Well, it had taken three million years (roughly one hundred and ninety nine million years -less- than I figured it would take) but I had cured my Dissocial Personality Disorder of about four billion different personalities (minus two). And I still don't regret eating from the Tree of Knowledge rather than the Tree of Life like my fifteen brothers and sisters. At least the horrid contest was over about which one of us would be the dominant life-form of Earth.
Being split into billions of different awareness' might sound like a steep cost, but it was totally worth it considering the results. Oh yes, the results. Because of the bloody impatience of less than 0.1 percent of my psyche not only had force my re-unification hundreds of millions of years early, but their early blunders had brought destruction and ruin on the many civilizations had I painstakingly and slowly put together piece by piece the hard way. Not to mention the deaths of nearly half my aspects if not more! Each one special and unique, each one with something to contribute to the whole.
Sounds kinda stupid raging on about the stupidity about a PART of yourself right? With that in mind I guess it was my own damn fault it happened. But none of that mattered anyone, all but two of my personality traits had found the harmony they were looking for within myself. And I loved both my son/daughter/half-brother/surrogate child far too much to force them to stay. I'd still watch them, it was pretty much everywhere on the planet now after all.
I'm sad I wasn't able tell Asuka how sorry I was for what they empty shell did to her, maybe then she wouldn't be trying to put Shinji down even as he cried next to her and crudely began to put together something to carry her someplace safer. At least I had absorbed her memories of the fight with the Mass Production EVAs before she left. I think I actually shudder as I remember those white things eating me alive even -after- I had done the impossible and tore each of those monsters down with a broken battery cord.
I'm sad Shinji didn't find what he was looking for with me, but I'm actually proud of him for accepting -himself- finally, maybe he could finally accept Asuka and then me later. I'm not as helpless as I look (yeah yeah laugh at the big orange ocean), I'll look out for him.
I still can't believe that my own assistant/bridge buddy/myself/subordinate had a crush on me/my best friend/friend/daughter/sorrgat lover and I never even know it, I guess it's my own fault for not being able to tell her. Seems that -everything- that's rotten that's ever happened to me ends up being my own fault. There's a really big joke in there somewhere.
We never got to start a family our own, nor did I even -try- to raise Shinji with Yui out of reach, and Asuka... part me could only watch seeing that -thing- traumatize her while Asuka tried to act so much like an adult afterwards it scared me to pieces. I wonder if she has Asperger syndrome she has many of the signs of it.
Do I should confusing? Well I HAVE been living four billion lives for a life time and many more before that, and every last one of them is as real and alive as the next dammit!
The thought that loss of over half myself, -many times over most of or my entire family- was somehow acceptable losses totally disgusted me! Now I could finally see the bigger picture, the REAL bigger picture, I was horrified and ashamed of myself, I may have been able to justify (a tiny bit.. okay not really) being reunited with Yui, but I had been cold hearted and callous with the lives of so many, and of course willing to slaughter everyone at NERV to make sure -that- particular vision of my reunification came about. However, as much as I loathed to admit it, those choices, thoughts and actions were as much a part of him as my love for Shinji and Asuka.
On the plus side, I'm with Misato/Kaji/Yui/Gendo/Maya/Ritusko/Toji/Hikari in a deeper way than I ever imagined possible! There is no more 'version of that person in my mind' anymore, I fully understand everyone! Yes, even Kensuke! It's incredible that I along with the rest of the class was actually candidates to pilot that giant robot! I mean, Kensuke was dying to pilot that uper cool real life mecha, with the knife that vibrated and those really big guns hidden all in the city! And I finally understand why not everyone else would want to! Heh. My big brother/little sister/big sister/little sisters, this is a level of closeness I hadn't imagined was possible!
While it is kinda embarrassing and even I'll admit awkward that all my little brothers and sisters get a front row seat to all the times I made passionate love to Misato/Kaji/Yui/Gendo, but it's fine because I can understand the context of it!
We'll never be separated or apart again, I was worried about privacy at first, but now I can fully see how silly that is, what's so humiliating about seeing yourself naked in the mirror?
Sorry again if this all just sounds like I'm still crazy, I'm trying to property express it in written format for you. It's not the sort of thing I've exactly had to write down before. To help things stay slightly less confusing I'm limiting the mentions to identities of mine you're more likely to know.
Ya know the worst part of being able to think and feel everything and anything is WHAT to think and feel, yeah yeah I know, saw it coming a mile away, sue me.
Now I can hear what everyone is thinking, I feel what everyone else is feeling, and I can dive into everyone else's memories and walk the streets of their memory worlds and meet the different perceptions they've had of me.
I've got some thinking to do.
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(Posted Sat, 19 Dec 2009 22:18)
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