[Episode 137406] [Episode 137406]Ranma wasn’t nearly as talented a bookie as Nabiki was, but he knew that odds that he was going to land in some water conveniently located near one of his rivals were pretty good.
Yet upon landing, it was obvious that something was wrong. Ranma had indeed landed in a large amount of water and a boy in a yellow bandanna (obviously Ryoga) was already moving towards the pigtailed martial artist—
“For cryin’ out loud! Don’t tell me yer gonna spend a whole paragraph avoiding pronouns that would let people figure out what my gender is! That’s pretty much a dead giveaway that I’m still male,” shouted Ranma as he crawled out of the hot spring where he’d landed.
Ranma was obviously not aware that the vast majority of his fans were more than capable of willing suspension of disbelief, as it was highly unlikely that any of them knew someone who was really was cursed to change genders when splashed with cold and hot water.
“Yeah, well, the Fourth Wall’s down, and I ain’t buyin’ it.”
Hmph. Well, then why don’t you tell me what my plans for this episode are, Smartypants?
“Hah. That’s easy, there’s only one reason I’d still be male…” Ranma suddenly fell silent and then let out a resigned groan as he realized what the author planned to do. He really had to learn not to mess with omnipotent beings.
“Shut up.”
“Who the hell are you talking to, Saotome?” asked a perplexed Ryoga.
“The author.”
This did not clear up Ryoga’s confusion. “I though Takahashi-sama was still working on Inu Yasha.”
“She is.”
“Oh. Well, I guess it’s nice of her to take a break and come visit—”
“This ain’t Takahashi-sama, ya dolt! It’s a fanfiction author. Or didn’t ya notice that we haven’t been drawn?”
“Oh, ” replied Ryoga, who was finally starting to grasp the current situation. “We’re doing a fic today?” Ranma nodded in response and silently pointed towards the readers. “Crap!” Ryoga started digging into his backpack. “Hang on—I don’t remember getting a script, but I keep all of them in here somewhere.”
Ranma just shook his head. Apparently, Ryoga wasn’t putting things together as fast as he was. “Relax, Ryoga. This thread broke the fourth wall a long time ago.”
“It did?”
“That’s what I just said.”
“So, no script?”
“Nope.”
“All right! Improv! I can do that, I think. Well, I’ve only seen a few episodes of Whose Line Is It Anyway?, but I’m sure it can’t be that hard.”
“Ryoga….”
“What? Why the long face? The Fourth Wall’s down, which means I get my sense of direction back, which means I can finally go home for a while.”
Ranma sighed. “Ryoga, this is a lemon thread.”
“So we get some action. That’s hardly a reason to mope around.”
“A poorly written lemon thread.”
“So we get action with relatively few long-term consequences.”
“Well, ya got a point there. But still, this is a lemon thread. And the two of us are alone in the middle of a forest.”
“Are you telling me you’ve suddenly got a problem with me boinking your girlform?”
“No, of course not. But right now, we are right next ta a hot spring, which means that we have a limitless supply of hot water.”
“So? We almost never have access to this much hot water, except when…” Ryoga was confused for a few seconds, and then he suddenly figured out what Ranma had been hinting at. “Aw, crap! Are you telling me we’re doing a yaoi scene?”
“Why else would the two of us be spendin’ so much time at an isolated hot spring?”
“Aw man! Well, I call seme.”
“Yer not gonna be the seme.”
“But why do I always have to be the uke?”
“Because I got the more forceful personality, that’s why. Besides, considerin’ the way I get treated normally, the fans want ta see me takin’ charge of somethin’, even if it is a relationship that makes absolutely no sense.”
“But I don’t fit into the uke profile!”
“Since when does a yaoi fan let that kinda thing get in their way?”
Ryoga slumped as he realized that he had to concede the point. “Crap.”
Ranma did his best to cheer his friend up. “Hey, come on, it might not be that bad. For all we know, it’ll just be a coupla hours of gratuitous gay sex. And really, ya can pretty much stomach anythin’ as long as it’s written half-decent. Heck, it might not even be on screen.” Hey, I said he did his best. I didn’t say he succeeded.
“I just don’t see how you can be so relaxed about this!”
“Hey, it ain’t like I wanna do it, but ya know perfectly well that fanfiction authors can make our lives hell when we don’t do what they want. ’Specially when the Fourth Wall’s down. Besides, we’ve done this before.”
“But we’re straight! I just don’t see how you can be so goddamn calm about the prospect of ‘a coupla hours of gay sex’!”
“Eh, I think it comes from havin’ so much sex with men in my girlform. It’s kinda desensitized me, I guess. Besides, ya can kinda imagine yer doin’ it with a girl mosta the time.”
This didn’t exactly make Ryoga feel any batter, who was more concerned about the times when you couldn’t pretend your partner was female. He glared silently at his rival and immanent sex partner, who had already dispatched with his tang.
“Look, the sooner we get started, the sooner it’ll be over.”
Ryoga sighed. “Oh, all right. But you’d better not say anything about how you ‘can’t quit me’ when we’re done.” The Lost Boy then started unbuttoning his shirt while the options came up.
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(Posted Wed, 26 Apr 2006 06:18)
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