The five telepaths gathered at the Nekohanten the next morning with decidedly mixed emotions: on the one hand, if all went as planned, not only would they not have to worry about the specter of Amazon kill squads, but most of Ranma’s fiancée problems would be taken care of (well, the ones they knew about, at least); on the other hand, however, the way in which those problems were about to be solved would likely create a whole new set of even more confusing problems to deal with. Admittedly, they had no idea how society as a whole would respond to their group marriage, but the chances that it would be openly accepted by all were rather microscopic.
At least Ukyo had gotten a better night’s sleep, if only in the sense that she only woke up four times as opposed to five. Aside from that hiccup, the lucid dream had gone quite well—Shampoo and Kodachi spent much of it engrossed in conversation, and as a result, Akane didn’t have to be bombarded with imagery of varying degrees of perversion. And since Ukyo’s time in the dream was sporadic, that meant she could spend time talking to Ranma. Even more pleasantly, Ranma didn’t seem to want to talk about the near future any more than she did, with the result that the two ended up having a conversation simply for the sake of conversation—that almost never happened before they’d gained their abilities.
But, alas, the cliché that all good things must come to an end proved to be quite true; the human biological clock was designed so that people would wake with the sunrise, and that wasn’t about to change just because Akane was enjoying herself. She didn’t like waking up that day, simply because she didn’t want to contemplate what she was about to do. Still, after a quick breakfast (which was made notable by Kasumi’s concerted efforts to avoid any sort of conversation with her youngest sister), she’d managed to drag herself to the Amazons’ restaurant like her four fiancé(e)s. There was no point in stalling now, and Akane just wanted to get the whole sordid mess done so that she could start dealing with the myriad problems it would cause. Thus, the first words she spoke upon Cologne’s entrance into the Nekohanten’s back room weren’t exactly joyful: “Let’s get this over with.”
Cologne raised an eyebrow. “Is becoming an Amazon that repugnant to you?”
“That’s not why I’m in a bad mood and you know it.”
The old woman chuckled softly to herself. “You’re right—I do know it. I was just trying to introduce some levity into the situation.”
“Levity?” Kodachi asked with a somewhat irritated tone. “We’re about to risk our reputations and you expect us to be open to jocularity?”
Shampoo was not about to suffer her great-grandmother to such disrespect, especially when it came from a woman who would soon have to acknowledge Cologne as her Matriarch. “How can Flower Girl’s reputation get worse?”
“Shampoo, there is a difference between levity and hostility, and the latter has no place in any marriage ceremony.”
“Speaking of which,” Ranma said, “how is this ceremony gonna go? We gotta do some sort of ritual?”
“In a manner of speaking. As I’ve said before, for all practical purposes, there will be two parts to the ceremony, one to deal with Amazon customs and traditions, and one to address the complicated ins and outs of Japanese law. The good news is that the Amazon part of the ceremony is quite simple.”
Ranma nodded. “Uh-huh. An’ the bad news?”
“It’s probably going to be extremely awkward.”
“Well, don’t just keep us waiting, gaijin,” Kodachi said. “Tell us what we need to do.”
Cologne managed to resist the impulse to smack her great-granddaughter-in-law-to-be upside the head for her insolence and got down to business: “You all need to perform the Kiss of Marriage.”
“So, we need to kiss Ranma?” Akane asked. That didn’t seem too awkward. Sure, she didn’t have much experience, but surely she wasn’t the first bride to feel that way.
“Well, yes, but there’s more. As you are all aware, Amazon group marriages are fully polygamous, not just polgynous.”
“You mean…”
“Each one of you must give the Kiss of Marriage to each one of your spouses.”
Ukyo rubbed the bridge of her nose. “When you said ‘awkward,’ you weren’t kidding.”
“So, that’s it, then? No big ceremony or nuthin’ ta worry about?”
“Not really—though there are several important traditions, these can wait until your first trip back to Joketsuzoku, as they’re best done in a community of persons who will not consider your marriage a bizarre aberration from the norm.”
“Oh,” replied Ranma with a slightly blank look on his face.
|
Although she suspected that there was a hidden conversation going on from the look on her son-in-law’s face, Cologne decided to continue: “Of course, there are a few things you should probably do in connection to your status as far as Japanese law goes.”
“Well, don’t just stand there, crone,” Kodachi said. “Out with it.” “You see, the Japanese loophole is based on the notion that certain tribal groups, such as the Amazons, should be allowed to live according to their traditions, even if those traditions conflict with the law—provided that these traditions do not endanger any members of the native population, of course.” “Are you trying to say that sending Shampoo over here to kill Ranchan didn’t put anyone at risk?” Ukyo asked, somewhat incredulously. “That,” Cologne responded, “is a complicated matter which I’d really rather not get into at the moment. Besides, that point is moot. What I was getting at was that as long as only Amazons are involved, Japanese law almost always defers to Amazon tradition.” “But technically, we aren’t Amazons yet,” Ukyo pointed out. “And if we were, we wouldn’t need to worry about Japanese law, because we wouldn’t be Japanese citizens.” “That, my dear, is where the loophole comes in—you see, there is a proviso that allows for a sort of ‘dual citizenship’ that will allow you to remain Japanese yet still come under the scope of Amazon law.” |
What the hell is that s’posed ta mean?
I think it means that the Amazons won’t think we’re perverts, Ranchan. Oh… I think I get it… maybe. But why didn’t she just say that ta begin with? Why didn’t she just say what? That the Amazons won’t think we’re perverts. They… they won’t? It makes sense—I mean, why would they? It’s their ceremony, after all. An’ if they did, don’t ya think Shampoo would be more concerned about it? Ah, Airen… Hmmm? What is it, Shampoo? I hope you will pardon my rather blunt interruption of your conversation about societal mores, but you may wish to listen to what Great-Grandmother has to say. |
“So, what does that mean?” Ukyo asked. “We’re going to have dual Chinese and Japanese citizenship?”
“No, it means that you’ll keep your status as Japanese citizens, but Amazon law will be given primacy in any legal matters you may have to deal with.”
“Does that mean we need to wait until the government representative gets here before going through with the marriage?”
“What good would that do? You won’t be Amazons until you marry into the tribe.”
“But if we aren’t Amazons, doesn’t that mean we still fall under Japanese marriage laws?”
“I suppose you could put it that way, but—”
“Oh, great,” Akane interjected. “We aren’t Amazons until we’re married, but we can’t get married until we’re Amazons. This ‘solution’ of yours just keeps getting better and better—ouch!” The young Tendo found herself cut off as one of Shampoo’s ubiquitous bonbori smacked her over the head.
“Akane show Great-Grandmother more respect. You is—ow!”
Cologne withdrew her staff from where it had bonked Shampoo’s skull before speaking to her progeny in her native Mandarin: “I shall keep my own counsel on which actions need to be castigated, Xian Pu. If you are to be Matriarch one day, you need to learn how to handle people who are obviously under extreme emotional stress. Akane’s sarcastic derision may be disappointing, but it is also perfectly understandable given recent events. Besides, she is not yet an Amazon, and therefore should not be expected to accord me the same amount of respect as you would.”
Shampoo bowed in contrition at her chastisement. “I apologize. It was wrong for me to presume your reaction to my fiancée’s admittedly mild outburst. I shall be more careful in the future.”
That done, Cologne returned her attention to Akane. “If you’ll be patient, I shall explain further.”
Akane continued to rub her cranium. “Fine.”
“It is true that the situation appears to have stalled in a rather obnoxious Catch-22,” the wizened Matriarch admitted, “but you are forgetting one very important detail.”
“And that is?”
“The Amazons ultimately do not care about outside laws—we deal with them only insofar as they pose an inconvenience for us. If you all perform your required Kisses of Marriage, you’ll be married into the tribe according to Amazon law, which will make you Amazons, which in turn will allow you to enter into a civil arrangement accepted by Japanese law.”
“So…”
“So, you’d best start soon—unless you all want to kiss in front of a stranger from the Japanese bureaucracy, that is.”
Ranma’s hasty response spoke for everyone present: “Uh, no, that won’t be necessary. Why don’t we, uh, get started?”
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(Posted Tue, 19 Jun 2007 01:28)
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