“Well, all right! I’m gonna go tell Shake about this!” Meatwad rolled off into the depths of the home of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Three seconds later, he rolled back. “Um, Frylock?”
“He’s in Carl’s pool, Meatwad.”
“So you see, Carl, that is why the government can’t be trusted with this Daylight Savings Time nonsense.”
“Yeah, Yeah, I’m sure dat’s all really intrestin’… ta someone else. But what I wanna know, is WHAT DA HELL ARE YA DOIN’ IN MY POOL?!”
Master Shake sighed. Carl was being difficult. Again. “Carl, it’s like this. I’ve got really bad corns…”
“Oh yeah, they’re real bad, especially seein’ as how you don’t have no feet.”
Shake ignored his irate neighbor and continued. “…so to alleviate my excruciating suffering, I am soaking in a special herbal bath.”
Carl glanced at the liquid in his pool, which didn’t look like water so much as a gelatinous purple goo. “Uh huh. Right, I feel your pain, and all that crap. Now then, you were, of course, going to be cleanin’ my pool, when you were done dere.”
Shake chuckled condescendingly. “Carl, I would love to do that for you—I really would. But I am a guest at your home, and it simply would not be proper… for me… as a guest… to take on your responsibilities, and deprive you… of the joys of hospitality. It’s for your own good, really.”
“Yeah, I figured you’d say somethin’ like dat. So let me put it dis way: if you don’t get your freaky ass outta my pool by da time I count ta five, I am going to get my shotgun, and then I will take full advantage of my second amendment rights on your face.”
“Carl, do you really have be so violent? Heh-heh. Can’t we all just get along?”
“One.”
“C’mon, Carl, if you look at it my way, I’m the one doing you a favor.”
“Two.” Carl entered his home and headed for his gun rack.
Meatwad chose this moment to roll up to the pool. “Shake! Shake!”
“Not now, I’m busy negotiating with Carl.”
“Three!”
“But Shake, you won’t believe what happened!”
“What? Did the Frylock clone me another television? Did he make sure it was HDTV this time? I will not tolerate piece-of-crap normal television anymore.”
“Four!”
“No! The Exchange Program wrote back and now I’m going—”
Shake’s eyes widened as he realized what had happened. “Woohoo! I’m going to Japan!”
“Uh, no. I’m going.”
“No you’re not. I’ve got to go get ready!” Shake hopped out of Carl’s pool.
“But the letter said…”
“It doesn’t matter what it said, I’m going and you aren’t.” He headed back to his home, oblivious to the protests of his meaty companion.
“Five! Alright, get outta… my… pool.” Carl lowered his firearm. “Oh, I… guess you did. Hey! He did! He got outta my pool thanks ta this baby!” He patted the shotgun lovingly, knowing that he finally had a way to defend his pool from those damned freaks. “Now, I guess all I gotta do, is, uh, clean dis crud outta my pool…” When he realized that this was exactly what Shake had wanted him to do, his reaction was predictable.
“F—”
“Frylock! Pack my bags immediately, for I (and nobody else) am going to Japan, where I shall meet many large-chested bisexual women, who will have sex with me and each other as members of my personal harem.”
“Okay, first of all, I’m not your butler. Second, I think you’re confusing reality with hentai. And third, you aren’t going to Japan. According to this letter, Meatwad is.”
“WHAT?!”
“Hah! I told you the letter was for me!”
“How is that possible? Meatwad never signed up for this!”
“You signed me up, Shake.”
“Heh-heh. No, Meatwad, I did not sign you up, because you are a stupid ball of meat who deserves to go in a hamburger.”
“But you said—”
“I lied. But this is distracting us from the real question, namely why is he going and not me?!”
Frylock looked over the letter again. “Well, it seems that you only signed the line for the legal guardian’s permission, so they assumed it was meant for a minor in your household, and the only one who fits that description is Meatwad.”
“Awesome!”
“No No NO NO! This is not the way things are supposed to work!”
“I don’t see what your problem is, Shake. This is a great opportunity for Meatwad to learn about another culture.”
“Not if I have anything to say about it!” Shake grabbed the letter and used a conveniently placed lighter to set it aflame. “There. Now no one’s going to Japan.”
“What? But they said I could go!”
“Where’s your proof, hmm? You can’t go to Japan if you don’t have any proof that they chose you. Oh, wait, is this your proof? This unrecognizable pile of ashes? You’re going to tell me that’s proof?”
Meatwad was silent for a few seconds, and then began crying.
“Yeah, that’s right. That oughta teach you.”
“Teach him what, Shake?” asked Frylock, who had already moved to comfort the bawling invertebrate.
Shake sighed. “That in this world, there are some things that are more important than other things, and Meatwad has to learn that. Specifically, he has to learn that his happiness is not as important as me getting it on with huge-gazonga’ed Japanese schoolgirls.”
Frylock ignored the egomaniacal milkshake. “There, there Meatwad. It’s not the end of the world.”
“But… but I wanted to go to Japan!”
“And you are going.”
“But the letter…”
“Well, I suspected Shake would try and pull something like this, so I went ahead and contacted the Board of Education to tell them that you’d accepted.”
Shake was, unsurprisingly, aghast. “What?!”
“You heard me. Everything’s been set up, and tomorrow, someone’s going to come over to pick up Meatwad.”
“How dare you undermine my authority as head of this household!”
“Very easily, when Meatwad’s future is concerned.” He turned to the aforementioned wad of meat. “Why don’t you go start packing your things, while we get ready for our new roommate.”
“WHAT?! New roommate?! What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the Japanese student who’ll be staying with us while Meatwad’s in Japan.”
“I never agreed to this!”
“It’s an exchange program, Shake. Meatwad is going to stay with the family of a Japanese student, and that student is going to stay with us.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that you pulled this stunt on me—wait up. Student? As in voluptuous Japanese schoolgirl? Hey, this may not be so bad after all!”
“Uh, Shake, we don’t know for certain that it’s a girl…”
“Well, what’s her name?”
Frylock sighed. “Our exchange student’s name is…
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(Posted Sun, 19 Feb 2006 06:59)
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