Standing before the door, Ranma inhaled deeply. Exhaling, he opened the door and stepped in.
Inside the room (which everybody else in the house and indeed in all of Nerima dubbed “Hell’s antechamber”) were posters of naked or semi-naked women on the walls, a large pile of stolen panties clustering in one corner, three shelves containing about a gazillion porno magazines and hentai manga, adult videos, and other paraphernalia and gewgaws that Ranma didn’t really know and didn’t care to know.
Ranma silently closed the door behind him and locked it before turning to face his father’s master, who was sitting with his back turned to him, writing a letter to a “Mr. Hefner”.
“Ahem,” Ranma coughed to get his attention.
“Wha?Whazzit? Whozat?” Happosai spun around, startled. “Oh, it’s you. Have you finally seen the light and come to me to embrace my teachings?” Happosai exclaimed with glee.
“In yer dreams, old man,” Ranma answered irritatedly.
“Ohh, if not that then why didn’t you at least come in your girl form and give an old man at the twilight of his life something to enjoy? I’ve been deprived of feminine contact for so long now, sob, sob,” the geezer wept.
“Don’t gimme that line,” Ranma said. “There’s a whole mountain of panties over there, and judgin’ by the screamin’ and yellin’ I heard all over town yesterday, those haven’t been around here for very long, have they,” he retorted with a smirk.
“But I ain’t here cuz of that,” Ranma continued. “I got a problem, and incredibly, I think you’re the best one to help with it,” he exclaimed, reluctantly.
“Ohhh? You actually need me?” Happosai asked, surprised. He craned his neck to Ranma’s direction. “Well, if it’s with your girls, you came to the right place! Why, after just a little while of my training, you’ll be a certifiable chick-magnet, to whom no girl can say “no”. Why, I remember when...”
“No,no,no, its nothing like that, Ranma interrupted, not wishing to hear more of Happosai’s plans to make him a “chick-magnet”. He had enough girls after him as it was! “Ya see, lately I’ve been having these…dreams,” he said uncomfortably.
“Dreams?” Happosai asked.
“Yeah, ya know… dreams,” Ranma replied.
“Ahhh, dreams,” Happosai breathed out, realization dawning upon him.
“Yeah, so what do you know about those kinds of dreams?” Ranma asked, his hopes rising.
“Well, it depends”.
“Depends on what?”
“Well, first of all…”
“Yes?”
“How often do you dream of being in public without your pants?”
Ranma face-faulted. “Not those kinda dreams, idiot!!” Ranma yelled hitting the old freak over the head with a mallet. “You know what dreams I’m talkin’ about!”
“No, I don’t know what dreams you’re talking about! What sort of dreams?!” Happosai replied angrily, rubbing his mallet-struck head.
“The ones where I have sex!!!” Ranma shouted, before he quickly realized his mistake, sheepishly covering his mouth. Fortunately the attic didn’t let out sound very well, so those downstairs might hear unintelligible mumblings, but nothing more than that.
“Ohhh, I see know,” Happosai gloated with a gleam in his eyes. “But why’s that a problem for you? All red-blooded males have those dreams. So who do you dream of?” he asked, almost drooling. Knowing Ranma’s issues with the girls, the boy’s subconscious could be fertile material indeed!
“It’s not about the girls. Well, yeah, I do dream of them, but that’s not the problem. It’s about this one person in particular, who’s also in my dreams,” Ranma said uncomfortably.
“Oh? Who?”
“…”
“…”
“… Mom” Ranma finally whispered out, his face beet red with embarrassment.
“What’s your mom got to do with…” Happosai paused, finally understanding what was going on. “Oh.”
“Yeah, so now ya know my problem. Is there anything that I can do to, ya know, make the dreams go away?” Ranma asked.
“Well now, first of all, you must realize that dreams of such nature are more common than you think. And I can’t really blame you for dreaming of her like that. Surely you realise that your mom’s quite the hot number. Why I bet there are a whole load of men out there who dream of her…” the old freak was interrupted as the pigtailed boy grabbed him by the collar and glared at him.
“NOT. ONE. MORE. WORD. UNDERSTAND?” The old freak nodded quickly and meekly.
“Good,” Ranma said, dropping the old martial arts master back on the floor. “Now, about my problem.”
“Hm, well yes, before we continue, what’s in it for me? This kind of issue might not be easy to solve, and I might be forced to consult my materials extensively and…”
Ranma casually dropped a bra, to which Happosai immediately dived. “YOWZA!” went Happosai, cradling his bribe. “Ohh, my precioussss.”
“Is that enough?” Ranma asked.
“Oh yes, oh yes” panted Happosai as he cradled his ‘precious’. “Oh, and you also give me five new pics of you in your girl form. Wearing a swimsuit.”
Ranma groaned, but considering that the price was less than he’d feared, he relented. “All right, deal. So, how do we proceed?”
“Well,” thought Happosai, “we could start by having you tell me your dreams in detail. Based on what you tell me, I can figure out pretty well what’s going on.”
“And you won’t breathe a word of this to anyone else?”
“Ranma my boy, I am hurt. Even though I have my… foibles, I am a martial artist and I would never spread lurid tales of fellow martial artists to damage their reputation. I have my honour, you know,” Happosai replied indignantly.
Ranma knew better than to trust a word he said, but he remained silent. Had he come up with a better solution, he would never have ventured here in the first place. Sighing, he took a deep breath.
Well, I could start with the dreams where I didn’t realise that my mom was… well, my mom.
“Alright. I’ll tell you the first one. It goes like this…”
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(Posted Tue, 03 Jul 2007 02:52)
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