Cologne had certainly been correct in her prediction that none of the teenagers would find any of her options all that appealing, but as none of them could think of any other ideas, they proceeded to have a long, arduous conversation where they crossed each option off the list, one by one, until they came to what was agreed, by consensus, to be the least of a series of very disagreeable evils: the group marriage. As Amazons, none would have to worry about the consequences of having access to otherwise forbidden knowledge through Shampoo, and as wedded Amazons, none of them would have to worry about having to marry anyone who defeated them in combat (something that could be a particularly bad problem for Akane).
Still, this choice was not made without hesitation, as the telepaths’ reaction showed. “Okay, Cologne,” Ranma said, “before we agree ta this, we wanna make sure that we can actually, ya know, do this. I mean, I’m pretty sure polygamy’s illegal in Japan.”
“Ah, but what about polygamous marriage that are recognized in foreign lands?” Cologne countered.
“The People’s Republic of China outlaws polygamy as well,” Kodachi responded, “on the grounds that it is a product of the bourgeois class structure.”
“That’s the official version, true,” Cologne admitted, “but anyone who thinks that the PRC government is still Marxist obviously knows nothing of reality. The truth is, a large number of men in China have ‘secret wives’ that aren’t registered with the government. That’s the real reason polygamy’s outlawed in China: the bureaucrats don’t want to deal with the paperwork.
“The Amazons, however, are largely autonomous, and for the same reason: the government would rather not deal with us, especially since we aren’t going to try to move against them unless provoked. Sure, the Jusenkyo Guide is supposed to report back regularly to make sure we’re on the up and up, but even he tends to look the other way when some of our more ‘esoteric’ traditions come up.”
“Uh…” said Ranma, who wasn’t quite following the conversation.
“The Chinese government lets us handle our own records and traditions, because we’re too small to be worth their time.”
“Is there an actual document stating as much?” Kodachi asked.
The Matriarch nodded. “Yes, there is. We are allowed to practice our own ways so long as we don’t contribute to anything that would upset the status quo in Beijing.”
“So, in other words, you’re saying that the five of us can get married despite Chinese law,” Ukyo summed up.
“Precisely.”
“I don’t really care about Chinese law,” Akane said. “I’m not Chinese. What I want to know is if the marriage will count under Japanese law. You know my father and Genma aren’t going to cooperate with any plan that doesn’t result in a legitimate heir for the schools.”
“Ah, yes, well, that’s where connections come in handy.”
“What do you mean ‘connections’?” Akane asked.
“I mean the contacts I have in a few Japanese governmental agencies.”
“Wait up. You got contacts with our government?” Ranma asked. That seemed a little unlikely, given the remoteness of the Amazon village.
Cologne smirked. “How else do you think a foreign national can set up a business like the Nekohanten in less than a week?”
“Oh.”
“But to answer your question, over the last few centuries, the Amazon people have accrued quite a few favors, which comes in handy when you’re dealing with a culture that’s obsessed with honor. And Ranma is hardly the first instance of a Japanese national coming under the sway of our marriage laws. Like their counterparts in Beijing, the Japanese government has discovered that it’s much easier to let us have our way, to the point where there’s actually an obscure loophole in Japanese marriage law specifically for us.”
“If you ask me, it sounds too good to be true,” Ukyo said, having stretched her suspension of disbelief as far as it would go.
“Well, to be honest, this would be the first time I’ve tried to pull off a polygamous marriage on foreign soil,” Cologne admitted. “That’s why I put in a few well-placed phone calls. Once it’s understood that ours is not a culture to be trifled with, dialogue generally moves along very quickly. In fact,” she said, glancing at a clock on the wall, “I should be hearing back from someone right… abou—”
Cologne was interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing in the hallway. She “Huh. Three seconds slow. Remind me to adjust that clock later, Shampoo.”
“Yes, Great-grandmother.”
“If you will excuse me for a moment,” Cologne hopped off her staff and went to answer the phone.
The conversation resumed as she shut the door behind her.
“Ya feelin’ okay, Akane?”
“Of course not! Jeez, I’m actually taking this seriously! You people…”
“Um, actually…” Shampoo started.
“What is it?”
“Shampoo just realize that it might be worse for Akane than before.”
“Of course it’s going to be worse than before. Before I was headed towards a nice, normal, monogamous marriage—”
“No… that not what Shampoo mean. Mess up grammar again.”
“Well, why don’t ya try explainin’ it ta me, an’ I can see if I can explain it.”
“Ah, no offense, Airen, but Shampoo not certain if you get head wrapped around this one.”
“Give it a shot anyway.”
Very well. It just occurred to me that you all may have been thinking about this marriage in polygynous terms; that is, that Ranma will have four wives.
Okay, so you think we think that I’m gettin’ four wives, Ranma repeated, as much for his own benefit as the three other women who were linked to him. What, ya mean that’s not what’s goin’ on?
Well, it’s true that you’re going to be getting four wives, but that’s not all that’s going to happen.
There’s more?
Indeed. When more than two people are involved in an Amazon marriage, it is truly polygamous, rather than polygynous or polyandrous.
Yer losin’ me, here, Shampoo.
The Amazon nodded and decided to try speaking again. “Amazon marriage not just each girl marry Ranma and Ranma marry all girls — Amazon marriage mean everyone marry everyone.”
Kodachi figured out the implications immediately, causing her eyes to get wider (and her imagination to run wilder, much to Ranma’s consternation). Ukyo, on the other hand, remained confused. “What? What does that mean?”
“Well… take Shampoo. Shampoo going to be married to Ranma, yes?”
“Right…”
“But it not stop there. Shampoo also marry Ukyo, and Akane, and Crazy Flower Girl.”
Ukyo paled. “Wait… you mean… we’re not going to be sister-wives to Ranma, but… but you’re going to be my wife? Directly?!”
“Yes. And you also married to Akane and Kodachi, and they married to each other, and we all married to Ranma.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me… that’s… that’s insane!”
“How? Amazon no have taboo against relations between women—”
“Stop, Shampoo,” Ranma suddenly said.
“Why? Only trying to explain…” The Amazon then followed her beloved’s line of vision to where Akane sat with her hands in her face, clearly sobbing. “Oh no….” The Amazon was reminded of just how conservative her rival’s sexuality was — the idea of actually being married to another women (let alone three) might have been too much for her psyche. Great. Just great. I can’t do anything right with that girl.
Ranma put his hand on Akane’s shoulder. Are ya gonna be okay?
The sobbing continued unabated as the youngest Tendo thought back her response, though her distress was making it difficult for her to think coherently. I… I don’t know. I… I just… I don’t want people to think….
Ya don’t hafta be a part of this. Maybe ya can just go through those trials Cologne mentioned—
No! Akane shouted in her mind, her thoughts suddenly coalescing. I can’t become an Amazon that way! That would actually justify what those goddamned perverts at Furinkan try to do to me every morning! I can’t let that happen….
Well, maybe there’s a way we haven’t thought of….
No… no, I can’t… not if you do it this way….
Why not? I don’t want ya ta do somethin’ that’d make ya unhappy.
But I… I don’t….
What is it, Akane?
I don’t want to lose you….
Ranma stared at Akane, trying to process what he’d just heard, and as a result, allowing the others to learn what Akane had just admitted, which had a general sobering effect as they realized that Akane, despite all of her vocal protests to the contrary, did indeed care about the young man for whose affections they’d been competing… to the point where she was willing to apparently not only share Ranma with them to stay in his life, but herself as well… and furthermore, each of them felt the same way.
After a minute of silence, once Akane’s sobs had quieted down, Shampoo spoke up again. “Um, Akane… Amazon marriage not mean have to make love with wives if no want to. You not have to break Japanese taboo.”
“She already is, you gaijin dunderhead,” Kodachi said with a sneer.
This was followed by another awkward silence.
“So,” Ukyo said in another attempt to break the silence. “Does that mean we’re all in?”
There was a round of nods. “Akane?” Ranma said. “You gonna be okay?”
“I… I think so… I mean… I’m probably going to cry myself dry again once I get home… but I get that from my father,” she finished with a weak attempt at a joke, which was rewarded with three smiles (and that smug look that Kodachi always wore on her face). “I know it won’t be easy… but I think I’m willing to do it.”
“Glad to hear it,” came a voice from the door.
“Great-grandmother? How long you been there?”
“Not for very long, but long enough to tell that Miss Tendo is going through a lot of emotional turmoil.” She hopped onto the table. “Believe me, child, if there was a simpler way out of this, I would have suggested it. In any case, I have just gotten off the phone with my contacts, and, as expected, the Japanese government is rather anxious to avoid the arrival of a fresh squadron of Amazon and the large-scale property damage they can cause, so it appears that they’re willing to acquiesce. I have been assured that all the paperwork will be here tomorrow morning, at which point you can all sign it and make your ‘arrangement’ official. Of course, in order to keep from raising suspicion, none of you will be changing your names.”
The four Japanese teenagers nodded.
“Well, then, all that’s left is the marriage ceremony, which we can begin…”
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(Posted Tue, 03 Apr 2007 07:09)
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