Rei needed far less sleep than normal humans even in her physically exhausted state. She preferred to use her time more productively by properly analyzing the recent events. She also was to confused and frightened to sleep right now.
It was supposed to have been a simple act that would raise Shinji's self-confidence levels. This goal she had evidently achieved. But her act had also had repercussions that she had not anticipated before.
She had changed. And not just the physical aspect of loosing her virginity. She had become what she could only describe as 'more human' for lack of a better description.
Being human was far more frightening than she had ever expected. She had ignored a drill and assaulted a NERV agent, things she would never have done before. With Shinji at her side there suddenly seemed to be no limits to what she could do if she choose.
Shinji considered her as far more than a tool and she now realized that she did too.
And what was even more frightening than her new freedom of choice was the newfound feeling of being loved.
She snuggled deeper into her snoring bedmates embrace.
But in a way that she could not have understood before she knew that this relationship could be worth it. That making her own decisions instead of following orders was worth the danger of choosing wrong. That this strange new feeling of being loved was worth everything she would have to endure because of it. That Shinji was worth it.
She would make this relationship work and she would keep Shinji safe. She would keep her lover safe from the Angels, from Nerv, from Seele and from everyone else who tried to harm him.
This vow brought her back to her original plan of using her manual to improve the effectiveness of the pilot team.
She would have to change it, but the angels still needed to be defeated and a more effective team of EVA-pilots would still be a good idea. She also could use the information in the manual to create new loyalties among the pilots and perhaps the command staff of NERV that would protect Shinji.
There was also the novel idea of using the lore of her manual to simply improve the her sex life with Shinji for her own sake.
But first she had to tackle the problem of correctly classifying the status of her and Shinji's relationship.
"Does this mean, that you are my girlfriend now?" He had asked in wonder after their first time.
Rei had the presence of mind not to immediately give an answer that might be interpreted by him as an rejection. It would likely undo all her hard work in getting his sense of self-worth up. She had instead instigated another round of lovemaking to distract him and simply because it felt like the right thing to do at the time. But he would probably ask again in the morning.
Rei tried to recall what she had earlier researched on this subject using her manual and to what conclusions she had come.
The term "girlfriend" she had decided indicated a certain degree of exclusivity and equality in an relationship. This she had thought at that time was not a desirable status for their relationship.
Her long term objective had been to forge a more efficient team of EVA-pilots. Exclusive relationships would only hurt this goal as they tended to result in jealousy and other negative emotions. If the second child once she arrived would feel "left out" it could greatly reduce the efficiency of the pilot team.
The other problem had been the implied equality in the term "girlfriend." True the implication was not great as there were often small degrees of inequality present in a "girlfriend" type relationship, but Rei would have wished for a more unequivocal term that clearly defined designation of authority.
Equality might be desirable in civilian relationships, but in a combat unit unclear chains of command were likely to result in defeat.
A leader for the team would have to be choosen. In theory Rei held that spot as she had seniority as a pilot. Pilot Ikari though had more combat experience at this point and had shown himself better suited to take the initiative on the battlefield.
There was also the fact that unlike him Rei was replaceable. In an emergency situation she would have to sacrifice herself to keep him alive. This would suggest a lesser rank for herself than for Shinji.
It had remained to be seen ho further pilots would fit into this hierarchy.
The manual had many examples of types of sexual relationships with power and authority shared asymmetrically to different degrees.
Rei had found that one male person in a position of authority with a harem of several female servants was a standard configuration that appeared in many parts of her manual.
This had looked like a relationship form, that would fit her requirements best.
There also had been an interesting passage about what her manual called "topping from the bottom" Rei had not been entirely clear on what motivations might lead the participants to engage in this kind of paradox behavior, but she understood that the mechanisms could allow her to subtly steer the harem even if she was not in a position of immediate authority.
The harem idea with Shinji being her master not her boyfriend had sounded like the best idea at the time.
But that had been then, when she had coldly calculated and seen him and herself only as tools - something that she was ashamed of in retrospect.
Now love had come into the equation and Rei no longer could view things as detached as she had before.
Could she still share Shinji with others? Did love have to be exclusive? Did she want to be Shinji's girlfriend or was loving him and being loved by him compatible with being a submissive partner instead of an equal one?
Might one of the other relationship models in the manual not be the better choice?
In the morning she would likely have to give Shinji an answer.
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(Posted Wed, 01 Dec 2004 22:35)
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