[Episode 191741] [Episode 191741]Nabiki took control of the Master PC (as it was her turn) and, after a few seconds of tapping, had returned her body shape (and those of her current partners) to something that resembled normalcy (well, normalcy plus an extra cup size on all breasts affected). Ranma was still female, but as was mentioned previously, when she wasn’t In Character, she actually enjoyed being a girl quite a bit.
“Wipin’ the slate clean, eh, Nabiki?”
“Indeed I am, Saotome. And while I’m at it…” The helmet-haired mercenary brought up her elder sister’s profile and reset her pheromones to normal levels. “There. Now Kasumi can actually get some rest without having to deal with the attentions of all penis-bearing life forms in 50 foot radius.”
Akane looked confused. “50 feet? Nabiki, this is Japan. We use the metric system here.”
“True, but this is also fanfiction, and thus we use whatever system of measurement the writer uses, because most people are too lazy to convert between the two.”
“Ah. So, what are we going to be forced to do next?”
“I’ll get to that in a minute. First, however, I’m going to make some preparations to expand our fun and games to some of the other cast members.”
“Alright,” Ranma said with an enthusiastic grin. “So, who’re we bringin’ inta the fold? Ucchan? Shampoo? Ryoga? All of the above? Please say it’s all of the above.”
“Just hold your horses, Saotome. I said I was preparing for some more playmates—I’m not going to bring them in just yet.”
“Well, what are ya gonna do?”
“First, I’m going to set up a program that will alert the user to the immanent arrival of any psychotic robots. You never know when someone will try to resurrect that son of bit.”
“Smart.”
“Yes, I am, aren’t I?”
“Where’d ya get the ‘son of a bit’ line from?”
“I’m not certain. I think it might be a reference to ReBoot, though.”
“They’d let a show produced and marketed specifically to children get away with a line like that?”
“I didn’t say that’s where it came from—just that it might have come from there.”
“Um, Nabiki, does this conversation have a point?” Akane asked.
“No, not really. I guess I’d better get back to my exposition, shouldn’t I?”
“If you would be so kind.”
“Well, considering that most of our regular cast is female, I think we may need to take care of some annoyances in the background to prevent an excess number of masculine onlookers.”
“The what now?”
“I agree with Ranma,” Akane said. “You aren’t making much sense at all.”
“I’m just saying that with the high levels of lesbianism that your standard sex story requires, there’s going to be a lot of horny boys who won’t be able to get off for lack of any interested partners.”
“And by ‘a lot of horny boys,’ you mean…”
“The Hentai Horde. Who else?”
“Ah… yeah, that makes sense. Yer probably gonna need ta deal with them sooner or later. So… what? Yer gonna send ’em somewhere else? Like the Girl’s Bravo universe maybe?”
“While I admit that could be the one place where they might actually be welcomed, I’m not certain the Master PC has the ability to transport people to other planes of existence. Besides, the idea of giving those guys what they think they want just doesn’t sit well with me.”
“So whaddya got in mind?”
“Well, I figure that since these guys want to have sex so much, I might as well let them.”
“But you just said—”
“Let me finish. I’m going to let them have sex—and by ‘let them have sex,’ I mean ‘force them to have sex’—with each other.”
“What?!”
“That’s right, I’m going to turn the entire Horde gay. Once I get done entering all the commands, they’ll all gather at the Furinkan gym, get naked, and launch headlong into a massive yaoi orgy. And they’re going to love every second of it, whether they want to or not.”
Ranma, however, saw a potential problem with this plan. “But what happens when they’re done fuckin’ each other? I can’t imagine they’ll be too happy with ya.”
“Oh, but they won’t be done fucking each other,” Nabiki responded. “That’s they beauty of my plan: I’m going to give them all sex-story priapism.”
“Sex-story priapism?” Akane repeated in confusion. “What the heck is that?”
“Well, you know what priapism is?”
“Of course—it’s the ‘erection lasting four or more hours’ that all the commercials for ED medications mention in their list of side effects. It’s supposed to be extremely painful and can lead to permanent impotency. Nabiki, if you do that to the Horde, they’re going to be mad as hell, and you won’t be able to use sex magic to keep them from coming here to tear you to pieces.”
“That’s true enough. But I didn’t say I was going to give them actual priapism—they’re getting the priapism that all male characters get in poorly written sex stories.”
“I get it,” Ranma said suddenly, her mind clearly running much more efficiently than it usually did in fanon. “They’ll keep their hard-ons, but they won’t lose any sexual function.”
“Exactly. The only time they’ll go soft is so they can urinate, and then it’s right back up again. As long as they’re hard, they’ll be horny, and as long as they’re horny, they’ll be yaoi, and that means they’ll leave us main characters alone.”
“Huh. Well, it sounds like a good idea ta me—”
“Wait a minute,” Akane interjected. “I thought this thread was supposed to go for erotic humor instead of erotic horror.”
Nabiki wrinkled her brown in confusion. “It is. What’s your point?”
“My point is that most of those jerks are probably major homophobes. Being forced into a massive never-ending gay orgy is probably the worst nightmare they could conceive of. How is that supposed to be funny?”
“It’s funny because they’re assholes who attack you every morning for the chance to fuck you, and they clearly don’t care if you’re willing to give your consent. I figure if they’re so hell-bent on raping someone, they may as well rape each other. When something unpleasant happens to the bad guy, it’s always a good thing.”
“I don’t know…”
“Don’t worry, Akane. I’ve specifically exempted anyone Takahashi-sama gave a name to, so that means that nobody the readers might empathize with is going to get caught up in this. Not Gosunkugi, or even Hiroshi and Daisuke, even though they have almost no character development whatsoever.”
“Uh, does that mean that Kuno’s not gonna be doin’ the nasty with the Horde?” Ranma asked.
“Of course he won’t,” Nabiki replied. “Are you kidding me? When they don’t have to be In Character, the Kuno family actually gets to experience sanity—which, I can tell you right now, they all prefer greatly to the insanity they have to live with most of the time.”
“So, Kuno’s… normal right now?”
Nabiki nodded. “He should be. That’s why I’m leaving him alone for now—I sort of feel sorry for them, what with the way they have to act like delusional wackjobs most of the time.”
“Well, how do you know the Horde isn’t normal when they have the chance?”
“Are you kidding me? Akane, this a gratuitous sex story. Those guys practically live for the chance to have sex with lots of girls in a consequence-free environment. They’re nothing but hormonal idiots. Besides, you’re forgetting that like everyone else in Nerima, they have a passive mind control fetish now. Turning them gay for a while is no different than what Ranma and I have been doing to you—and what you’ve been doing to us. If you don’t have a problem with all the lesbian sex we’ve been having, what makes you think they’ll have a problem with gay sex?”
“Come on, Nabiki. Everyone knows there’s a double standard when it comes to homosexuality. Straight guys think lesbian sex is hot and gay sex is gross. They can’t conceive of guys being forced to have sex and actually enjoying it.”
“How do you know that the lemon writers are all straight guys?”
“Because they all identify themselves with Ranma and use his curse to have vicarious lesbian experiences. Why on earth would a gay man or a lesbian want to do that?”
“Some of them could be straight women—in fact, I believe a good chunk of the yaoi on the internet is written by them. One of those writers could find a way to have the Horde enjoy themselves. And who knows? Someone might interpret your generalizations about straight guys as a challenge of sorts.”
“I still say this is a bad idea.”
“Look,” Ranma interjected, “there’s a real easy way ta settle this.”
“How?” asked Akane.
“With the options, of course.”
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(Posted Thu, 19 Jul 2007 02:46)
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