Sitting behind a black podium was the visage of two individuals in their mid-thirties; both wearing black tuxedos with white shirts and accentuated with blue bowties. With the exception of their black leather shoes, (which were un-viewable with them behind the desk) their entire outfits were made of fine silk. On the left, the man was tall, a good 5’10” with his full black hair done in a comb-over. On the right, the other man, who not only shorter by a good four inches, but also slightly portlier, sported his light brown hair in a similar style and also had a thick, bushy mustache. The two were separated by the length of a television screen behind them.
Finally, the man on the left spoke up, looking towards the viewers. “Hello there! I’m Johnny Gomez!”
Smiling, the mustached man continued, “And I’m Nick Diamond!”
Johnny continued with, “And Welcome to a very special edition of MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch!”
Nodding his head in agreement with his co-host, Nick said, “Yes, it’s Celebrity Deathmatch : Anime Annihilation!”
“After all,” Johnny started off in a tone of voice that spoke of someone being pompous as they pointed out what they felt was ‘obvious’. “For years, the stars of anime series have hated each others’ guts! But with their stories so different, they couldn’t possibly make conceivable crossovers in which they could be together and kick each others’ asses.”
“Until now!” Nick shouted excitedly. “Thanks to the generous contribution of Bast!’s Anime Addventure, we give these fine anime actors the chance they’ve always wanted... to KILL each other!”
Grinning, Johnny chuckled a bit. “Heh heh... you bet’cha, Nick.” Coughing into his hand to clear his voice, he turned back to the camera. “And boy, you wouldn’t believe how excited these people were to finally have a chance to get to go at people who they normally wouldn’t have a shot at.”
Nodding his head to that, Nick continued, “It’s promising to be a great show, as this anime nation is OUT FOR BLOOD!” He shouted the last part for emphasis.
“First up,” Johnny said as the screen behind him flickered to life. “It’s Lina Inverse Versus Deedlit: a magical battle over the fact that these two share the same American voice-actress; Lisa Ortiz!”
The monitor now showing the image of an angry looking elf and a P.O.ed petite redhead Nick added, “Not to mention that Lina, who had the larger series, got stuck being published by US Manga Corp’s now-defunct subsidiary of Software Sculptors!”
“Ouch!” The black-haired man winced, knowing where this was going. “You can’t get her series anymore, can you?”
“Not the good one!” Nick said. “But you can still get get the numerous pieces of ‘Record of Lodoss War’, which was published under the proper banner of the company and is still going strong... Needless to say, with only ADV publishing her adventures with her and Naga, Lina is FUMING!”
“Indeed she is,” Johnny said as the screen started to flicker again. “And then we have a battle of the gender-benders!” The screen changed into four panels. A black haired boy with a pigtail in the top right, a redhead with a pigtail in bottom right, a boy with frayed brown hair in the top left, and a green-haired woman in the bottom-left panel.
Nick explained the image with, “One turns to a woman with cold water, the other into a woman when he’s too horny! It’s a battle of the dual-sexes with Ranma Saotome and Futaba Shimeru!”
“Futaba Shimeru, hero of ‘Futaba-kun Change!’, is rather upset that Ranma can control HIS change...” the black haired man said with a solemn nod of his head.
“Well...” the mustached host started to speak up. “Personally, I wouldn’t call random splashes of water as ‘control’, Johnny.”
“True,” Johnny Gomez relented. “But Futaba is the one going to be stuck having sex as a woman if he wants to get any.”
“Wow!” Nick Diamond gasped out. “Talk about penis Envy!”
“And then,” the taller host continued, the television screen behind the two hosts flickering once more. “It’s a clash of East and West! Oni Princess Lum Versus Salusian Princess Asrial!”
With the screen now showing the image of a battle-hardened Skunkette and a sparking Oni, Nick explained, “It seems the alien clad in tiger-fur is very judgmental about the first successful American-manga.”
“You got that right!” Johnny told his co-host. “She claims that ‘Ninja High School’ is nothing but a blatant rip-off of ‘Urusei Yatsura’, and damn, is that green-haired woman out for BLOOD!”
“Well, Oni are generally historically listed as flesh-eaters...” the mustached man then brought a hand to his chin, scratching it as he wondered, “Hmm... I wonder if I could slip her some of my meat...”
“Heh heh!” Johnny chuckled before agreeing, “I know I would!” Going serious once more, the black haired individual spoke again, the screen blanking out and flickering to life. “And of course, next up, it’s a battle of the thieves. Lupin III Versus Mouse!”
“Ah, yes!” Mr. Diamond shouted as the screen behind him showed a man who’s outfit was in loud colors, and another man who was dressed A LOT like a ninja. “Lupin the Third is very pissed at Sorata ‘Squeak’ Yamanoue. After all, both stories are similar. What with them being next in line as the current generation of a great thieving family, commiting incredible crimes, hounded by policemen who are going to have strokes, and not to mention supported by women with D-Cup breasts!”
“And that’s what brings the fight about,” Johnny said as soon as Nick finished that last point. “Where Lupin only had one sexy assistant, Sorata has THREE!
Blinking his eyes once, twice, Nick couldn’t believe THAT was the reason. “...Wow, seems to be a lot of penis envy going on around here...”
“Indeed there is,” Johnny said as the screen started to flicker once more. “And then following up is a couple that works close together. An All ACROSS Annihilation of Excel Versus Hyatt!”
The image on screen was file footage of Excel and Hyatt standing behind microphone stands in the men’s side of a bathhouse. “Yes, Excel Excel has long tried to keep her anxiety over their leader Lord Il Palazzo showing attention, affection, and favoritism towards Hyatt down and controlled for awhile now.”
“And with our show, Excel’s gonna SNAP!” Johnny shouted, slamming his hands down on the desk.
“I thought she already had...” Nick said, just before Excel ran across the stage before them, completely naked.
His head following Excel as she went off-screen for a few moments, Johnny then turned back to the camera. “Next up, we have a bout in a cage match of the DEATHBOWL! A five-way bout of...” he blinked his eyes, leaning forward the desk as if trying to read something. “Wait a minute, this can’t be right...”
“But it is!” Nick shouted. “The bout of Cuddly Mascots! Cerberus, Ryo-ohki, Makona, Luna, and Pikachu!” Behind him, the screen showed an image of all five, and all five cute critters looked as angry as they did adorable.
After a long pause, Johnny finally said, “My money’s on the yellow rat.”
Nick nodded his head as he said, “Well, mine’s on the cat with the bald spot, because cats EAT rats!”
“Ahem!” Johnny coughed again as he slowly brought himself back to his usual speed. “And then we’ll go to the polls of our telephone operators for the Fanime Fandemonium!”
“That’s right!” The mustached man spoke excitedly. “You, the fans, can call our one-nine-hundred number and vote who YOU want to see duke it out!”
“And we’ll see to it that it happens right here, right now on MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch: Anime Annihilation!” Johnny shouted.
Pointing his finger at you, the reader, Nick said, “So stay tuned!”
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(Posted Thu, 09 Nov 2006 17:38)
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