As much as he would have loved to avoid it, Frylock eventually was forced to enter Meatwad's room to attempt to assist his gratingly strident roommate out of his predicament (which conveniently gave Nabiki an opening to wrest control of the television for herself). "Damn it, Frylock, get me down!"
"Look, Shake, I've never been good with knots. Why don't you wait here while I get a scissors to cut—"
"Hell. No," Shake responded. "If you cut this rope, she's gonna send me running all over to replace it, and because it's Asian rope, that means that the only place I'll find it is in a creepy shop in Chinatown, and those little bastards are always trying to sell off their cursed junk!"
Frylock would have rebuked Shake for his blatant stereotyping of East Asian peoples, but the incident with the jade dragon was still fresh on his mind (it had only been two weeks, after all). "Huh... I guess you've got a point. Mr. Chang does have a lot of strange stuff. But still, it's not like we're talking about obliterating the rope. You'd just be cutting it into smaller pieces."
"Oh, yeah, good thinking. And when we're done, we can just cut my slavegirl up into smaller pieces to go with it."
"Uh, you're being sarcastic, right?"
"Of course I'm being sarcastic! I may like cartoon sex, but all that bloody chop shop business is disgusting!"
"Wow. So even you have standards."
"I mean, how's a slave supposed to give head when she hasn't got any?"
"Okay, looks like I spoke too soon."
"Don't you act all high and mighty with me. You're the one who's into the gory stuff!"
"What the—no, never mind. I'm going to get the scissors."
"Run, Nabisco!" Shake shouted as Frylock exited the room. "He wants to cut off your arms and legs and pack you in a suitcase!"
"I'll make a note of it," the nominal submissive called back, not bothering to take her eyes off of the reality show flickering in front of her.
"I'm telling you, there will be blood!"
"Is this the part where I make some comment about drinking his milkshake?" Nabiki asked Frylock as he floated into the living room.
"Actually, I'm pretty sure that's been his plan the whole time," the latter replied.
Meanwhile, or a few hours earlier... or later... or... something.... (Stupid time zones....)
When Akane finally returned to the empty lot, she found her fiancé sitting on the pair of obnoxious two-dimensional beings that had verbally accosted her. From there things went pretty much the way any informed observer would expect: "Ow! Hey! Wait! I just... Oof!" Err slammed against a brick wall as the teenage girl finished her third round of beatings; she'd settled on slapping each Mooninite around for several minutes while Ranma ensured that the other didn't try any funny business (like escaping). Err, in particular, was singularly annoyed by this arrangement. "Oh, come on, man, this is overkill."
Ignignokt was in full agreement. "I concur," the green alien added between labored coughs. "A sensible girl would understand that there is no higher honor than to be treated like a sex object, because that is their primary function."
Ranma sighed. "Lemme guess: a fourth round?"
"Oh hell yeah," Akane answered through gritted teeth. "I'll take Greenie first this time."
"One moron comin' up," Ranma replied, casually tossing the flat (and exhausted) alien back into the field of battle like a Frisbee.
As the pummeling re-commenced, Err once again protested the unfairness of Akane's tactics. "Come on! At least give him a chance to cop a feel while you're thrashing him!"
Ranma snorted as he was reminded of a different undersized pervert. "No girl is stupid enough ta do that. Well, not around here, anyway."
Haruka took another drag on her joint as her mind started to wander. "Hey, Setsuna?"
"Yeah?"
"You know how Chibi-Usa's from the future?"
"I've got news for you: knowing that sort of thing is part of my job description."
"No seriously, hear me out. So, she's from the future, right?"
"Yeah, so?"
"So, how come she never creates any paradoxes and starts fading into nonexistence?"
"Because the time stream is nothing like Back to the Future."
"Really?"
"Really. Chibi-Usa comes from a timeline where she went back in time did everything she's doing now."
"How do you know that?"
"Because if she didn't do everything she's doing now, she wouldn't have been around to get sent back in time."
"So there is a paradox."
"No, there isn't. You've just been taking a few too many puffs from my stash."
"But what about free will and all that other shit?"
"I don't know. Ask me when I'm sober."
"But by the time that happens, I'll forget what I'm saying."
"Which is why I want you to wait until I'm sober."
"How am I supposed to appreciate this music if you two don't stop talking?" Michiru interjected.
"Ha! You think we're noisy?" Setsuna asked. "Wait until those pineapple monsters show up."
"Wait, the robot-thing was telling the truth?" Haruka asked.
"Well, sort of. Now, he's someone who's actually caused time paradoxes resulting in his own nonexistence several times over. Whole lot screwier as a result."
"Oh... I get it."
"Really?"
"Nah."
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(Posted Sat, 30 May 2009 07:27)
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