"Oh? What did he teach you?"
"Well, he said there was a technique to avoid getting a girl pregnant called the rhythm method, but he said it didn't work right all the time. Just because he couldn't master it, he wouldn't teach it to me. I bet I could maintain the proper speed of thrusting."
"Oh my. The rhythm method has nothing to do with how you have sex, it refers to the likelihood of pregnancy occurring. Women's fertility varies over about a month, and there's a period where the likelihood of pregnancy is much lower. But it isn't safe to rely on that."
"Oh. So it was part of what pop was saying about lessening the chance of having a baby. He also told me that sperm production could go down due to alcohol, heat, or caffeine. So whenever possible, before sex I should soak my plums in Irish coffee."
"I don't know which is worse. The things he didn't bother to teach you, or the things he did."
"He also mentioned that instead of sex it would be better to get down on each other."
"I think he meant going down on each other."
"Is that like getting down on each other? I asked pop what disco had to do with sex, but he just got this far away look in his eyes and said 'You'll see soon enough son.'"
"I never would have guessed the old man had it in him."
"I told him I thought the tango was supposed to be the dance of passion, but he just said I haven't lived until I danced with the woman I loved surrounded by a circle of other people watching me strut my stuff, while the sound system played the songs of three post-pubescent American males who sounded like their balls were in a clamp."
Kasumi commented "Well, dancing's supposed to be the vertical expression of a horizontal desire, but that was supposed to refer to ballroom dancing where the couple hold each other while dancing. I don't know that it applies to disco."
Nabiki added "I guess it's a good thing whoever came up with that saying never had sex in the shower, or he'd have described the game Twister as a horizontal expression of a vertical desire."
"I'm confused. To avoid getting a girl pregnant, am I supposed to seek out or avoid music of the 70’s? Oh! I got it! I've seen some of those dances. Some of those positions cause sterility, right?"
"I don't think so. I believe you can safely consider all information involving music of the 70's as out of date, and unreliable."
"He was pretty drunk that night he went over this. So I guess I should also ignore his comments about the music of Tom Jones and Barry White being the second most effective method of removing a girl's panties."
"Why did he say it was the second most effective?"
"I asked him that, but all he did was mumble about an accursed martial arts technique sealed for the good of the world. Then he said the technique was not only sealed, but drunk and blown up too. He was pretty soused."
"Did he say anything else?"
"No, then he started singing a song about Eskimo Nell with a dickey-die-dough riding on the good ship Venus to the Kerrimuir ball."
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(Posted Mon, 04 Apr 2005 17:56)
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