"What'chu doin, foo'?" complained the overmuscled Barret, gesturing at the 'failed' Sephiroth clone with his gun-arm.
Cloud uncermoniously presented a slightly dirty looking kettle. The dry mud didn't conceal all of the ostensibly precious and _large_ red gem that adorned the metal container's lid.
"That's odd," commented Red XIII. He frowned his feline features. "I just passed that bush and I'd have noticed...
"What is it?" asked Tifa curiously, walking toward the blonde swordsman.
"ITS MINE!" declared Yuffie petulantly, making for Cloud, gil signs in her eyes.
Only to be tripped up and fall flat on her face. "Ite..." she groused quietly. Cait Sith clasped his arms behind his back and whistled innocently. Cid humphed.
"We all share the profits equally," grumbled the pilot through his cigar. He looked to their leader. "Wipe that thing off, kid. We could get a pretty penny for that in the next town if that stone's real."
"It is," interjected Vincent in a tone indicating that he couldn't have cared less either way.
"_That_ big a real ruby" whistled Cid, shifting his weight to lean on his polearm. He smiled as Cloud brushed and rubbed the group's new retirement plan clean. "Forget fixing the Highwind, we could BUY a new ship!"
"It isn't a ruby," commented the former Turks.
"Chu' talkin' 'bout, Vincent?" growled Barret. "You jus' said -"
"That it was real," interrupted the firey cat-wolf. "He's right, that's a Summon Materia."
"Oh. S'good too," conceded Barret, nodding at the glinting kettle in Cloud's hands. He turned back to the oldest two memebers of the group. "What type is it?"
"No idea," answered Nanaki and Vincent simultaneously. The remainder of the group grew sweatdrops.
"Well," piped in Tifa cheerily. "We can just find out the way we did the other Summons we weren't familiar with." She smiled at her long-time friend. "Cloud can equip the materia to his sword. I'm sure some random enemy will happen along and then we can test it."
"Good idea," agreed Yuffie, back up from the floor. "But don't you think its awfully unfair of us to always burden poor Cloud with work lke this?" she grinned innocently. She began pontificating, "As he is our leader, it is our duty to ensure that he comes to no harm! He needs his rest...and stuff. So how about you let me test out this unknown and potentially very expensive materia on the field?" She smiled her cutest little kawaii smile.
And fell over again, Cait Sith making no pretence in his action this time.
Cloud rolled his eyes tiredly and proceeded to remove the materia from the kettle... to remove the materia from the kettle...
"Whenever you're ready," complained Cid.
"Heh," breathed Cloud, grunting with effort. "Any moment now." His muscles strained and his veins bulged as he tried to remove the stone from the item. "It won't budge," he admitted finally.
"Gimme dat thing, foo'!" demanded the unhappy former leader of AVALANCHE.
"No way," interjected Tifa quickly. "You'll just try to shoot it off."
"So?"
Ignoring the question, Tifa continued.
"We all know that Cloud's the strongest of us," there some muted grumbles, but no one disagreed. "If he can't get the materia off that kettle,"
"Actually, its a lamp," corrected Red XIII.
"If he can't get the materia off of that LAMP," she said teresly, "then none of us are going to be able,"
"Actually, its 'none of us _is_ going to be able'."
"If he can't get the materia off of that LAMP," she growled as she made the amendment, "then none of us IS going to be able to do it either. Stupid cat," she added under her breath.
"Actually, while my outward appearance may appear feline, my race are not among the known species of the family Felidae-aahhkkk!!!"
While Cid and Barret fought to pry Tifa's hands from Red's throat, Vincent made an observation to Cloud.
"The cat attaches his materia to a comb."
"Yeah," murmured Cloud. "I've always wondered about that."
"And Reeve's puppet attaches it's materia to a megaphone."
"Uh-huh?" prompted Cloud, wondering where this was going.
"Would a lamp be any stranger?" Cloud frowned, again examining the metal object in his hands. "If that Materia refuses to be moved from its place, perhaps its because its meant to be there?"
"But that would mean...You can't be serious?" Vincent nodded, a ghost of a smile on his lips. "I am not fighting with a teakettle," Cloud said flatly, as true mirth appeared on Vincent's face for the first time in Cloud's lifetime.
Forty minutes later saw the group snickering amongst themselves as Cloud hefted his mighty kettle and awaited the still potentially dangerous Midgar Serpent. Cait Sith was holding a toy buster sword and singing 'I'm a Lovely Teapot' in Soprano, much to the amusement of the others.
"You know I'm standing right here," he groused. "And you're one to talk, Mic-Boy!"
"Oh no," cried the robot. "Its the ultimate attack, 'Crockery of Doom'! Run!" Cid near passed out on the ground.
"Its alright Cloud," soothingly said Tifa. "Its okay if you want to blow off a little STEAM! BWAHAAHAHAA!!" The group fell once more to the floor, save Vincent, whose shoulders were shaking beneath his cloak.
Such was the amusement, no one save the erstwhile swordsman noticed the arrival of a somewhat confused Midgar Serpent. Cloud sighed and hoped the giant snake could take him seriously, considering he couldn't do so himself. His hopes died as the Serpent grew a monstrous sweatdrop, and decided that while it wasn't really hungry, and humans tasted a poor second to chocobos, that it had to kill this particular one on sheer principle.
As the gigantic snake prepared to strike, Cloud grimaced and spun the lamp in his hand. His eyes widened as he felt the intense power of the materia activating in his grasp. The world grew dark. The lamp glowed eerily as the serpent recoiled in instinctive fear. The relic now glowed with a brilliant corona; a light that seemed so dense as to be solid. You could almost hear the ominous latin chorus as the energy convalesced and concentrated itself, taking form...
As a little redheaded girl in see-through pyjamas.
"The Hell!?" shouted Barret and the girl simultaneously. The redhead gawped at the giant serpent staring dubiously down at her comparatively tiny figure. "And why is anybody in their right mind filming a sequel to Anaconda? That movie sucks." She turned to Cloud, meaning to ask if he was the director, but something clicked in her mind, and instead she expectantly asked, "You got a wish, buddy?"
"A wish?"
"Or, y'know, a command. Get with program, mine colonel."
"Errr..." answered Cloud intelligently at the Summon that less resembled a beast of power incarnate, than an especially exotic girl from the late Don Corneo's 'establishment' in the slums of Midgar. And since when did Summoned creatures ask for instruction? "Could you, er, defeat that Serpent?"
"No problem," answered the girl assuredly, turning back to her foe.
-
"No problem," answered Ranma with more confidence than she felt. That snake was HUGE! Calf-length braid flowing behing her, she strode with forced cockiness to the thing that looked like it could swallow Pantyhose Taro whole and ask for seconds. She looked up... and up to the monster's face. "Let's go, Fangs."
Fangs hissed horribly and attacked. Ranma was already charging a Moko Takabisha when she blinked. "Woah..."
-
Tifa gasped as the Summon that looked like Shiva's feisty little sister let loose a scream matched only in intensity by the strength of the blinding supercharged beam that flew from her hands.
MOKO TAKABISHA!
When she trusted her eyes to see again, she lowered her arm to a scene of utter destruction. The Midgar Serpent was gone... And so was the forest behind it. And the mountain range.
"Heh," sweated the redhead at the ruination. "Guess I overdid it a little."
"A little!?" gawped Tifa, shaking her head, as she waited for the Summon to disappear.
And waited.
"Why aren't you disappearing?" asked Tifa.
"Why would I?" asked the girl with a look as though she'd been asked what colour an orange was.
"What... are you?" asked Cloud breathlessly. At this, the girl smiled and ceremoniously proclaimed,
"My name is Saotome Ranma, or Ranko, if you'd prefer. I am the Genie of the Magic Lamp, and your wish is my command."
Tifa noticed glazed lecherous looks adorning Cid and Barret's faces. Even Cait Sith seemed to be twitching erratically. The redhead looked puzzled, then blushed crimson, becoming extremely aware of her state of dress. Belatedly she added, "S'long as its not somethin' ecchi."
"Well, this is interesting," noted Vincent almost sounding like he might mean it.
"Actually, I'd say its more fascinating," added Red XIII.
"You want to try that throat against a gun this time?"
-
A genie. A materia to summon a GENIE!? Did such a thing exist? Here was proof! A genie meant a wish, and a wish meant...
"My wish is your command!?" repeated Cloud desperately.
"Uh-huh," nodded the girl, her features growing wary.
Cloud held aloft the no longer insignificant-seeming lamp and...
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(Posted Tue, 17 May 2005 22:50)
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