"What the hell are you talking about, pops?"
"All of your previous schools have been all-boys schools. You know how to handle guys without problems. This will be your first time going to a co-ed school, and you are ill prepared in dealing with the conniving ways of women. But you have to learn sometime. However, should some girl temporarily get the better of you, I've got something for you that you should use in an emergency."
"What is it?"
"This box of condoms. Don't forget: there are girls out there, so wrap up!"
"So what was your dad talking about before we left?"
"Aw, he was just giving me some rubbers in case any of the girls try to rape me."
"You jerk! How could anyone have that big an ego?"
As they begin their shogi game, Genma asks "So, Soun, what kind of protection are your daughters using?"
"Well, Akane knows martial arts, and Kasumi and Nabiki carry pepper spray."
"Not that! What about contraception? Don't tell me you're relying on abstinence or the rhythm method, that's how Kasumi was conceived! You told me so, yourself!"
"What can I do?"
"The pill has gotten alot of bad press, but it can still be prescribed for extreme cramps or problems in regularity. I'll find you a doctor who's willing to consider it."
"Is this really necessary?"
"They're at the age where they can conceive through three layers of cloth. I don't know if the pill's good enough by itself. IUDs are a good bet, although you run the risk of inter-uterine infections. The cap, on the other hand, requires training to insert it properly..."
That evening, over dinner, Soun announced "Genma and I have been discussing the difficulties of teenaged boys and girls living together in the same house. We've already had one mishap where Akane and Ranma saw each other naked."
"Would you stop bringing that up! It wasn't on purpose."
Genma barks out, "It doesn't matter if it was on purpose or not. The point is that things will happen whether we want them to or not. All four of you are at that difficult age where your hormones ambush you without warning. The last thing we want is for you to let the sexual frustration grow until it bursts in an unfortunate release. That's why Soun and I bought you four, these."
The parents hand each of the children an envelope, each containing a slip of paper. Nabiki reads hers aloud "A gift certificate to 'Big Bertha's Wide World of Vibrators.' Home of the King Stud. Inserting Tab A into Slot B for over thirty years." Nabiki looks at her father "You can't be serious."
Ranma asked "So why are you giving one to me?"
Genma answered "Because it's too dangerous for you to experience sex with someone of the opposite gender. Luckily, you're malleable."
Before Ranma can protest, Soun announces "Those are good for one dildo. If you want butt plugs or something like that, you can buy it with your allowance."
With a cry of "Hentai!" a crimson Akane clobbered the fathers.
That evening, the three daughters and Ranma met in Nabiki's room. Akane opened the discussion. "This is all your fault!" She yelled at Ranma.
"How is it my fault?"
"Before you came here, this sort of thing never happened!"
"Before we got here, it never happened to me, either! Hell, before we got here, I never spent more than ten minutes in the same room as a female! If I had any idea how embarrassing it'd be, I wouldn't have let him drag me here."
Nabiki interrupted "That's enough you two. The problem isn't Ranma. The problem is clearly our fathers. They've got some bizarre idea in their head. Neither of them behaved like this before they got together, so it's likely that Ranma and we each have one half of the puzzle about why they're reacting this way. That's why we're meeting here, so I can figure out what's going on! That means no sniping at each other. Okay?"
After the youngest two desultorily agree, Nabiki turns to Akane and Kasumi. "Did daddy recently hear anything about the Hentai horde at school?"
Kasumi answered "Not unless he heard it when talking to someone outside the house."
Nabiki said "Then the missing piece of the puzzle must lie with Genma. So Genma has kept you away from women?"
"Yeah. I only got to go to school when the law forced him, and then it was all-boys schools. The only girls I ever saw were attached to dojos, and pop kept me away from them. The only girl I ever saw more than a few times was Shampoo, and that was because she chased us across China trying to kill us."
Kasumi asked "Why would your father try to keep you away from women?"
"He always said women made a man weak. That they were unable to fight, and needed men to protect them. Hey! Don't get mad at me! You asked me what pop said, and I told you!"
Akane shouted "And what do you think about women?"
"How the heck should I know? From what I can see, Chinese women will murder you in your sleep if you beat them in combat, and Japanese women wanna pound you if you don't lie to them when they ask you a question."
"Akane! Stop blaming Ranma for what his father thinks or does! You're just making things harder for all of us. You should be ashamed!" Kasumi turned to Ranma, "Ranma, if you only had three years of formal schooling, did you ever have a class on sex education?"
"They teach that in school? No wonder the guys are all perverts."
Nabiki answered "They don't teach technique. They just teach how the reproductive system works. Did your dad at least bother to give you the 'Birds and the Bees' speech?"
"Sure! You burn wet leaves upwind of the hive, and when the bees get sleepy, you can take the honey safely. Birds are more complicated because there're so many more types."
"Oh my."
As the four emerged from Nabiki's room, they noticed a box with a glass front pane nailed onto the wall. It had "In case of emergency, break glass" stenciled on the front. Inside was clearly visible a pack of condoms and a double-headed gel dildo.
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(Posted Thu, 11 Nov 2004 06:51)
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