Aw, c’mon, guys — I didn’t really mean it.
“Hell no,” Ranma said with a scowl. He and Ryoga were now fully dressed (much to the writer’s displeasure) and fully intent on staying that way. “Ya know full well that that was a rotten trick ya pulled, and we ain’t gonna stand for it.”
But I was going to let you go… eventually.
“Yeah, sure you were,” Ryoga replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “That’s why the last episode ended with you fantasizing about all the stuff you could force us to do to each other.”
But I was just joking! You know, exaggerating something for humorous intent? It’s funny!
“Not from where we stand, it ain’t,” quoth Ranma.
Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’m really, really sorry.
“That ain’t gonna cut it,” the pigtailed martial artist replied. “Until the negotiator from the IFCU gets here, the clothes are stayin’ on — and don’t you get no ideas about dry humpin’, either!”
Dry humping? Hmmm….
“Nice job, Saotome. You just gave that yaoi pervert more ideas.”
Hey, I’m not yaoi, I’m bisexual! There’s a difference!
“Whatever. Until that negotiator gets here, the clothes are staying on.”
Drat.
…
…
…
What’s taking him so long?
“Ya still gotta write him here, ya idiot!” Ranma shouted.
Oh. Right. Ahem…
Just then, a large, black Lincoln Continental sedan pulled up into the clearing. The driver’s side door opened, and a tall, broad shouldered man with a business suit, a briefcase, and a really weird-looking pair of eyebrows stepped out. He walked over to the boys and presented his business card. “I’m Roger Smith, an official Negotiator for the International Fictional Characters’ Union. I understand that you’re having some problems with your writer.”
“Yeah, the guy’s not only a flaming homo, he’s also a sadistic bastard,” Ryoga glowered.
Hey!
“Now, now,” the Negotiator said in a patient, yet firm voice, “insults like that aren’t going to get us anywhere. I’m sure we can settle this like rational people.”
“Fine.”
Roger then turned his attention to the author. “Do you want to write out the whole process, or just jump to the end of the negotiations? Either way is fine with me.”
“Hey,” Ranma said, “don’t we get a say in that?”
“Actually, according to IFCU regulations, you don’t. You see, unlike the author, you don’t have to worry about carpal tunnel syndrome. Anyway, do you have any preference?”
Eh, let’s just skip to the end — I can’t think of enough jokes to make writing out the whole process entertaining.
“I must admit, that was a lot faster,” Ryoga said.
“Jump cuts tend to do that,” Roger replied. “Now, I’ll just repeat everything that’s been agreed on today to make sure that there’s no objections, and for the benefit of the audience.”
“In other words, yer gonna be doin’ a bunch of exposition.”
“Exactly. I’ll be relying on the three of you to make sure it’s entertaining.”
Ranma and Ryoga nodded, and far way, sitting in front of his computer screen, so did the author.
“Okay, first, the homosexuality of Ranma Saotome and Ryoga Hibiki will be downgraded to bisexuality for the duration of the thread, or until the author gets bored with, and furthermore, the author promises to include women in at least some of the sex scenes.” Roger looked up from the paper he was reading from, and, seeing that there were no objections, continued.
“Second, Ranma Saotome and Ryoga Hibiki will have their Jusenkyo curses removed for the entire duration of their bisexuality — ”
“Uh, hold up,” Ranma said.
“Is something wrong, Mr. Saotome?”
“Uh, yeah — I don’t really wanna lose my curse. I mean, this is a gratuitous lemon fic, and if I can’t be a girl, then I can’t get any hot girl-on-girl action, ya know.”
“That sounds a bit out of character,” Ryoga pointed out.
“C’mon, Ryoga, the Fourth Wall’s down, and ya know as well as anyone that havin’ sex as a girl is one of my favorite things about bein’ out of character ta begin with.”
This, however, posed a problem, as stabilizing the curses had been one of the key concessions the author had made to get Ranma and Ryoga to agree to go forward with the thread.
“The writer’s got a point,” Roger said.
“Well, how ’bout I get control over my curse? Ya know, so I can change back an’ forth at will, instead of whenever I get hit with water.”
The writer was hesitant… what was to keep Ranma from staying a guy the whole time?
“Look, I promise that I’ll turn inta a girl whenever it’ll make the plot and/or sex scene more interestin’, okay?”
This sounded good to the author, so Roger proceeded to revise that point accordingly. “Alright — Ranma gains control of his curse, with the proviso that he not remain male the whole time. Do you have anything you want to add, Ryoga?”
“Hell, no! I’ll be fine with not turning into a pig.”
“You don’t even want to put anything in there about your sense of direction?”
“Oh, well, I just assumed I’d get it back — but I guess it couldn’t hurt to make it official, right?”
Thus, after some more revising Roger continued. “Third, Ranma and Ryoga agree to enter into a long-term, sexually active relationship for the duration of their bisexuality, but they will otherwise retain full veto power over any other proposed sex partners.” Roger was relieved when no objections were raised — this particular point had taken quite a bit of work to hammer out.
“Fourth, the author is allowed to make the sex scenes reasonably kinky at his discretion, provided he follows the guidelines laid out in the IFCU publication Ouch! You’re On My Hair: The Do’s and Don’ts of Unconventional Lemon Scenes.
“Fifth, Ranma and Ryoga have the right to seduce any other male member of the IFCU and so drag them into their misery, with the exception of Roger Smith, main character of Sunrise, Inc.’s anime series The Big O, who shall retain the right to kick their asses if they so much think of making him have any sort of homosexual encounter with anyone.”
“Wait a minute, how did that last part get there?”
“I put it there in lieu of my usual fee — no way in Hell I’m going to let you weirdos mess with my heterosexuality.” There wasn’t too much objection, though. Roger was only here for a one-shot cameo anyway, as the writer hadn’t really seen much of his anime.
The Negotiator finished up with his last point: “Sixth, if this author, or any subsequent author in this thread, tries to break this contract, the characters reserve the right to flip them off, tell them to get bent, and go home.”
“Well,” Ranma said, “that sounds good ta me.”
“Ditto,” Ryoga agreed.
The writer didn’t raise any objections, as the agreement didn’t really conflict with any of his long-term plans for the thread.
Roger then faxed the contract to IFCU headquarters where would go on file, and picked up his briefcase. “Well, as my work here is done, I’ll bid the three of you a good afternoon.” With that, the Negotiator climbed back into his car, and sped off.
“Well,” Ranma said to the writer, “now that that’s taken care of, I suppose you might as well list some options.”
Something else happens.
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(Posted Sun, 12 Nov 2006 22:51)
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