"What have I done?" she stammered frantically. "What have I done!?"
Seras never wanted to hurt anyone. She didn't even want to hurt these people, they'd attacked her and she only wanted to get away! Part of her wanted to rationalize it, it was her or them. They were her enemies, but she could not accept that. They'd been human beings and she killed them, she'd fed on a live human.
She was a killer, a murder! She had always tried to reject what she had become, retain her humanity, but how could she live with this? She murdered these people! She was not a human. She had no humanity. She was nothing more than a monster.
Seras's legs began to weaken under her, and she fell to her knees. She could no longer support her self under the weight of her own shame and self-loathing.
She'd lost control again, like she did against the ghouls… but there were not soulless monsters. They had been human beings. They had families, loved one, children. Their deaths would affect others in truly horrible ways. She knew what it was like for a child to loose their father, and now she'd taken the fathers from so many others.
It ripped her apart inside. She could not bare the guilt. For a moment she even felt herself resenting Alucard. He had been the one who granted her un-life. Would it have been better if she had just died with the rest of her squad?
As she looked at her bloodied hands tears began to run down her cheeks. Was she really no different than the Freaks who she fought?
She shook her head. No, she was different. They didn't care did they? They reveled in it they'd never feel guilty. She didn't even like drinking medical blood, and killing people was totally out of the question.
She laughed slightly, though it did sound more like a sigh. She was in a medieval place… they didn't have medical blood. She's have to feed from people if she was to survive, and if she starved herself too long, she'd loose control and kill even more people.
Maybe she should have just let them kill her.
"I'm in hell, aren’t I…" she muttered to herself darkly.
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(Posted Sat, 05 Mar 2005 21:01)
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