Ranma and Ryoga sat in the back seat of the taxi that was taking them back to Nerima, courtesy of the author, who was exceptionally eager to launch into his “bisexual harem” idea now that he had a decent plot contrivance for it in the form of the newly-signed contract.
“Speakin’ of which,” Ranma commented, “what’re all these extra pages for?” He held up a 1-inch binder marked “Appendices.”
“I think they’re for retconning… you know, in case we come across a situation that we didn’t think of,” answered Ryoga.
“Oh. Makes sense, I guess, but who decides what gets retconned?”
We did.
“We do?” Ranma asked the author.
No, I said we did. We all agreed on all the provisos on every possible scenario that might come up during our intense negotiating session. We just don’t know what we agreed to yet — that’s what “retconning” means.
“Then how do we know ya won’t pull some more sneaky bullshit?”
Are you kidding me? The IFCU would have my head on a platter! Look, just pick any situation you want, and use the index to find it in the contract. Even if you don’t like the solution, I guarantee that you’ll be able to live with it.
“Okay… I will. Let’s see what it says about my fear of cats.” Ranma paged through the index, and then found the appropriate paragraph.
“Well?” Ryoga asked.
“Huh. Says here I keep my fear of cats, but in the event that Shampoo becomes one of my sex partners in this thread, I lose my fear of her neko-form, and only her neko-form.”
See? It’s probably not exactly an ideal solution for you…
“…but I can live with it. Okay, I get your point — this is a pretty damn good plot device we’ve got here.”
That’s where the episode’s title came from. Now, do you have any questions about my plans before we get started?
“Yeah, actually,” Ryoga replied. “If this is going to be some sort of bisexual harem, which of us is going to lead it?”
Actually, I had hoped that you’d both be in charge — kind of like a tag-team seme thing, you know?
“So, neither of us is going to be passive?”
Not unless this idea turns out to be harder to pull off than I originally thought.
Ranma nodded his head. “That actually sounds pretty nice, all things considered. So who’s going to do the ‘passive’ role?”
Well, anyone the three of us agree on, actually. I was hoping to start with the male population of Nerima — not because I’m still trying to stretch this gay sex thing out, mind you, but because between the two of you, getting any girls we want in this harem should be a snap.
“Okay, but how do we get straight guys to go along with this? Some sort of mind control?”
As much as I would like to, no. Mind control just isn’t that effective when the Fourth Wall’s down. Look, I think the contract gives us the ability to do some negotiating with IFCU members on our own, if necessary. Plus, we still have Dr. Maxwell’s Insta-Yaoi Herbal Supplement Pills™ to cover any gaping plot holes.
There was silence for a few seconds as the two teenagers stuggled to figure out how to make a decent joke out of the writer’s reference to “gaping holes.”
“Um, how about this one: I thought we were going to be the covering the holes ourselves,” Ryoga suggested. “You know, because we’ve got ridiculously big penises for the lemon….”
“Weak,” judged Ranma.
“And I suppose you could come up with something better?”
“Sure… I say that in order for there ta be plot holes, first a thread’s gotta actually have a plot.”
“Alright, I’ll grant that that one’s better — but it’s still not that good.” Ryoga turned his attention to the writer. “What about you? You got anything?”
What are you talking about? I was the one who actually thought of both of those jokes in the first place! I just made you guys actually say them.
“True, but ya mighta been savin’ somethin’ real good for yourself.”
I might have, but I didn’t. So, are there any other questions?
“Well, if ya give me some time, I could probably come up with a few more, but I don’t really see the point of wastin’ all yer potential sources of meta-humor all at once.”
Good — it was a rhetorical question anyway. Now, do you guys mind if I stop referring to myself in the first person? It feels unprofessional to me, and I’d like to get back to standard omniscient narration.
Ryoga guffawed at that. “What do you care about being professional? It’s not like anybody could actually make money by writing fanfiction.”
Har-dee-freaking-har.
In the taxi’s driver’s seat, Alex Reiger sighed to himself. I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to cameo in an animated universe, the cab driver thought as he approached the city limits of Nerima, while Ranma and Ryoga discussed candidates for their first target, mostly to make the options interesting.
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(Posted Mon, 13 Nov 2006 07:29)
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