, in quiet realisation,:
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(Posted Tue, 02 Dec 2003 20:01)
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らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
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