“What the hell happened?!” Cologne yelled, loud enough to send an echo throughout the area. Haruka clamped her hands over her ears in pain. “Hey, knock it off! I can hear that echoing back and forth in my brain like a game of Pong™!”
“Everything gets louder when you’re stoned on Venusian Red,” Michiru chimed in. “And that’s why I’d like you all to pipe down. ‘Animals’ is next on the iTunes™, and I’d like to-”
“Setsuna! Tell me who did this! Now!”
“Heh. Getting a bit high-and-mighty, aren’t you? What happened to your buzz?”
“It disappeared with the dignity of my restaurant in a mountain of shit!” the old woman retorted. “Tell me now, or you can forget about our annual samba fest in the Joketsuzoku mushroom forests!”
“Okay, okay. It was a bunch of pineapple monsters.”
Cologne cocked an eyebrow at the Senshi before returning her gaze to the Time Gate. “And where did they come from?”
“From the school’s principal,” Setsuna said. “In fact, why don’t we check up on that freak?” Taking something that looked like a remote control, she hit a button, and the scene in the Time Gate changed to the unmistaken office of Principal Kuno.
He was throwing darts at a target that bore a striking resemblance to one pig-tailed martial artist, before his attention was distracted by a noise at his door. “Huh? Who’s dere?” Turning to see, he smiled at what he saw. “Hey! Da Kahuna remember you! I made ya to help save Christmas, yah!” Another noise came from his window, and he acted accordingly. “An’ you too!” All of a sudden, something burst through the floorboards, and out came more monsters. “Aheh…y’all’s come to see your uncle kahuna, eh? Heh heh heh…” His laughter died away with the grotesque sound of scrawny hands digging up orifices to grasp gooey fecal matter. “I’m in deep doo-doo, yah…”
Back at the Time Gate, Haruka burst out in laughter excremental beat down commenced. “Ha ha! That old freak sure had it coming! HA HA HA!” She stopped laughing, and clamped her hands over her ears again. “Augh! I think I just burst an eardrum with my own laughing!”
“You’re fine, all right? It’s just the grass.” Setsuna turned back to her older friend. “Well, what now?”
“Send me to my restaurant. I have some questions I’m going to need answered.”
“Okay then,” she said. With a wave of her hand, a portal opened right in front of Cologne. She entered it before it disappeared. “So much for ‘the more the merrier’.”
“Bah, who cares about her? Sure, she kept saying some really deep shit, but it was interfering with my buzz.” She took another puff and laid back on the couch, trying to relax as the THC clouded her mind. Her trip was almost immediately interrupted by a sudden beeping.
“Oh, for crying out loud!” she yelled, digging under the couch. “Not this again! How many times are they gonna interrupt my buzz?”
“What’s that?” Michiru asked.
“My communicator. It’s been going off a lot recently. Where the hell is it?” she said, lifting up one of the couch pillows.
“I turned mine off a while ago. I didn’t want to have to put up with it. Why didn’t you?”
“I don’t know. The pot made me too lazy, I guess!” The beeping had not stopped, and she had still not found it. “Where the hell are you, you little bastard?”
“Uh, Haruka?”
“What?!”
“The beeping isn’t coming from the couch. It’s coming from over there,” Setsuna said, pointing a few feet from the Time Gate.
“Oh…right.”
“AND THAT…IS HOW THIS CAFÉ BECAME ALL COVERED IN SHIT.”
The merely stared angrily as the robot finished his speech. “We know.”
“KNOW WHAT?”
“We know that a bunch of pineapple monsters threw feces all over the restaurant!” Akane said.
“WELL, THEN, WHY DID YOU ASK?”
“We didn’t! We want to know where they came from!”
After a few more seconds of silence, Ranma stepped in. “Uh, guys? Do we really need to listen to any more of-”
“OKAY THEN,” the robot said, cutting him off. “WHERE WAS I? OH, RIGHT.” He held out his hand, and a familiar cloud of fog formed. “THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO…”
“AND THAT…IS HOW THE PATHETIC SCHOOL PRINCIPAL TRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS, ONLY MAKING IT WORSE FOR EVERYONE!”
“Wonderful,” Ranma said smacking his brow. “I knew that dumb principal was behind this. I just don’t know why we had to wait for him to tell us all that!” He glanced at his friends, who were all eating okonomiyaki from a portable griddle Ukyo had set up.
“Don’t be like that, Ran-chan. We were just listening to see if he knew anything that could help us.”
“You mean you just wanted an opportunity to sell a few okonomiyaki, even at a time like this.”
“Hey, you can’t blame me for trying to make ends meet after my store got trashed.”
“Whatever,” he groaned. “This lecture hasn’t helped us at all! He hasn’t told us what we can do to stop them, or anything useful!”
“Well, he did mention that the elves stopped them by killing and eating them,” Akane said, working on her pancake. “Though, I don’t know how we could bring ourselves to eat those things…”
“FOOL,” the robot said, interjecting. “WHEN THE ELVES ATE THE PINEAPPLE MONSTERS IN THEIR SALAD, THE BEASTS SIMPLY ROSE AGAIN AFTER THE ELVES DEFECATED THEM ONTO THE FRESH LAND!”
“Yeah, you mentioned that already,” Ukyo said, a look of disgust on her face. “What’s your point?”
“DON’T YOU SEE? THE ONLY WAY TO COMPLETELY RID YOURSELVES OF THE PINEAPPLE ZOMBIES IS TO CONSUME THEM! HOWEVER, SINCE YOU ALL DISPOSE OF YOUR WASTE THROUGH YOUR RECTUM, THEY WILL JUST RISE AGAIN! THEREFORE, THE MONSTERS MUST BE EATEN…BY THAT WHICH DOES NOT CRAP!”
He held out his claw, attempting to look dramatic. The Wrecking Crew, however, just stared in dumbfounded amazement at how stupid the robot sounded. “Great. Just great. Now what are we supposed to do?” Ranma said, crossing his arms.
“Hey, Ranma,” Akane said.
“What is it?”
“Now that I think about it…have we ever seen Meatwad…um, you know…go to the bathroom?”
Ranma stared at his fiancé blankly before he actually began to think. “Well, now that you mention it…I don’t think so.”
“Where do you suppose…well, all of it goes?”
“I have no idea. Maybe we should ask him.”
Before they could talk to the anthropomorphic wad of meat, however, a portal opened up just in front of the destroyed restaurant, and out walked the old woman everyone, including Ranma, knew and feared. Well, except for Meatwad and the robot, who promptly raised his claw in defense.
“BACK AWAY, CHILDREN. APPARENTLY, THIS MAN WAS EXPERIMENTING WITH KIWIS AS WELL, FOR A MONSTER MADE FROM ONE HAS APPEARED BEFORE US-”
“You shut up!” the old woman yelled, pointing her staff at the machine. “I want answers right now! How did this happen to my place?”
“THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO…”
He was cut off by a massive chi blast, which sent him flying about five city blocks. Dusting off her hands, Cologne turned to her great-granddaughter. “Shampoo, if Mousse is somewhere in that mess, dig him out. I need to have a long talk with everyone right now.”
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(Posted Fri, 25 Sep 2009 02:47)
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らんま1/2 © Rumiko Takahashi
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