“Nope, it’s got some sorta infinite ammo enchantment...” At Ranma’s look, Church pressed, “Trust me I know... They fired that thing for ten hours straight at our base, plus they got, like, infinite ammo boxes that when ya open ‘em up are full of fresh clips... So they’re not hurting for ammo.”
“Oh for the love of...” Ranma groaned as he shook his head. “So we’re basically out of action?”
“Trust me, I’d love to teach those bastards a lesson, but even my armor can’t stand up to SIX-THOUSAND armor-piercing rounds...” Church retorted.
Rolling his eyes, Ranma snorted. “What cheap shit are they outfitting you Paladins with today anyway?” The pigtailed monk asked. “When I was a kid, I heard stories of Paladin armor standing up to a blast of dragon-fire head-on.”
“That’s fire,” Church said irritably. “These cockbites are firing bullets made of the same material as my armor, that’s being hurtled at high speeds... Do the math moron!” He said with a shout. “At the speeds that gun fires, you could send a pencil eraser through somebody’s head!” Then, as an aside, Church added, “Besides... Dragon fire is hot, but it doesn’t penetrate like bullets moron, and since our armor is made to withstand magic and fire... Yeah, I’d rather bask in a dragon fire sauna than be shot at.”
Taking that information into account, Ranma frowned. “Man, I wish we have some guns...” He looked over the edge of the slab they were taking shelter behind for a moment, before he quickly retreating his head, lest he lose it to rampant Puma... Warthog... Whatever fire! “Lina can barely use her spells out there.”
“Yeah, and Pirotess can’t either...” Church considered. “And Brit’s speed is only good for playing dodge and duck, and Tenchi can’t do jack either.” The paladin managed to smirk a little to himself. “And you guys used to say I was a loser for getting beaten by raiders when I had a nice fortified outpost to hole up in... Well, with morons like Tucker and Caboose as my only allies, and the firepower the Reds have... Yeah it only took them two days to make us run away for our lives.”
Ranma nodded his head seriously. "Okay. So IF we get out of this alive... I promise to stop calling you a wuss for losing your fortified stronghold, okay?” The pigtailed monk grumbled bitterly. “Man, and I was all set to get out of this little shit-hole town and go on another quest.”
“No shit man,” Church replied. He then took a moment to look past their shielf, befpre he too went back behind safety. “Hmmm... There’s gotta be some way to get them distracted from us long enough to make a run for it...”
“Yeah. Tenchi isn’t making much of one to help.” Ranma blinked. “Oh look, he’s now in the open, being shot at, and screaming bloody murder.”
“Bloody murder! Bloody murder!” Were the shouts of the swordsman.
Shaking his head in exasperation, Ranma mumbled, “Idiot...”
Church face-palmed. “Damnit! I wish I didn’t let that idiot Caboose mess with my sniper rifle.”
Ranma looked at him surprised. “You had a GUN at some point?”
“Had is the key word...” Church groaned. “It was the only gun at our outpost, we had little ammo for it... And Caboose... First he broke the scope and... Tucker and I used up all the ammo shooting Cuckoos...”
“Let me get this straight,” Ranma started, “So you had a gun but let an idiot break the scope and then you waste the ammo shooting chickens!?” Ranma took it back, Church was an idiot!
“Hey!” Church shouted. “It got boring out in that desolate place...”
“Besides,” Church added after a moment. “Cuckoo eggs may suck ass, but they birds are pretty darn tasty when basted with and fried over a mayonnaise fire.”
Nodding his head, Ranma mumbled, “Delicious mayonnaise...”
“Best trade Tucker ever made with that guy from command... Too bad he traded our scrying crystal for it... Sure would’ve been nice if we could’ve saw the Reds coming sooner.”
Ranma nodded his head slowly. “How much mayonnaise did you get for it?”
“A dozen crates. Although the twelfth was missing two jars.” Church said.
“Still a good trade,” Ranma told him.
“That’s why I’m not wishing painful death on Tucker as we speak,” Church said. “It certainly made up for him trading our tank for those magic beans... Worthless beans...”
“You HAD a tank!?” Ranma screamed. “I mean... Holy shit! Tanks are the weapons of the ancient war! Mobile canon-fortresses! How the hell did you get one!?” The pigtailed monk blinked his eyes. “Scratch that. WHY THE HELL’D YOU TRADE IT!?”
“We didn’t, Tucker did, which is surprising since Caboose is at least ten IQ points dumber than he was. We were low on rations and I told Tucker to trade something for food with one of the nomadic tribes surrounding the boxed canyon. He took the tank... And came back with five fucking beans!” Although he was angry as always hen he thought about it, Church couldn’t help but grin. “Although, it was satisfying watching Caboose chase Tucker with his duel blade... Yes, that was fun...”
Ranma raised an eyebrow. “Was there something in the water around there that made everyone so fucking stupid?”
“Water?” Church questioned. “Before you saved me, none of us had had water for six months!”
“Six months!?” Ranma boggled. “What the hell did you drink!?”
“Soy sauce, ketchup... Chocolate Yoohoos... Marinade...” Church kept listing off things you normally don't use as a beverage. “And delicious freeon,” Church added. “But besides that, it was... You know, the usual...”
Ranma nodded, as if this explained A LOT!
“I gotta admit, that orange-skinned girl was right,” Church added. “Mustard DOES make a tasty drink.”
“Riiiight...” Ranma said slowly. “If you ask me, the best drink comes from a certain female anatomy...” He smiled lightly. “I just wish she’d get her ass over here and help us.
“Get your mind out of the gutter dumbass,” Church said to the monk that constantly broke the vow of celibacy. “And get in into thinking of ways to get out of this deathtrap.”
“Well, my plan to wait for them to run out of bullets is failing...” Ranma admitted slowly. “We need a good distraction if anything...”
“I know...” Church agreed. “Maybe we can signal Tenchi?”
“Nah,” Ranma said. “Too stupid to be of any help.”
“Bloody murder! Bloody murder!”
“See what I mean?” Ranma asked exasperated.
Church nodded his head. “Yeah, you’re right about that. But we need SOMETHING.”
“Ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha...”
Ranma blinked his eyes. “Did you hear that?”
Church gulped nervously. “Oh fuck no... How is he still ali-...OH, wait... He’s an Undead... Nevermind.”
Ranma and Church slowly looked over their shoulders. Yup! There stood Jason, standing tall and menacing, while looking down angrily at the two with his one good eye. He raised his machete high.
“How degrading...” Ranma groaned. “Killed while hiding like a pair of cowards in the ruins of an inn between a pet shop and a hair salon.”
At those words, Jason stopped.
“What the?” Church said, he thought for sure Jason would take the opportunity to kill them.
The Undead looked left at the pet shop, cute little yapping puppies in the window, and then to the right where the salon stood. He outright ignored the two he wanted to kill and started walking towards the hair-salon.
Ranma blinked his eyes. “What’s THAT about?”
“Okay...” Church said slowly. “While I’m certainly glad we’re not dead, that was SOOOO fucking weird...”
“Look! It’s still alive!”
“Shoot it!”
Ranma blinked his eyes as their wall stopped being under fire. “Fucking weird, but a perfect distraction!” Ranma shouted as he got to his feet. “PEOPLE! RUN FOR IT!!!”
“Don’t need to tell me twice!” Church got to his feet as well.
And so, the two cowards heroic wiseassesmen ran like a pair of scared Chocobos.
Their group followed suit and ran like the wind when they saw their two teammates running with their tails between their legs.
It was a perfect plan, especially with the Reds preoccupied with Jason, who was preoccupied with a pet shop and hair salon... Until they were destroyed by the Reds and Jason turned his ire toward them.
“Ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-haAAASSSSHOOOLLLESS!!!”
Yep, the town of ‘WeeBit’ would be wiped clear off the map before the day was through.
Read the comments on this episode
See other episodes by Red Priest of the 17th Order
(Posted Sat, 02 Apr 2005 15:43)
Questions? Problems? Suggestions?
Send a mail to addventure@bast-enterprises.de
or use the contact form.
らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
All other series and their characters are © by their respective creators or owners. No claims of ownership of these characters are implied by the authors of this Addventure, or should be inferred.
The Anime Addventure is a non-profit site.