Upon arriving at the establishment that Setsuna had suggested for her husband’s errand, Chibi-Usa had only one comment.
“Crazy Ichiro’s Amazing Emporium of Total Bargain Madness!!™?”
“Yeah, that was my reaction when I first heard about this place, too.”
“And what exactly qualifies this place as an ‘Emporium of Total Bargain Madness’?”
“Basically, there’s a whole buncha crap that’s been marked down to the point where it’s ‘insane’… at least, that’s what the TV commercials say. I ain’t actually been in there myself—don’t matter how crazy Ichiro is; Pops was always way too cheap ta pay for anythin’ he couldn’t bum offa someone else.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
“Cuz ya’ve known Pops for more than five minutes. So, are we just gonna keep talkin’ out here in the street, or are we gonna start shoppin’?”
When one lives in a structure as grand as the Royal Palace in Crystal Tokyo, it’s rare to find a place that is capable of filling one with awe. It wasn’t that Chibi-Usa lacked an ability to appreciate architecture, but quite simply, living in an impressive building made it difficult for other structures to noticeably impress her. The only two that had (partially) succeeded in doing so were the Roman Coliseum (which she had visited while it was still in use as part of her education in history), and the Mercury Institute for Magical-Technological Research, a surprisingly large subterranean laboratory located beneath the crust of the solar system’s smallest planet which had to be seen to be believed (but could not be seen at all without an exhaustive background check and verbal consent from Queen Serenity).
Thus, it was with a great deal of surprise that the Crown Princess of Crystal Tokyo found herself adding a simple warehouse for a bargain outlet to that list. Unlike the other structures that had managed to stick out in her memory to date, Crazy Ichiro’s Amazing Emporium of Total Bargain Madness!!™ wasn’t architecturally grand at all—as far as visual appeal, there was none to be found, either on the outside or the inside of the rather drab-looking structure. No, what impressed Chibi-Usa was the labyrinthine layout of the rows and aisles of discounted merchandise, which seemed to be designed to get the customer lost amid the wares (which made it more likely that said customer would stumble upon a potential impulse buy). On top of that, there seemed to be an aesthetically chaotic quality to the building’s organization that filled her with a sense of… well, actually she wasn’t sure what it was—it was like a huge piece of interactive abstract art, and a strangely compelling one at that.
Ranma-chan wasn’t nearly so appreciative. “How the heck are ya s’posed ta find anything in this place?”
“Can I help you?”
“Gah!” Ranma was a bit startled… she was certain that the woman wasn’t there a few seconds ago. She was dressed in the standard uniform for Crazy Ichiro’s employees, and had a smile that made Ranma think of Kasumi on Botox: friendly, yet still oddly discomforting.
Ranma soon regained her composure and took a rumpled piece of paper out of her pocket. “Um, yeah. I’m lookin’ for something’ called ‘ah leu cha.’” Ranma had committed that part to memory. Unfortunately, the piece of paper where Setsuna had actually described what ‘ah leu cha’ was was completely illegible, due to the soakings that had occurred earlier that morning. “I’m, uh, not sure what it actually is, but my w— uh, my friend said you guys’d probably have it.”
“Well, I don’t know if we have any products specifically from Alaska.”
“Huh?”
“She’s not looking for something from the Aleutian Islands,” Chibi-Usa helpfully clarified. “She’s looking for something called ‘ah leu cha.’”
“You mean that group Ricky Martin was in?”
“No, that was Menudo.”
“Oh, right. Well, we don’t sell military-grade weapons here—”
“That’s a bazooka.”
“Oh, sorry. Well, maybe you’d be interested in a Big Mouth Geddy Bass™. When its motion sensors are activated, it sings bluegrass versions of 3 different Rush songs!”
Now Ranma and Chibi-Usa were thoroughly confused. “Um, what does that have ta do with anythin’?”
“Nothing, really. It’s just company policy to try and distract customers who want products that we don’t carry. And it works really well, too, as long as we don’t actually let people know that’s what we’re doing… um… you don’t suppose you two could forget what I just said?”
Ranma didn’t really care about the store policy—Setsuna had told her to get some ah leu cha at Crazy Ichiro’s and dammit, she was going to get it from Crazy Ichiro’s. “Look, I’m certain this stuff exists. My wi—uh, friend needs this so she can make dinner tonight, and she was certain ya’d have it, an’ she’s usually right about this sorta thing.”
“Wait… is this for a recipe?”
“Uh, yeah….”
The employee gave a broad, reassuring smile. “Well, why didn’t you say so earlier?”
“You know what it is?” Chibi-Usa asked hopefully.
“Nope!” the woman said cheerfully. “But you might try browsing the food section. Maybe something will jog your memory.”
“I can’t believe they have an entire aisle for artichokes,” Chibi-Usa said in a tone that was a mix of weariness and amazement. They had been searching the food section of Crazy Ichiro’s for nearly two hours, and they still had no clue what “ah leu cha” was.
“I can’t believe that there’s enough demand for artichokes ta warrant an entire aisle,” Ranma replied. The pigtailed girl sighed. “This is hopeless… there’s so much stuff here that I’ll never find it without some sorta clue as ta what it is, and I ain’t sure how ta get in touch with Setsuna ta find out.”
“It’s okay, Ranma. I’m sure she’ll understand.”
“Yeah, but….” Ranma trailed off; clearly, she was disappointed that she wouldn’t be able to do something that she had promised to do. “I just wish I knew someone who might be able to help.”
Chibi-Usa scrunched up her forehead at this—an idea was clearly germinating in her brain. “Maybe there is someone….”
“What? Who?”
“Well, I was thinking that maybe your mother knows about it.”
“You think she’d know what this stuff is?”
“Well, I don’t have any reason to think she would, but then, I can’t think of a reason she wouldn’t, either. I mean, you’re going there anyway, right? So it’s worth a shot.”
“I guess so.”
“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go see your mom!”
This prospect brightened Ranma’s mood considerably. “Yeah… yeah! Let’s do that. This doesn’t have ta be done right this minute, anyway.”
“Right,” agreed her pink-haired companion.
“Thank you for shopping at Crazy Ichiro’s Amazing Emporium of Total Bargain Madness!!™ Come again soon!” chirped the way-too-damn-cheery employee as the pair exited the warehouse.
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(Posted Fri, 23 Jun 2006 05:41)
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