[Episode 176533] [Episode 176533]“And we’re back!” Johnny Gomez said as he looked straight at the camera, as if he were looking at you, a big bright and shiny smile on his face; teeth sparkling oh-so-perfectly for a moment there.
“For those of you at home just joining us,” the co-host, Nick Daimond spoke up. “We are having a special event here at MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch: Anime Annihilation!”
“Yes, Nick,” Johnny agreed. “And our first match is Ranma Saotome of the famed series ‘Ranma ½’ and Futaba Shimeru of ‘Futaba-kun CHANGE’!”
“Now let’s go to the Deathmatch arena, where we shall be introducing our contenders!” Johnny said, thrusting his right finger at the camera.
The image changed to show an overhead shot of the arena, the square ring in the circle surrounded by rose after rising rows of seats, all filled to maximum capacity with spectators. Soon, the voice of Johnny Gomez could be heard over the loud-speakers. “Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the first MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch: Anime Annihilation! Hailing all the way from the Nerima Prefecture of Tokyo Japan, I give you a practitioner of the Saotome-Ryuu of Anything Goes Martial Arts! Please put your hands together for... RANMA SAOTOME!”
From one side of the arena, Ranma marche out of the backstage area, waving both his arms to the audience. On one hand he looks mildly embarrassed, but soon his macho pride filled him as the fans chanted his name. He was beaming with pride and a grinning madly.
“And in the other side of the stadium!” Johnny’s voice could be heard again. “The master of high-school wrestling, all the way from Tokyo Japan, please put your hands together for that luckless at love wonder, Futaba Shimeru!”
Entering from the other side of the arena dramatically was the, (currently) man in question. Wearing a full-body spandex outfit, he flexed his athletic frame and posing as he made his way to the ring amongst the cheers of fans. He’d really gotten into the whole wrestling bit.
Ranma effortlessly sprung onto the ring before he leaned lazily against his corner, waiting for the Ref to start the match. He seemed... unimpressed with his opponent.
As his opponent got into the other side of the ring, he glared hatefully at Ranma. His ire at his opponent quite obvious.
Frowning back at his opponent, Ranma felt really annoyed by this guy calling a match over his bad luck of gender swapping
It was then that an older man started to walk into the ring’s center. Wearing a white dress-shirt, black silk pants and leather shoes, and his outfit topped off with a black bow-tie, the elderly gentleman with a shaved head looked back and forth between the two. “Okay here, ladies!” He shouted to get their attention.
Both Ranma and Futaba twitch... yeah, he just had to rub it in that they turn into GIRLS!
Ignoring the looks the two gave him, (he was a hardened badass himself after all), Judge Mills Lane held up his fist. “I want a good, clean fight to a death so be precise with what you do. Is that understood? Good! Now let’s get it on!” He shouted that last part as he pumped his arm.
*BING*!
“And there goes the bell!” Johnny’s voice went over the intercom system.
“RAAAGH!” Futaba roared as he lunged himself at Ranma, grabbing his opponent and tackling him to the ground.
Effortlessly, Ranma slipped the hold and then twisted about before he held Futaba down in a weird pretzel hold. “You done yet?”
“Incredible!” Nick’s voice could be heard. “Ranma has reversed Futaba’s initial attack and seems to have it under wraps!”
Struggling a bit, Futaba grinned evilly as he realized how he was posed in his position. He kicked his left leg back, the heel of his foot hitting Ranma in the nuts!
Ranma’s eyes went wide. “EEE-OUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH!” But this somewhat backfired on Futaba as Ranma THREW him into the air... and the ceiling was closing in!
“Amazing!” Johnny shouted. “Ranma may be in pain, but his opponent will be-WHAT!?” He shouted as Futaba grabbed onto one of the steel poles that held up some of the numerous lighting fixtures and got himself up on the scaffolding. “Incredible use of reflexes there and...”
“Holy crap! What’s he doing!?” Nick shouted, interrupting Johnny. Futaba was up on the technician’s catwalk and kicking a foot out at a series of the spotlights.
Johnny’s voice came on again. “I... I think he’s... Yes! He’s taking down the lighting fixtures!”
And just like that, a large portion steel scaffolding came down towards Ranma and loaded with numerous electronics.
Groaning in pain as he held his nuts, the pigtailed martial artist hobbled around on one foot. “Damn it that hurt you bastard-oh HELL!” Ranma screamed before he started playing an impromptu game of Dodge Dodge Revolution, (the song ‘Butterfly’ coming from seemingly nowhere) as he ran and jumped around the falling debris. “Hey come down and fight me like a man you ass!” Ranma yelled, shaking a fist while he continued to dodge the rest of the falling debris.
“Wow! That Ranma is a quick one,” Johnny said, his voice filled with awe.
“Hey, is using our own property legal?” Nick asked. “I mean, it’s fun, but I’m sure the producers will be annoyed about further property damage.”
“Hmm...” Johnny seemed to consider it. “Let’s go to the judge on that one!”
Standing off to the side of the ring, Judge Lane declared, “I'll allow it!” And then another large lighting fixture came down along with electrical wiring on the mat, almost crushing and electrocuting Ranma, who avoided it by jumping onto the rubbery guardrails for the ring.
“Oh screw this!” Ranma shouted angrilly. “MOUKO TAKABISHA!” Putting his hands together Ranma gathered a large amount of chi through his confidence and fired the blast right up at the scaffolding near Futaba.
“Aaahhhhh!” Futaba cried out as he held onto the catwalk as part of it came down. The guy held on for dear life as he was now hanging out in the open-air, holding desperately onto the guard-railing.
“How’d ya’ like them apples, jerk?” Ranma looked around before back-pedaling and then reared back to get some strength. He them leap up, jumped back and forth onto the large debris pieces until he gets enough leverage and height to jump up onto the part of the catwalk that was still intact.
“Looks like Futaba is hanging by a wire in this,” Johnny said in a somber voice.
“Yeah, it reminds me of Sly Stallone’s ‘Cliffhanger’,” Nick agreed.
His grip loosening from his opponent landing, Futaba quickly raised his other arm to grab better hold. “ACK! You bastard!" Futaba shouted as the part of the collapsed catwalk he was on shook as Ranma landed.
However, the pigtailed martial artist wasn’t feeling charitable at the moment. “Okay, punk... you gonna give, or do we make this messy?” Ranma asked, a stern loon on his face and his arms crossed over his chest.
“HALT!” Three voices suddenly echoed around the domed ceiling.
Recognizing the voices, Ranma groaned as he face-palmed. “Aw crap!”
Then, jumping onto the catwalk were the trio of the crazy kendoist Kuno, the myopic Amazon Mousse, and the eternally lost Ryoga!
“Fiend! We shall ensure this battle will be your last!” Kuno spoke haughtily as he pointed his bokken at Ranma.
“Yes! With your defeat on live international television, Shampoo will jump into my arms!” Mousse ranted uncaring the extra weight was making the catwalk unstable.
Slamming a fist into an open palm, Ryoga announced, “This time we settle it, Ranma!”
“What’s this? Outside competition?” Johnny asked.
“And from Ranma’s own series no less!” Nick said in surprise. “Can they attack their own guy here?”
Scratching his chin, Judge Mills Lane thought about it for a moment before declaring, “I’ll allow it!”
“Oh, C’MON!” Ranma exclaimed!
“See?” Kuno shouted. “The judge hath called this in our favor! Now it is time that we-”
*Creeeeeeeaaaaaaaaak*!
“Um... bye!” Ranma jumped to another catwalk just as the one they were on broke. While Ryoga quickly followed his rival... the other three weren’t so lucky.
Falling down from the great height and down towards the debris of the lighting system, Mousse screamed as he was impaled through the chest by a piece of piping from the messed-up scaffolding. And to make matters worse, he also landed on some of the live-wiring that was exposed, electrocuting him. His convulsing and frying corpse sent different implements of doom coming out of his sleeves as he flailed his arms.
“Ouch, now that is one dead duck,” Johnny said with a bit of sarcasm.
A sniffing sound could be heard before Nick said, “Hey! It smells like the turkey my ex-wife used to make at Thanksgiving!”
Still on their catwalk, Ryoga and Ranma winced at Mousse’s demise... before both turned their attention down to see how Futaba and Kuno faired.
Futaba was still in the game, having landed atop of the now unconscious kendo practitioner. Blinking his eyes, he grinned as he went towards the stuff that Mousse left behind as he had been fried, draining the excess juice from the wires. With a maniacal laugh, Futaba held up... A ROCKET LAUNCHER!?
“Oh shit!” Both Ranma and Ryoga exclaimed.
“Wow, it’s a USA Army-grade land-to-air missile!” Johnny said. “I don’t think anyone’s ever managed to get one into the ring in the entire history of Celebrity Deathmatch!”
Looking at the teenager laughing crazily with the rocket launcher, Judge Mills Lane proclaimed, “I’ll allow it!”
“ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE!?” Both Nerimian martial artist screamed, showing that even if Rumiko never wrote it in their scripts, they could say words that weren’t PG-13.
“Apparently, these two are unfamiliar with Celebrity Deathmatch,” Johnny said with a hint of amusement to his voice.
“I’m sure Futaba will help them catch up to speed,” Nick assured his co-host, just as Futaba pulled the trigger and a large red missile started to fly up towards the catwalk where the two Nerimians were on.
Both leapt off from the catwalk, plummeting down to where they effortlessly landed on their feet, evading the debris that came down with them.
*KER-SPLASH*!
Of course the damage opened a water pipe...
“BWEEEEEEE!” Ryoga, now P-Chan exclaimed as he went from boy to oinker.
“Aw crap in a hat!” Ranma-chan grumbled irritably.
“Damn, there goes the water main!” Johnny said in a louder voice than he meant as to be heard over the small gusher of water. When it trickled off, he spoke in a more normal voice again. “The bathrooms are SO going to be backed up...”
“Wow!” Nick shouted, obviously uncaring about the damage. “Look at those tits!”
At his co-host’s cry, Johnny’s voice spoke up again. “Damn, she must be a natural 32 C-cup...” Johnny said with awe.
Futaba laughed. “Hey! Nice tits, Red!” He shouted as he took aim with the Rocket launcher again.
At the series of comments she was recipient of, Ranma-chan looked down. Yep... her shirt was torn open. “Oh this won’t look good..."
“STAY THY HAND!!” The launcher was sliced in half by Kuno’s, (now real) blade. “Do not hurt my pigtailed Goddess!”
“Aw, shit!” Ranma-chan cried out exasperated.
“Villain!” He pointed the sword at Futaba. “How dare you aim such a cowardly weapon at a maiden no fairer than she!”
However, as Kuno said that, Futaba suddenly... CHANGED!? There now stood a green-haired girl with a set of breasts just as impressive as Ranma-chan’s.
“...Wuh... where did the knave go!? And how did I not see this Venus before!?” Kuno cried out, looking back and forth for the man that would dare attack his fair pigtailed girl... while also trying to keep an eye on the fair lime-haired one.
Slapping herself on the face, Ranma growled in frustration at Kuno’s stupidity. Even when activated before him, he didn’t see the transformation.
“Hmm... I guess seeing his opponent’s bare breasts set off Futaba’s ailment...” Johnny surmised.
“Hey, Ranma’s breasts sure set me off,” Nick said seriously.
And then the remains of a large spotlight landed in the booth between the two commentators. “KNOCK OFF THE TIT COMMENTARY ALREADY!” An irate Ranma-chan yelled.
Looking Futaba-chan over for a moment, Kuno nodded his head seriously. “I have decided that I like you. I would date with you!”
Futaba blinked her eyes once, twice, and then kneed Kuno in the nuts. HARD!
Kuno’s eyes watered and he slowly dropped his sword. After a moment of silence, a girlish scream finally left his throat.
And then he went airborne, after Ranma-chan gave him a swift kick square in the ass, sending him straight up into LEO... through the stadium roof naturally...
“Okay dip-shit’s gone....” Ranma-chan mumbled as she looked up at her work. She then began to pop her knuckles. “Now to finish you...”
However, Ranma-chan realized the error of turning her back on her opponent as she received a blow from a hollow steel bar to the back of the head.
“Ouch! Futaba doesn’t let up! Johnny shouted, as Futaba then stabbed one end of the broken steel into Ranma-chan’s right shoulder, the woman’s blood coming up the hollow center and splattering out the other end.
“Damn, I've heard of blood baths, but blood showers?” Nick asked as Futaba was sprayed by the small gusher of her opponent’s blood and marrow.
“Actually, we have," Johnny corrected. “Remember the ceiling fan incident?”
“Oh right, right...” Nick conceded.
“OW, OW, OWWW!!!” Ranma-chan turned and kicked the woman in the ribs HARD. “Okay I hate to play low, but you DESERVE THIS! KATCHU TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN-KNEE-KICKER!!!” Grabbing Futaba, Ranma-chan began to knee the girl with a series of Chestnut Fi-err... Chestnut Kicks to the crotch... granted there weren’t any male parts, but that HAD to hurt!
Futaba stumbled back for a bit. Because she was holding onto the pipe-like steel, she took it out of Ranma-chan’s shoulder as she stumbled back. She was doubling over, vomiting blood onto the floor-mat of the arena. And so, while Ranma wanted to really give it to this bitch. The backside of her right shoulder was torn open, scapula exposed and gushing blood from the wound!
And so, Ranma-chan yelped out in pain as her body jerked; stopping the kicks as the pain from the shoulder wound got to her. “Oh damn it! If I lose this arm, I AM going to bury you!” The redhead growled angrily. She was furious and was going to take it out of this bitch’s hide! But what could be so vile, so monstrous, that it would fulfill Ranma’s sense of revenge justice?
“Ranma!” Akane shouted as she came up to the side of the ring. “Where have you been? It’s dinner time!”
At that declaration, Ranma-chan turned pure green. Slowly, she turned to defend herself from this new opponent. “Akane, I’m in the middle of a freaking life or death struggle!” The exasperated redhead shouted.
Crossing her arms, Akane frowned. “Anything to get out of my cooking, is that it!?”
“Half my damn arm is torn off, or haven’t ya noticed, ya uncute tomboy!?” The redhead cried out angrily, her patience worn thin.
“It’s still there!” Akane shouted as she pointed to Ranma-chan’s right arm that hung loosely by the woman’s side. “Now eat this!” She held out a small styrofoam container, a visible smell leaking out from the sides.
The redhead shuddered as Akane was shoving it forward. Oh geeze! That stuff was awful, the worst, the... most perfect thing that Futaba deserved!
For the first time, Ranma-chan took the box of Akane’s cooking gratefully and smirked a rather evil little smirk. She then turned back to the dizzied Futaba. “Here I insist you try some of my ‘fiancée’s’ cooking!” Opening the container Ranma-chan stuffed the contents down Futaba’s throat. “Now eat every bite!”
Futaba’s eyes watered as the food was shoved down her throat.
“Yee gods, she’s forcing toxic waste on the poor girl! TOXIC WASTE!” Johnny shouted.
“Good lord, OSHA is so going to get on our asses,” Nick said. “Is this even legal!?"
Watching as the redhead force-fed the green-tressed girl toxic-swill, Judge Lane declared, “I’ll allow it!”
Ranma-chan grinned that it was legal and made sure she clamped Futaba’s mouth tight so she couldn’t barf it up and made sure she swallowed. “Enjoy!”
The green-tressed woman twitched a moment after having been forced to swallow. As the redhead let go of her lips, she let out a scream of torment as her eyeballs literally melted in her sockets and her liquefied brain matter flowed out her ear canals. Her abdomen dissolved, the remains of her intestines just dropping from her lower-torso and onto the floor, the hazardous materials melting through the mat of the ring.
And then the corpse of Futaba fell to the floor, dead... Twitching, but dead.
“Ranma’s done it!” Johnny Gomez shouted excitedly. “Ranma Saotome has won the first match for our first ever Anime Annihilation!”
“Truly a momentous occasion!” Nick said as Judge Mills got up into the ring and held Ranma’s limp right arm up in the air.
“Man... that was nasty...” Ranma-chan panted, feeling a bit light headed from blood loss.
Suddenly a shadow formed on the ring.
“Holy shit!” Judge Mills Lane shouted as he jumped from the ring... just as a giant robot body crashed into it, crushing Ranma and Akane beneath!
The red and gray jet-like robot tried to stand before another one with what looked like T-Rex head on its back landed on it and starts to stab a red-orange energy sword into it.
“Me Grimlock say take a dirt nap Starscream!”
“...Were we scheduled to have Transformers here?” Johnny asked. “...Judge?”
Looking up at the large Transformer, Mills decided, and then back and seeing as Ranma clambered out from the wreckage but still standing, he proclaimed, “I’ll allow it!”
After ripping Starscream’s head off, Grimlock held it up. “Ha, slaggin’ loser!” He turned and STEPPED on Ranma as he stomped out of the stadium.
Now looking like road-kill, Ranma-chan twitched on the ground barely alive but... well somewhat alive.
“Is she still alive?” Johnny asked as the audience was hushed.
Checking the redhead’s pulse, Judge Mills Lane nodded his head and there was explosive cheering around the arena as Ranma was still declared the winner!
Then paramedics composed of... Mithras and Moogles rushed out and loaded the flattened body onto a stretcher before rushing off.
“That's right folks,” Johnny said sitting back in his chair and getting serious for a moment. “No medical care is better than Square-Enix White Mage Care.”
“Found all over Vana’diel, especially Windurst!” Nick added. “Boy, Johnny, that sure was a great fight!” The mustache man finished excitedly.
“That it was!” Johnny agreed. “And there’s more to come!” Turning to the camera, the taller co-host of Celebrity Deathmatch explained, “Thanks to those who voted in at Fanime Fandemonium, as well as how the anime actors feel, we have another fight set up!”
Meanwhile, a crane-truck moved a brand new ring into place as a few Alchemists came in to commence repairs. “Now let's go to Stonecold Steve Austin who is interviewing one of our next fighters!” Nick comments. “Over to you, Stonecold!”
“Thanks, Nick!” The tall muscular man with the shaved head and goatee said as he came onto the camera. “We have another bout added to the list, and it’s gonna be awesome! A 4Kids! Fight Fest to the Finish of Naruto Umuzaki versus Monkey D. Luffy! One wants to be the Hokage, the greatest Ninja ever, and the other wants to be King of the Pirates! As fans know, both are anal-rape victims of 4Kids! Entertainment, BUT Naruto got the respect it deserved with less editing for it’s episodes, but got uncut editions on DVD while One Piece got dick. Luffy’s angry and wants to kick Naruto in the poop-deck!”
Luffy adjusted his prized straw hat as Stonecold brought the mike over. “It’s true, Stonecold! One Piece is just as good as Naruto, but we got shafted because our sponsors in the U.S. let 4Kids! buy the rights! I found myself agreeing with a VG-Cats comic that 4Kids! basically GUTTED the show and stuffed crap back into it to make it friendly for younger audiences... HELLO! IT’S ON TOONAMI!! THE MANGA IS RATED TEEN!!! GET A BRAIN, 4KIDS!!!”
Breathing deeply to try and calm himself, Luffy took a few moments before continuing. “Meanwhile Naruto got a better deal than us...why, WHY does the Ninja-Brat get a sweet deal while we pirates are raped up the ass by corporate execs to be kiddy cash-cows!?”
“Because Pirates are Disney-fare, thanks to actors like Johnny Depp,” Stonecold answered. “So as you can see, Luffy here is primed and ready to show just which is the better in the age-old debate of ‘Pirates Versus Ninjas’.”
As if to accent the statement Luffy did his trademark ‘Gum-Gum Punch’ and knocked out a passerby exiting the bathroom.
“OW! The fuck!?” Ryoga cried as he fell to the floor, holding onto his head.
“Oops! Sorry man! I meant to hit the trashcan by the door!” Luffy exclaimed apologetically.
“Back to you, Johnny!” Stonecold said as Luffy was trying to help the bandana-clad guy to his feet.
“That’s rather interesting,” Johnny said. “Now, let’s go to Debbie Matenopoulus, who is sure to be with Naruto. Debbie?”
“Hi, Debbie here!” The woman smiled at the camera as she stood in one of the locker rooms. “And I’m here with a boy who’s sure to become the next Hoka... Haka... Hocking... er... the Ecchi-something-or-other.”
“Hokage!” Naruto exclaimed before crossing his arms over his chest and huffing.
“Right!” Debbie said, using her free hand to brush back the loose long strands of her hair. “Since you’re gonna be the ‘hockey-playah’, you feel it is your sworn duty to defend the right of your series against the outcry of some guy in a straw hat.”
“Look,” Naruto started, moving the mike closer to him so he could make his peace. “I understand Luffy, and his crew got screwed... but dissing me and taking it out on my series is just asking for an ass-beating! He wants to see which is better, I’ll gladly show him a shinobi can whup a pirate any day of the week!”
“Oh, you have a leaf picture on your headband!” Debbie said, having apparently not heard a word Naruto said. “Do you work in lawn-care? Now that it’s autumn, I need someone to rake my backyard. I can pay you eight bucks and hour.”
“What the...” Naruto gawked at the woman staring at him with a blank look in her eyes. “What the hell are you talking about!? I’m from the Leaf Village, I don’t do lawn care, I’M A NINJA!! Soon to be the best!” He struck what was supposed to be a serious pose, but failed as he stumbled a bit.
“Oh, and he practices ninjitsu too!” Debbie squealed. “And with his whiskers, he’s just so adorable!” She pinched his cheek with one hand as she turned to the camera and said, “Back to you Johnny!”
“As you can see, it’s going to be one hell of a time here on MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch: Anime Annihilation!” Johnny shouted.
Pointing his finger at you, the reader, Nick once again gave his catch-phrase of, “So stay tuned!”
Read the comments on this episode
See other episodes by Red Priest of the 17th Order
(Posted Sat, 18 Nov 2006 03:03)
Questions? Problems? Suggestions?
Send a mail to addventure@bast-enterprises.de
or use the contact form.
らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
All other series and their characters are © by their respective creators or owners. No claims of ownership of these characters are implied by the authors of this Addventure, or should be inferred.
The Anime Addventure is a non-profit site.