As the Mooninite vessel approached the Earth, Err started getting noticeably antsy. "Dude, are you sure about this? It's not like New Jersey is any more interesting than the Moon."
Ignignokt glanced over at his companion and replied, "On that account, you would be correct, Err, but we will not be going to New Jersey."
"What? I thought we were gonna mess with Meatwad!"
"That we are, my friend. But Meatwad is not currently *in* New Jersey."
"He isn't?"
"No. He is currently in Japan, which is where we are going."
"How do you know that?"
"Because we have been tracking his movements, as there is nothing else to do on the moon, of course."
"You mean the writer couldn't come up with any decent jokes about us meeting Nabiki," the hot pink Mooninite muttered under his breath.
"Err, do not mess with the fourth wall. While our superior intellects are capable of withstanding such metaphysical acrobatics, it may cause the Earthlings' primitive minds to snap, rendering them nothing more drooling masses of stupid."
"And how's that different from normal?"
"They would not be nearly as entertaining. Now are you going to keep asking pointless questions, or are we going to go to Japan?"
"Uh, no, guess not."
“Shake? Shake!” Frylock floated through his house, looking for his roommate. “Where could he be? Shake!” Eventually he headed outside to Carl’s backyard, where he found Nabiki sunning herself on a collapsible beach chair.
“Hey, Nabiki. What’s going on?”
“Nothing much. I’m just putting the cap on an eventful day by sunning myself on Carl’s chaise lounge, though I had to disinfect it for about ten minutes first—by which I mean that my Master graciously agreed to disinfect it for me.”
Frylock somehow managed to resist rolling his eyes by going off on a tangent. “Actually, it’s chaise longue, from the French.”
“Normally, I’d agree with that line of reasoning, but Master Shake insists that I refer to it as a ‘lounge’, and I’m not about to contradict my Master.”
“Uh, right. Speaking of which, where is your, um, ‘Master’, anyway?”
“Why, he’s getting me some furniture, so that the two of us do not have to have hot, sweaty monkey sex on a dirt floor.”
“Actually, I’m pretty sure there’s an actual wooden floor underneath all of that dirt.”
“You know, I actually suggested that to my Master, but he refused to vacuum the floor. He said it was ‘woman’s work.’ Unfortunately, I can’t be expected to do ‘woman’s work’ and still be able to give an optimal performance each night, if you know what I mean.”
“I guess so.” Frylock changed the subject to something that had been bothering him. Nabiki, I’m still confused; are you seriously going to be Shake’s sex slave?”
“If Shake manages to meet all the requirements that a traditional Japanese sex slave requires, then yes, I will.”
“Uh-huh. And exactly what are the traditional requirements for a Japanese sex slave.”
“Oh, I can’t really go into all of that right now—it’s a very rich tradition, and like most rich traditions, it’s a bit complex at times.”
“You’re just making it up as you go along, aren’t you?”
“Hey, I don’t question my Master on American traditions, and he doesn’t question me about Japanese ones.”
“Right.” Frylock was finally starting to see what Nabiki was up to, and though he normally would have tried to stop people from taking advantage of Shake’s gullibility, that was because Shake’s gullibility usually ended up making his life more miserable. Somehow, he didn’t think Nabiki would go that far—though he still planned to keep an eye on her, just in case. “So how exactly is Shake getting your furniture?” Nabiki simply pointed to the interior of Carl’s home.
That was all the information Frylock needed to figure out what was going on. “I should have guessed.”
“Shake, what are you doing?”
“I am trying to push Carl’s bed through this door.”
“I can see that. But why are you trying to push Carl’s bed through the door?”
“Because clearly, it won’t fit through the window.”
Frylock looked at the window in Carl’s bedroom. The glass had been shattered and the frame was a mess; it was obvious that Shake really had tried to fit a double bed through it.
The milkshake continued speaking. “Look, I’m glad you’re here. Getting Carl’s bed to Nabiki’s room is clearly going to be a two-person job, and Nabiki can’t be subjected to the strain of physical labor. So, how about you get on that end, while I… um, I’ll stand over here and supervise you.”
“Shake, you can’t steal Carl’s bed.”
“Why not? He isn’t using it!”
“But he will be using it when he goes to sleep tonight.”
“He can just sleep on his recliner! It’s better than this stupid thing, anyway. I mean seriously, that thing has buttons on it that will massage every part of your body every way you can think of—heat massages, in fact. And it’s go a universal remote built right into the armrest, and… uh… you know, now that I think of it, I don’t need to steal Carl’s bed.”
“You aren’t stealing his recliner either.”
“What the hell is your problem?! I just… I just don’t get you. I keep trying to think creatively… you know, outside the box? But you just keep shooting down every single one of my brilliant and innovative ideas… and I think I know why.”
“Because your ‘brilliant and innovative ideas’ tend to be stupid, illegal, or both?”
“It’s because you are jealous.”
“What?!”
“It’s true. You are so used to being the brainiac that you can’t stand the thought that I might come up with a solution that you would never consider.”
“Shake, stealing is against the law.”
“Frylock, one of these days you’ll learn that creative thinking sometimes means looking beyond meaningless rules.”
“Meaningless, huh? So then you wouldn’t have a problem if someone stole your TV?”
“What! Someone stole my TV?! I’ll kill that bastard!”
“No, Shake, no one’s stolen the TV.”
Shake breathed a sigh of relief. “Whew…. Don’t scare me like that! Why did you do that?”
“To prove that the law against stealing isn’t meaningless.”
“How does it prove anything?”
“Well, if it’s wrong to steal your TV, than your ”
Shake’s voice took on a condescending tone. “Silly, silly Frylock. Obviously, stealing my TV is wrong, because it’s my TV.”
“And this is Carl’s furniture.”
“Right, which means that it’s not my furniture, so there no reason I should get teary-eyed about it if it goes missing.”
“Shake, why can’t you just get a job like normal people do?”
“There you go again with your conventional, inside-the-box solutions!”
Frylock sighed again “C’mon, Shake, Nabiki needs furniture for her room, so you have to start earning some money.”
“Oh yeah? How am I supposed to earn enough money to go out and buy her furniture tonight?”
“Look, I’m pretty sure we can find a cot somewhere until you can get her some decent furniture.”
“A-hem, how exactly would I pay for it?”
“You could pawn your television.”
“Frylock, I was being serious.”
“So was I.”
“Frylock, I gain possessions. I do not give them away for any reason. That’s why I have to destroy things when I don’t like them anymore to make sure that no one else can use them.”
“Shake, if you want to do anything in any society, you’re going to have to accept some of its rules….”
“Fine! I’ll pawn the TV if it’ll get you to shut up!”
As Shake stormed off, Frylock muttered to himself, “I don’t see what his problem is. The TV was mine to begin with.”
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(Posted Wed, 19 Apr 2006 01:20)
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