"It’s Vorhees! I would’ve been done for if there wasn’t that pair of strategically placed lesbians having premarital sex while experimenting with pot in the forest outskirts!" Church said in frantic explanation.
Ranma blinked his eyes. "You're shitting me!"
I shit you not man! He's coming, machete all nice and bloody, waiting toc hop my head off!" Church exclaimed.
Pirotess smiled. "Off with his head!"
Ranma frowned at the Dark Elf. "Hey, we can't just give up Church!" Taking another sip of her coffee, Pirotess answered, "We can if it gets that ultimate undead off of our asses."
Silence reigned over the table for a moment.
"Off with his head! Off with his head! Off with his head!" Tenchi, Ranma, Britanny, and Lina cheered while Pirotess took another sip and finished off her cup of coffee.
Hey you need me! Who saved you all when those tentacle demons came after us?!"
"...You amazingly..." Lina allowed, recalling that fiasco.
The Paladin turned to Ranma, "Ranma who saved your ass when those Amazons tried to kill you when you beat their champion in your girl form?!" Church asked, pointing to his pal. "You did..." Ranma frowned. "Because you said you were my husband! They figured it was punishment enough."
"And you didn't have to kiss Ranma either, fucktard," Britanny hissed at him.
"Did you think I wanted too? It was that or my best bud got filleted!" Church argued. "If you interfered, they'd have impaled you with all those silver spears they had!" Church pointed out secondly of why it fell upon him to bail Ranma out of that jam.
Britanny frowned. That was true. Dammit, while Church was a total asshole he had come through and saved the group.
"You haven't helped me that much," Tenchi said. "To save the group form the tentacles you THREW ME at THEM!"
"Cuz they weren't interested in you! Remember you and I were the only guys because Ranma got splashed prior to entering their lair; so they ignored us and went for the girls. Besides you landed near the weak spot and you were able to stab them!" Church pointed out.
Tenchi blinked, that was true. Crap, once again Church had proved he did have some use besides being the resident asshole.
Pirotess's left ear twitched. "You heard that?"
Ranma blinked. "Hear what?"
Church stiffened.
"Wait!" Britanny said as both her ears raised. "I think I hear it..."
"Ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha..."
"Oh shit he's here!"
Ranma blinked his eyes. "Oh shit!"
And then the dead-bolted door to the inn that lead from the dining room to the outside was kicked OFF its hinges and went flying, crushing two men in the back flatter than a pair of bloody pancakes. And then he walked in, dressed in black with a whtie hockey mask, and rusty, yet still wickedly-sharp machete in hand.
"Ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha..."
"Oh fuck me..." Church whimpered.
Ranma nodded and put his map away. "Everyone, upstairs to get your things we're leaving!"
Jason slowly turned and noticed the group, his one good eye focusing on Church. "Ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha..."
"NOW!" Ranma added.
*KER-SCRAM!* Everyone bolted from the table as the mongoloid made his way toward them, his intent very obvious if the rusty, blood-soaked machete gave any indication.
Crushing through tables and chairs, Jason was moving towards them, his machete held high. "Ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha... Ch-ch-cha-CHUUUUUURRRRRRCCCCHHHH!!!!" The behemoth of a zombie brought his machete down hard on the table, breaking it in two.
"Dammit why oh WHY did Tucker and I think it was fun to roll him into the lake?!" Church groaned in misery.
"Beacause you're a cockbite!" Lina shouted as she was making a beeline up the stairs to get all her valuables, she didn’t put in her travel bags the night before.
"Ohshitohshitohshit, runningrunningrunning!" Tenchi chanted those mantras as he ran right after Lina.
Church mentally thanked God he had already packed his stuff this morning as a contingency incase of a scenario of anything goes bad shit occurs...and this was a prime example of that! So while Tenchi zipped into their shared room, he ran past it to the end of the hallway.
Britanny using her impressive speed had already made it to Ranma's room by the time the others got up the stairs and was just finishing putting her loot in a bag of holding, as well as multi-tasking by doing the same for Ranma’s loot to cut down on packing time.
"Got my stuff?" Ranma asked his werecheetah lover as Jason was pulling his machete OUT of the floor and making his way towards the stairs. Having taken up the rear, Ranma was still near the base of the stairs, making sure everyone else in the inn had already left so there wouldn’t be any addition unnecessary deaths.
"Yep!" She leaves the room and tosses the bag down to stairs so Ranma could catch it. The entire group had bags of holding to carry their monetary loot.
"ThaAANKS!!!!" Ranma shouted as he had to jumped up a few steps to avoid being cleaved by Jason.
Having his Machete stuck in the steps, Jason didn’t bother to pull it out. Instead, he shook the staircase, instead on bringing it down!
"CRAP!" Ranma shouted as he finished ascending the stairs, “Everyone outta the building NOW!”
Church held up his armored elbow and used it to smash one of the windows of the top floor open. “C’mon we’ll jump out to safety from here!”
Tenchi gulped. "I don't like jumping out through holes of jagged death..."
And then the whole floor started to shake, as if it were going to cave in.
"But in this case... I'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION!!!" Tenchi shrieked as he ran for the window and jumped through.
*THUD*!
"Owww..." Tenchi whined and looked up at the window. "Church! There's nothing soft to land on out here!"
"Oops I forgot it’s the window over here with the straw pile..." Church chuckled not at all sheepishly, as he walked over and busted the glass of the right window out, and then jumping out of it onto said pile of straw.
Ranma made his way to the window as did the others. He grabbed Britanny, taking time to goose her chest, and then threw her out the window first.
Of course she landed on Church.
"OOF! GET OFFA ME!" He yelped, even with his armor when 300+ pounds of werecat was lying atop of you, he could feel the squashing.
Ranma then grabbed Lina, and made sure to feel up her petite and perky pair before he threw her out the window. She too, landed on Church, just as Britanny had gotten off him.
"WATCH THE HANDS!" She yells just as she lands on Church
"URGH!" Church yelled as he fell back down again with the petite sorceress’s weight pushing him back down.
Not wasting time, Ranma then grabbed Pirotess. Again, he made sure to cope a feel of her breasts and threw her out the window. As the formula went, just as Lina had gotten off the Paladin, the Dark Elf crashed atop him.
Except Pirotess had tossed a fireball that HIT Ranma as she fell. His cries of pain brought some satisfaction to Lina and Pirotess alike as they did NOT go for the groping as he chucked them out the window.
"NO TOUCHING MY BODY ASSHOLE!" She yelled in fury as she got off of Church. After a grumble he rolled away to get up so Ranma wouldn't use him as a landing pad, oh no he’d not give the monk that satisfaction.
Coughing and slightly charred as the fireball was a light one meant to sting more than burn one to death. Ranma grumbled. “I was going with ladies first!”
”That doesn’t mean you can grope us bastard!” Lina and Pirotess yelled from the ground.
Just then the building began to crumble, with Ranma still in it, because Pirotess's fireball had distracted him from going out the window. "CRAAAAAAAAAP!!!"
A lasso rope flew in the window, and around his neck, and with a tug, he was pulled out of the window JUST as the building caved in. Church watched Ranma hit the straw as he was the one holding the rope. "And they said I sucked at rope in academy."
Ranma gagged a bit, grabbing at his throat. "Hu-who?"
Church walked over and helped him up while taking the rope that had tightened into a noose off of his neck. "You alright bud?"
"I am." Ranma looked up at his savior. "And you do suck at rope. If you had done this right, you wouldn’t have made a noose tight enough to choke me or break my neck."
“Oh bite me you baby.” Church retorted to Ranma’s ungratefulness.
Walking over to the rest of his group in the haystack, Tenchi said, "Well, there's one good thing about all this..."
"What's that?" Lina looked at him. "The obvious that Jason's buried under a ton of wood and stone, or perhaps maybe that we got out alive by the skin of our teeth again?”
The swordsman wiped a few of the glass shards off his outfit. "That, and that we didn't pay for the rooms or our meal since the place is kaput and the owner got trampled by Jason."
Ranma grinned at that. "Hey, the dipwad's got a point!"
Pirotess smiled. "Anyone feel like running while the getting's good?"
Church brightened inside his helmet...that meant...YES! He didn't have to loose his loot!
Church looked up to the heavens and for the first time in three years said, "Thank you, God!"
*KER-CRASH*
"Ch-ch-cha-cha-CHUUUUUUUURCH!"
"Ah sonnuva bitch!” Britanny groaned as she face-palmed. Didn’t that mongoloid know when to STAY down?
Seeing Vorhees back on his feet, Church looked up to the sky and said, "Aw, thanks for nothing God! I take it all back you suck!”
Ranma frowned. "Damn it! This can't possibly get worst!" "Shh!!" Said more than one person, every time someone said that things did get worse! Pirotess blinked, her ears twitching. "Hey guys...you hear...music?"
Everyone strained their ears; yep it was music…very bad polka music.
Church stiffened he’d heard this music before. "Oh noooooooooooo not now..!"
Out of nowhere, a metal jeep flew over a hill near the outskirts of town. Five individuals wearing armored designed like Church’s were ridding in it. A loud chorus of “YEEHAW!” echoed as the machine landed and kept driving into town. Oh did I also mention the jeep had a mounted gattling gun?
"CHARGE!" Yelled the man in pure red armor who was ridding shotgun...it was SARGE and his infamous Red Raiders!
"RUN! JESUS, RUN!!!" Church shouted as he turned tail and ran! He knew what the Reds and their Warthog could do and he didn’t plan on sticking around!
Manning the mounted gattling gun on the Warthog, Simmons the man in maroon armor took aim. "SUCK IT!" He shouted as he let rip, A hail of three six thousand bullets per minute firing from the weapon at the group and anybody else left on the streets.
Screaming the group of heroes scrambled out of the way as the bullets went flying towards them; especially when the raider in orange Grif held his rocket launcher at the ready.
”Yeah sneak attack!” He cried out before depressing the firing trigger, a small SAM missile exiting the tube of the weapon and firing toward a target.
Still disorientated from being buried under tons of rubble all Jason could do was tilt his head and looked at the pretty metal tube flying towards him in confusion.
*BA-BA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!*
The one in pink-er light-red armor took out a grenade, pulled the safety pin trigger and let fly. "SUCK IT!"
"Donut you copycat! Stop stealing my material" Simmons exclaimed in annoyance.
A smoking, Jason stood unsteadily as the grenade attached to his head. He lightly scratched the side of his head, wondering if he had a spider on his face or something.
*KER-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*!
"SON OF A BITCH!" Many exclaimed
When the smoke cleared, Jason lay on the ground, trembling a bit. ""Ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha... I'm scared, Dave... Will I dream? Daisy... Daaaiiissiiieeee..."
"JASON! NOOOOOOO!!!" Tenchi screamed.
*WHAP*!
"Ow!" Tenchi whined, rubbing the back of his head where Church hit him.
"You moron, we WANT him dead!"
*Pow*! *Pow*!
Both Tenchi and Church cried out in shock as their weapons were shot out of their hands.
"Nice shooting, Cupcake!" Sarge said from his seat, cocking his shotgun.
"Thanks Sarge!" Donut said, putting a fresh clip into his sniper rifle.
The Warthog had stopped in the center of the town; Simmons was still manning the gattling gun, his fingers on the triggers to let the lead fly. Donut sat to his left, with his sniper rifle, and Grif on the right side of Simmons hunching down, loading another rocket into his launcher.
"They have GUNS?" Britanny exclaimed, hands in the air as Sarge at her in range of his shotgun.
"How did you think these dipshits took out the heavily defended base outpost I used to work at?" Church said with heavy sarcasm.
"What's this?" Sarge asked as he noticed the speaker. "Well, well, ladies, it looks like we have one of those blue devil paladins here. You know what to do!"
"Take him out and then take over the town?" Simmons asked seriously.
"Good man, Simmons!" Sarge said to his kiss-ass right hand.
“Of course the kiss-ass would know what Sarge would want us to do, and get the praise for it.” Grif muttered in a bitter tone.
”Can it dirt bag, we’ve got us a paladin to waste and a town to take over.” Sarge chuckled in a serious yet eccentrically evil tone.
"Oh, oh let me take the blue one out Sarge!' Donut waved his hand.
["Back off, this asshole is mine!"] Lopez yelled in Spanish, Church has cut off his arm at their last meeting...he wanted vengeance!
In response, the Warthog revved up.
"Oh fuck meeeeeeeeee." Church moaned. If he ran, they'd shot him..if he stayed...he was road kill.
"Uh, Church, you better get running," Tenchi said as he started backing away. "Aw, crap..." Church muttered. Well, if he was going down, he wasn't going alone!
"HEY!" Ranma shouted. "Don't run towards me!"
"THEN START RUNNING FUCKTARD!" Church grabbed his arm, dragging him with him
With the loud screeching of rubber, Lopez hit the gas and drove right for them. Simmons took his cue to let the lead fly with the gattling gun, while Donut, Grif and Sarge let loose with their respective weapons.
"Hey!" Ranma shouted over gunfire. "I don't think it can drive into the ruins of the inn! We can get cover there!"
"That thing's an all terrain vehicle, but it’s worth a shot!" Church yelled in agreement as he ran for what was left of the inn.
Ranma ran with Church as they dove for cover behind a large jagged piece of stone wall still standing.
["Your bodies will decorate my tires cockbites."] Lopez said in his monotone Spanish that had a hint of sadistic glee.
"GAVV FLARE!"
"LOPEZ!!" Sarge shouted.
Heeding his creators cry; Lopez swerved to dodge the magic attack, hitting the brakes to bring the vehicle to a halt.
"Donut! Grif! Take care of the interlopers! Simmons! Keep firing at the two chickens hiding in the rubble! Lopez, keep us moving so we’re not an easy target.” Sarge said as he barked orders.
As the battle raged on, all Ranma and Church could do was huddle behind the remains of one of the inn’s stone walls as they were shot at. "Well, we'll just wait here. That thing has gotta run out of bullet's sometime." Ranma said.
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(Posted Sat, 02 Apr 2005 03:45)
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