Kuno snored while lying on his bed, the huge portraits of Akane and female Ranma adorning the wall behind him. In his hand, he clenched his bokken, occasionally moving it from side to side in his sleep. “Damn…you…Saotome…I shall…free…the fair…Akane…”
As he continued talking in his sleep, something else walked into his room. It then spoke, in a weird, echoing, machine-like voice. “WAKE UP. WAKE UP, SON, AND ARISE! THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!”
“Huh?” the kendoist said, suddenly sitting up, and seeing something very weird in front of him. Kuno probably couldn’t have described it if he tried, but it looked like some sort of robot – only it had what looked like a bill for a mouth, a metal mohawk on its head, and a large set of clippers for its left hand. Raising his bokken, he leapt to his feet. “And who are you, foul thing?”
“DO NOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY, FOR I AM THE CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST…FROM THE FUTURE. I AM HERE TO REMIND YOU OF THE PERILS THAT YOUR FAMILY HAS BROUGHT UPON CHRISTMAS!”
Kuno couldn’t really comprehend what he was being told. The only explanation was more evil sorcery from that blasted Saotome. “What art thou babbling about, demon? I shall cast you into the darkness, as I do all invaders to my home!” He leapt forward, his sword poised to strike.
The robot’s arm suddenly extended several feet, grabbing the kendoist by the neck, and pinning him to the wall. “OOPS. I FORGOT I WAS ABLE TO DO THIS. PERHAPS I'M GETTING MORE IN TOUCH WITH MY INNER CIRCUITS…BECAUSE I'M A ROBOT. GET IT?”
Kuno struggled to breathe as the clippers held him against the wall. The robot dropped him to the floor, and walked closer. “NOW, SIT TIGHT, AND LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.” He held out his hand, and a large amount of white smoke began blowing into the room from behind him, creating a fog.
“THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, IN 1985, AFTER A CERTAIN NUCLEAR TYCOON STOLE CHRISTMAS FROM THE PUBLIC FOR FIVE CONSECUTIVE YEARS, YOUR FATHER, WORKING AS A LIFEGUARD IN HAWAII, TOOK IT UPON HIMSELF TO SAVE CHRISTMAS! DONNING A CRUDDY SANTA COSTUME, AND BUILDING A SLEIGH OUT OF PALM TREES, HE PLANNED TO FLY TO THE CONTINENT AND DISTRIBUTE PRESENTS TO THOSE WHO HAD NONE! BUT HE COULDN'T BECAUSE HIS SLEIGH DIDN'T FLY. HOW COULD IT? IT HAD NOTHING TO PULL IT. PLUS, IT WAS MADE OUT OF LOUSY PALM TREE WOOD. SO, HE RETREATED TO HIS LAB, WHERE HE GENETICALLY ENGINEERED HUNDREDS OF PINEAPPLES TO DO HIS BIDDING…BUT THE PINEAPPLES WENT BERSERK ON THE MISSION, TERRORIZING THE AMERICAN WEST COAST! INSTEAD OF DISTRIBUTING YOUR FATHER'S PRESENTS, THEY HURLED THEM AT HOMES AND FAMILIES THAT WERE OUT CAROLING…AFTER ROLLING THE GIFTS IN THEIR OWN WASTE, THAT IS…THEY ALSO WENT FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE, DEFECATING ON CHRISTMAS TREES…THERE WAS MUCH DEFECATION THAT CHRISTMAS…PLUS, HIS TOYS WERE ALL JUST PLAIN TERRIBLE, AND MADE ALL THE CHILDREN CRY…WHEN THEY WEREN'T CRYING FROM HAVING PINEAPPLE FECES THROWN AT THEM…”
***
“…THE PINEAPPLE MONSTERS SOON CAUGHT THE ATTENTION OF THE REAL SANTA, WHO PROMISED THEM ENDLESS FRESCAS AND NAUGHTY CHILDREN TO THROW THEIR WASTE AT IN EXCHANGE FOR CHEAP LABOR. IN RESPONSE, THE ANGRY ELVES UNIONIZED, AND BEGAN TO PLOT AGAINST THEIR FORMER MASTER…THE FOLLOWING CHRISTMAS, SANTA WAS MAKING A RUN IN DALLAS…”
***
“…AND, AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, SANTA'S HEAD WENT BACK, AND TO THE LEFT…BACK, AND TO THE LEFT…BACK, AND TO THE LEFT…BACK, AND TO THE LEFT…”
***
“…DO YOU KNOW WHAT PINEAPPLE MONSTER FECES TASTE LIKE? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT PINEAPPLE MONSTER FECES TASTE LIKE…”
***
The robot appeared to be wrapping up his story. “…AND THAT…IS WHY YOUR FATHER SHAVED YOUR HEAD…AND WHY YOU HAVE SUCH A FIXATION ON PHALLIC ENTITIES SUCH AS THAT WOODEN SWORD…AND WHY WOMEN KEEP SECRETS FROM US…”
Kuno had stopped listening halfway through. Utterly convinced this was some piece of sorcery cooked up by Saotome, he was already plotting his retaliation. “Damn you Saotome! You send this uncouth machine to annoy and torment me! You shall feel my wrath soon enough!” He began to bolt for the door.
“WAIT!” the robot yelled. “I’M NOT FINISHED!”
“I care not, demon! I take my leave to go eliminate the foul sorcerer Saotome!”
He was stopped in his tracks when the robot extended his clipper all the way to the door, embedding it in the frame. “PLEASE STOP TALKING LIKE THAT…IT'S GAY…” He attempted to retract his arm, but it was stuck. “COULD, COULD YOU MAYBE, LIKE, YOU KNOW, HELP ME GET MY HAND LOOSE FROM THAT DOOR? YOU KNOW, SO I CAN CONTINUE BOTHERING YOU WITH MY STORY…”
Anyone else in the exact same situation would have declined, and left when they had the chance. But Kuno, being the dolt he was, actually helped pry the robot’s claw from the doorframe. Retracting it back, he made a few random clipping motions with it.
“THANK YOU. NOW, WHERE WAS I? OH, RIGHT.” The fog started up again. “THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO…”
***
“…AND THE ELVES DEFEATED THE PINEAPPLE MONSTERS, AND GROUND THEM INTO THEIR FRUIT SALAD, WHICH THEY ATE AT THE NEXT FULL MOON…RIGHT ON THIS SPOT.”
Kuno stared at the robot as he paused in silence. Finally breaking the silence, he said “Well? And what of it?”
“I'M GETTING TO THAT, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M GETTING TO THAT? JUST WAIT A MOMENT.”
A few seconds later…
“ALL RIGHT, I'M READY. THE FECES THE ELVES LAID OUT ON THIS SPOT FROM CONSUMING THE FRUIT SALAD WILL SOON RISE FROM THE DEAD IN THE FORM OF PINEAPPLE ZOMBIES. AND THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO STOP THEM.”
Silence, once again.
“Well? What be it, devil?” Kuno snarled.
“I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT WAY IS. I JUST CAME TO WARN ABOUT HOW THEY'VE ALREADY RISEN FROM THE DEAD…”
“Wait! Thou said they were about to rise! Not that they already had!”
“OH, DID I? WELL, I MEANT TO SAY THAT…THEY'RE ALREADY HERE!” The robot held out his arms in exclamation. A few seconds later, weird noised could be heard coming from within the house. Kuno even heard his sister scream from a few rooms over.
“What on earth?!” the kendoist yelled.
“THAT WOULD BE THEM. I'M GOING TO LEAVE NOW. I DON'T LIKE PINEAPPLE MONSTERS. PLUS, YOUR SISTER SCARES THE CRAP OUTTA ME. SHE TRIED TO PUT SOMETHING OF HERS UP A VERY NAUGHTY PLACE OF MINE…” The fog reappeared, and he began to walk away. “I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT CHRISTMAS…TOMORROW!” And, with that he was gone.
Suddenly, the door to Kuno’s room flew open. The boy turned to look at what it was, and let out a scream of terror.
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(Posted Tue, 26 May 2009 03:47)
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らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
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