Chuckling as he looked around at the group of people, Damien continued, “Now, the lucky recipient of this windfall of magic is Kasumi Tendo.”
“KASUMI!?” Was the general chorus of screams from around the Tendo home.
At the looks he was getting, Damien asked, “What?” With the people continuing to stare at him, he explained, “Don’t you all look at me like that. She helps all this chaos continue. And when good people do nothing, that is evil enough.”
Glaring at the man in black, Ranma shouted, “That sounds like a load of crap!”
“Hey I don’t make the rules... well not that often.” Damien admitted with shrug. “For this however, I’m just following protocol.” So saying, he then pulled out a rolled up paper slip. Unraveling it, the lawyer read, “Kasumi Tendo is guilty for standing by when several and I’m counting in the thousands of opportunities to derail or assist in the lessening of the chaos factor in Nerima, has made her more than eligible for the wishes.” The lawyer flashed them another grin. “One good example is instead of telling her violent sister to curb it she just makes a nonchalant remark. Instead of reprimanding her father for being useless, she lets him act like a sissy and child, etcetera, etcetera, among other things.”
“But... but...” Kasumi tried, shaking as this was being thrown in her face; not often one were told that hell owed them for being such a plague upon the human race.
Grinning, the lawyer was quick to tell her, “Don’t be modest Kasumi! YOU are the authority; the Matriarch of the Tendo Household. While Akane and Nabiki might scream or laugh at the father’s demands-”
“HEY!” Soun cried out indignantly.
“-you are obeyed without question,” he continued as if Soun hadn’t interrupted him. “I mean, you’re the one that is acting for the good of the household.”
Tears shimmering in the corners of her eyes, Kasumi was trembling as she took a step back from the man in the Giorgio Armani three-piece suit. “There... there has to be some...”
“Oh, no mistake, Tendo-san,” Damien told her pointedly. “With your incapability to see or interact with the truth of the way things have gone, it is you that has implicitly permitted many of the things the others do, from the quarrels, to the laziness, and even the rather destructive tendencies... which you could stopped with only a word. After all you’re Kasumi, gentle, loving, easy going Kasumi. Not even Happosai, the Amazons or the delusional Kunos can cross you. Aside from perhaps one or two fiends that have come across the area, your ability to quell all the insanity is above all and bar none.”
A dark grin crossed the man’s features, making his goatee look pointed. “Yet it’s been stagnating as you just go about doing your thing. You believed that you’re the big sister so you’re too old to mostly associate or partake of matters with your sisters friends. You feel you should respect your elders so you don’t do much when Happosai or Cologne get out of hand. By where I work! You could’ve saved this chump!” He shouted as he pointed to Ranma for emphasis.
“HEY!” Ranma shouted, feeling rather insulted by what the lawyer was implying. Although he was rather curious as to how Kasumi could save him. Marauding princess kidnapping him instead, perhaps?
Staring at Kasumi, he told her outright, “You could’ve saved him so much grief by simply agreeing to the crap-marriage alone. I mean three years younger... wow, what a biiiiig gap,” he told her sarcastically. “I mean, you know Akane hates men and Nabiki’s a manipulative bitch! You could’ve shielded the boy and then gotten your father to annul it later if it didn’t work out; he’d do anything for you. But no, you shove the boy-hating youngest on him!”
“HEY!” Akane shouted, her mallet shimmering into existence in her hand. How day he call her a boy-hater!? She...
Oh... wait. She did hate boys. But the way he said it... yet she could agree.
Ignoring as the tomboy had an internal dilemma, the lawyer tried to figure out, “What else, what else...” eyes widening in realization, Damien snapped his fingers. “Ah, yes! As the one who does most of the house work, you should be able to boss your lazy butt father into doing his share or tell Happosai to get lost when his antics threaten your existence in the neighborhood. I mean if someone finds out you are harboring the panty thief...” he grinned. “Woohoo! There would be a lot of hate going around. Seriously, you could have turned him over to the cops or even the JSDF, or... hell! Call one of the paranormal agencies! They’d gladly take him off your hands.”
Trying to break this up, Soun sputtered, “But... he’s the master... we can’t just...”
“All he does is ruin your lives and you let him hang around,” the Lawyer simply stated the facts. “I’d have incinerated him the second he got in the door!”
Hearing that, the pigtailed man titled his head in thought. “Can you do that?” He asked curiously.
“Ranma!” Akane shouted. Even if it was a nice thought, you don’t go egging on a devil, or worse, LAWYERS!
“What?” Ranma asked of Akane. “It’s a legit question! Don’t tell me you’re defending the freak now!”
Grinning, Damien turned to look at Ranma. “We can make a deal about that later, but for now...” he turned back to the eldest Tendo daughter and held up a black ebonwood clipboard, (made with fire newt talons for the clip) and the pair of receipts being held. “If you sign here Miss Tendo, I’ll be glad to be on my way and leave you be.”
Flinching back from the board, the eldest of the Tendo daughters was looking rather pale. “But...” Kasumi was looking for some way to get out of this. “But I don’t want to go to hell!” She looked as though she was about to cry.
“Oh right now you’re not ready for that,” the lawyer of the Infernal Revenue Service assured her. “This is just a soul refund. Just keep it up and then we’ll talk about the train-ride to Hades.” He smirked. “You have to watch out though, the perverts on it are worse than the Shinjuku rail!” At the look on her face, he tried another tactic. “Look at it this way, you could WISH... well can’t wish to not to go to Hell but you can wish what is making it so easy for you to end up there eventually go away.”
Falling to her knees, Kasumi brought her hands to her face as she started sobbing. This was horrible! She thought she was doing such good and now she found out she was destined for hell!
Wincing at the sight of the woman on her knees, Damien tilted his head to the side. No, he didn’t feel sympathy. It’s just that the way she was acting was completely unnecessary. “Look...” he started. “I told you earlier, Heaven can’t hold any of the previous screw up against you because you were doing it with pure intentions. It’s just now that you know better, should you continue it, they WILL be mighty pissed with you.” Eyes narrowing, he told her, “Believe me, for all their mindless spouting of love and happiness, they can hold a grudge with the best of us downstairs...”
Looking around for help, (and seeing no one was jumping to her aid) the matriarch of the Tendo home gulped nervously as she looked at the pair of receipts as if they were poison. “But I... this is...”
He waved his free hand in a calming motion. “Listen, Miss Tendo. Even if you accept these wishes...and please do or it’s my ass.” He added quickly. “They won’t be held against you either unless you make the wishes pretty bad ones, such as without thought, on a whim or outright sinful.” He tilted his head. “Anyway I can tell you that you’re still neutral territory in the going to hell or, (gag me) heaven scenario. You’re young and still have plenty of life. These are the years to party long and hard and then spend the rest of your life repenting... which works well for us! So stop the tears and sign please!” He practically shoved the clipboard in front of her.
Lowering her hands from her red, puffy eyes Kasumi sniffled as she looked up at the goateed individual holding out the paperwork for her to sign. “Are... are you serious? I’m... I’m not automatically going to hell?” She wanted to sound relieved but this was all just too much for one person to take it.
Looking at the lawyer warily, the youngest Tendo tried to offer some assistance to her eldest sister. “K-Kasumi?” She spoke up, trying to keep the nervousness out of her voice. “Maybe you should just sign... you aren’t going to hell.” Akane tried to reason, tried to console her sister. Yet the older woman pulled away in shame when Akane tried to move closer.
Crossing her arms over her chest, the middle Tendo sibling glared at the man in the Giorgio Armani three-piece. “You’re not bullshitting my sister, are you? She’s really not going to hell?” She wanted an honest answer, even if she didn’t expect to get one. He was a demon, after all and a lawyer atop of that!
Shaking his head, the lawyer told her, “Miss Nabiki Tendo, it’s like I said. I’m just here for the wishes, no condemning or anything along those lines... yet.” Damien grinned deviously as he returned gazes with the most mercenary of the Tendo girls. “If any of the girls should be worried about heading towards my office door in the future, it’s currently you.”
That made Nabiki recoil as if she’d been physically hit. Taking a deep breath to keep from freaking out, the woman tried to contest that. “Wait! That can’t be-”
“You remember Kariko Mitsume from your Freshman year at Furinkan High?” He asked curiously. “She committed suicide because you were going to expose her pregnancy because she didn’t have the money for blackmail; money you wanted to buy yourself that dress you saw earlier that week at the mall.” He chuckled darkly. “If that's not as devious and evil as it gets...” he left the statement hanging.
Now Nabiki looked like she’d been punched in the gut and that was a feat, considering the Ice Queen of Furinkan barely let anything get to her. She wasn’t the one who slit the girl’s wrists or at least that’s what she told herself over the past couple of years. But if what the lawyer was saying was true, if heaven and hell did work with such views...
Stepping forward, Soun once again had gathered enough courage to try and make a stand against the lawyer from down below. “See here now! You better stop intimidating my daugh-”
“Oh don't get me started on your sorry ass, old man!” Damien shouted, rather annoyed with the old fart’s hypocrisy. “You’re a sloven, ignorant oaf! You’ve been neglecting your children for nearly ten years and act like the Big G hates you.” The lawyer grinned as he added, “And at this point, he probably does.”\
That did it for Soun. Dropping to his knees, the old man wailed like a lost soul. “WAAAAAAAHHHH! I’M GOING TO BURN!”
“Damn straight,” Damien agreed. “Although, and I know I shouldn’t be giving you this information... if you grow a spine and start being the man of the house and looking after your girls from here on out you...” he took a moment to think. “You just might be able to gather up enough good karma so you’d only burn in the light of purgatory for a century or two as your sins are purged from your soul.”
Wincing, Genma hesitantly asked the lawyer, “Er... what about me?” He was also curious as to his state of well being in the afterlife. If Soun was currently set to end up in hell then what about him!?
Smiling... a very calm and oddly pleasant smile, Damien told the Saotome patriarch to, “Live it up my good man! There isn’t hope of salvation for your sorry ass, so you might as well go the whole nine-yards. Take the lord’s name in vain! Steal whatever you want! Beat down the innocents if not murder them! Commit adultery if not outright rape! Go for the Satanic Gold buddy and you might be able to get a corner office in the mail room when you go down!” Leaning towards Genma, he whispered in an almost conspiratorial tone, “It’s got a great view of the River Phelgethon.”
*SPLASH*!
It was then that Panda-san held up a sigh. [You’d send a cute panda to hell?]
“Especially fake Pandas,” Damien replied with a grin. Snapping his fingers, a tea kettle appeared over the Panda’s head, causing Genma to scream as the boiling water turned him back into a man.
Jumping up and down and flapping his arms to get the still very warm water out of his gi, Genma shouted, “IT NEEDN’T BE THAT HOT!”
Losing his grin as the entertainment value of burning the panda was surprisingly lacking, the lawyer kneeled beside Kasumi and once again held the pad out to her. “..Your signature Miss Tendo and poof! I’m gone and you got seven wishes of ill gotten or whatever gotten gains you want... within reason of course.”
Catching that last bit, Nabiki frowned. She was still rather nervous if not in outright shock over her state of being, but she’d be dam-screwed if her eldest sister got hurt because of this. “What do you mean, ‘within reason’?” She didn’t want Kasumi to catch... well... hell!
Smiling at the middle daughter, Mr. Black was quick to explain, “I should warn that since each wish is originated from a deadly sin... you can only get one certain type of wish for every seven wishes. Once the sort of desired wish is made, its corresponding sin will be used up and you can’t make that same sort of wish again. Plus some wishes such as getting more wishes, being granted the power of god and so forth are naturally out of the question!” He smirked as he told her, “We do follow certain standards set by the Board of D’jinni, you know!”
Seeming to catch on, it was Soun that asked, “So if Kasumi were to wish that Akane and Ranma were to marry-”
“DAD!” “MR. TENDO!” Were the simultaneous cries of the heirs of their respective branches of the Anything Goes School of Martial Art.
Nodding his head, the well-dressed lawyer explained, “Yes. That would be handled my Asmodeous with his domain over the Sin of Lust... and then that power would be used up.”
The pigtailed man just gawked at the fiendish lawyer. “Sin of...”
“Lust!?” Akane finished for Ranma with a shriek.
“Of course!” The demon lawyer replied. “You two would be all over each other for the duration of a honeymoon before it wore off and after that you can divorce or do whatever, even if divorce is considered a mortal sin.” Damien shrugged his shoulders. “Although I’d suggest you make sure you’re packing loads of condoms or pills incase nobody wants to risk a brat and there WOULD be brats...” the IRS representative said seriously, making sure there would be no confusion.
It was then that Kasumi found her father on her right and Mr. Saotome on her left, both men grabbing her by her arms and forcing her to stand. “Come on Kasumi, dear!” Soun told his daughter with such jubilation to his voice. “Time to sign that receipt!”
“Ain’t no time like the present!” Genma added. “You be a good girl and see to it that we get our just desserts! After all, we deserve a wonderful retirement package for all the hard work we put into raising you kids!”
*KER-BASH-SLAM-WHAMMO*!
“HELL NO!” Ranma and Akane both exclaimed, having smacked down their respective parent into the flooring. “Kasumi don’t wish for something they’d want!” Akane shouted. She didn’t want to end up married to that pervert! At least not yet, anyway...
Nodding his head firmly, Ranma told her, “They’re your wishes wish for what you want like...uh...” he trailed off as he had no clue what to wish for.
“Assloads of money?” Nabiki helpfully supplied.
“Yeah assloads...” the pigtailed man blinked his eyes. “NABIKI!”
“What?” Nabiki asked. “We NEED the money!” She shouted seriously. “And I’m sure that such would be a wish that Greed would cover, right?” She looked towards the lawyer for confirmation.
Nodding his head, Damien replied, “That kind of wish would be child’s play to fulfill. Just specify the amount and format of riches you desire and I’m certain Mammon would get back to you quickly.”
The eldest Tendo didn’t like how that man was quick to give her sister a response; almost as if it were rehearsed. “What would be the negative effect?” Kasumi asked, still not having signed. “You said each wish is fulfilled by a sin, what negative effect is there?”
That question made the lawyer raise an eyebrow in curiousness. “Ahhh... a smart one,” he said, the tone of his voice showing he was impressed. After a moment, he took the time to explain, “Well sometimes, how the wishes end up being granted can be a doozey if you don’t word it well enough. Like... oh, the money could come from the life insurance policy your sister here has on your ‘dear old dad’ or panda-butt. Given their weak wills their life expectancy is...well...” he looked at the two men trying to get up from off the floor. “I mean, HELL! I’m surprised they aren’t dead yet.”
Both men were shivering as the lawyer was staring at them with a most devious grin.
Nabiki frowned as she realized, “The monkey’s paw effect.”
Nodding his head, the lawyer agreed, “That IS a pretty good way to describe it; hence why you have to be specific about what you want. It is the power of hell that will be granting your wishes after all; it’s not designed to be...” he clucked his tongue as he looked for the nicest way to put it. “Well... ‘user friendly”...” as the group stared at hi,m he continued to added, “Now for your earlier thought for a wish. I’m not saying that’s exactly how the cash could wind up yours. Some relative could croak and by some whim of insanity they’d have left you their fortune! Or a bank-truck could crash or had crashed nearby and somehow the money ended up under the floorboards of the dojo... there’s just so many possibilities.” The lawyer sighed. “Anyway I’ve got an important meeting I need to keep so please Miss Tendo, just sign on the dotted line, you get your wishes and I can stop giving you all heart attacks.”
Kasumi looked around the room and finally stopped on the one person she was sure wouldn’t want anything to do with wishes; what with how often they were screwed over by magic. She would get her honest opinion there! “Ranma?” The eldest Tendo daughter asked in a soft, nervous voice. “What should I do?”
That question made Ranma freeze up for a moment, having been caught off guard. He began to slowly sweat as he felt all eyes on him. “I... I... I...” he stuttered for a moment. He took a deep breath of air before blurting out, “I DUNNO!” Gasping for breath he anxiously told the eldest Tendo sister, “It’s your agreement to sign or not Kasumi! Maybe they’ll come in handy or if they should get too bad, don’t sign!”
“Not helping,” Damien pouted.
Glaring at the lawyer, Ranma shouted, “You expect me to be on YOUR side after all this!?”
Grinning, Damien helpfully provided, “She could wish your curse away.”
“GACK!” Ranma gasped as he practically fell over.
Growling, the youngest Tendo glared at the man in black. “Rotten bastard,” Akane muttered angrily.
Nodding his head, Mr. Black told the teenaged girl, “Thank you.”
Eyes burning with righteous fury, Akane screamed, “IT WASN’T A COMPLIMENT!”
“But we enjoy that sort of negative feedback,” Damien said honestly. “Especially when there’s such a sinful emotion behind it; I can feel the deadly sin of wrath oozing from you.” He laughed as Akane shrieked and hoped back a few steps.
Having been silent for a moment, Ranma finally asked, “My curse could be cured?”
“Of course!” Damien said. “Although I should warn you, that one would be using Pride and...” even the lawyer shivered. “You’d be calling on the big guy for assistance there. And he’s a LOT more difficult to deal with than his usual guise of all powerful red-skinned, horned fellow.”
Staring at the lawyer, Ranma demanded to know, “What’s the catch?”
Grinning widely, the fiendish lawyer explained, “Of course, the curse of Drowned Girl goes... but are you truly cured? Or does another curse supplement it?”
Tilting his head, Ranma asked, “What?”
“That’s just it, I don’t know...” Damien said. “The powers that be down below will see fit to grant the wishes as they see best. For all we know, it could supplement you with ANOTHER curse in its place... and believe me, that might just be BEST case-scenario or they change the trigger into something more manageable but the curse will still be there. Like...saying a certain word transforms you instead or every time you eat some type of spice.”
His shoulders sagging, Ranma sighed. “Man! Doesn’t anybody win in these things?”
Giving the pigtailed youth a wide smile, Mr. Black was more than happy to answer, “We do!”
Ranma slapped himself on the face. He asked for that one.
“It’s just like any business or law-firm, we always make sure we come out ahead of the game,” Damien said with a firm nod of his head. “Now really, we’re wasting time and I’m due over in America to go on a hunting trip with Vice President Cheney in five minutes so can we get through with this already?” He asked firmly, obviously reaching the limit of his patience.
Seeing as how all eyes once again fell back upon her, Kasumi gulped nervously. Refuse, that seemed good but... what if some worse penalty came from refusing? The wishes would have a consequence but they never said she had to use them did they? What to do, what to do!?
“Tick-tock, tick-tock...” Damien said, trying to show he was losing his patience fast.
Wincing, the matriarch of the Tendo household whimpered, “Oh... okay. I’ll sign.”
“WONDERFUL!” Damien said with his first bit of honest cheer that evening. “Just sign on the dotted line. Careful, hot pen!” He warned as the black pen he was holding out for her to sign with had a literal flame at the end.
Gulping once again, the eldest of the Tendo sisters nervously took hold of the pen, being careful as to not get the flame close to anything flammable. Trying to keep her hand from shaking, Kasumi carefully jotted down her name. “...Done...”
“Very good!” Damien proclaimed, taking the pen and overlooking the contract. “As promised you now have access and control to make your wishes anytime. Don’t worry muttering, ‘I wish’ out of habit. It won’t trigger them as you have to be specific! Usually including the Sin behind the wishes affinity will aide in processing it faster, such as calling out, ‘Sin of’ or ‘By Sin I wish for’ and then followed by the specifics.” He told her as he opened the clip board.
Wringing her hands together nervously in front of her, the eldest Tendo sister numbly nodded her head. “All right...”
The lawyer held the paper work and took it apart. Within moments, he held the top white copy out to Kasumi while he held the clipboard which had the bottom yellow copy. “This is for your own personal records. All the wishes and associated sins listed; it will update to reflect what wishes were associated with which sin.” He told his current case. “Don’t worry if anyone sees it who shouldn’t. It will look like a normal bill to anyone not present here.”
Accepting it carefully, Kasumi looked down at it for a moment. Slowly moving her eyes back up to the lawyer she hesitantly replied, “...Thanks?”
“Don’t mention it,” he told her as he looked at the watch on his wrist. “Well it’s been fun and I'd love to stay and chat... but like I said, I’m VERY busy. If you have any problems, my phone number is in the receipt’s contact information.” He saluted the Tendo woman. “TTFN! Ta Ta For Now!” Mr. Black then disappeared in a very large spout of flame that erupted from the floor and then disappeared suddenly as it extinguished without a trace.
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(Posted Sat, 12 Jul 2008 18:57)
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