A wolf and it's pack that had escaped from a nearby zoo (wolves having been extinct in Japan even before Second Impact) spot Asuka and Shinji by the time they've gotten about half a mile in-land. Shinji might look like he's fully able to run away and thus not worth chasing, but Asuka is injured and broken and pretty much immobile on her own, in other words, ideal prey (hunting the healthy and strong only leaves you with a broken jaw). However, Shinji and Asuka have enough trouble figuring out how to survive without civilization's infrastructure for now. The wolves have no clue where the invisible wall is, only that it's in their way, and that it hurts! They don't give up of course since they see free food (figuring Shinji will just run), but ultimately, they realize that something is getting in their way, and their food's scent seems to not being getting through either, so they decide to cut their losses and look for an elk with a broken leg or something instead. Of course Asuka and Shinji never see any of this.
Oh? You have a few more questions? Okay, I have plenty of time on my hands.
Would I have wanted to give up my individuality? That's a rather odd question, considering that I still consider myself an individual. Sounds wrong? Well think about it, if I was calling myself 'we' then that would mean I wasn't an individual. Like I said before, every one of those lives I've been living is as real as the next, in each of those lives I was living I was still me, just different aspects or versions of me. Yeah, my life as the old lady hobo asking for money for food then buying booze with it is just as real as the life of the man manipulating his masters and allies to bring about my de-fragmentation early are equally real, I don't know weather to be humbled or comforted by that.
But I can't say I wasn't very very very surprised when I remembered that I was a single person, that everyone was as much me as I was them, I can't say yet if this proves or disproves the old mantra 'no one's alone.'
Would I want to claw my way out of this thing? First of all, I am not a 'this thing' thank you very much! My name is Yui/Gendo/Hikari/Misato/Toji/Kensuke/Maya/Ritsuko/Kaji/Mari/Kozo/Makato/Shigeru/Naoko/Kyoko/Keel/Mana/Mayumi!!!
Second, as for 'clawing out' I'd like to see you claw your way out of yourself first. Go ahead, I'll wait. Not that simple is it? While I am indeed Shinji and Asuka too, to say they 'clawed their way out of themselves to hold onto their individuality' isn't precisely correct. Neither one was willing to let the rest of themselves in, so their AT Fields never fell, they still kept that barrier between themselves and others. And yes I'll admit the way that Mother's shades used to bring down my AT Field WAS a f'ing dirty trick! Oh she's not dead, despite appearance: she's several billions years old after all, it'll take more than that to bring her down.
All in all I'm just glade I was able to patch Asuka's body back together as much as her stubborn AT Field -allowed- me to, it didn't allow me to heal her totally because she couldn't -comprehend- herself being torn to shreds and being absolutely fine afterwards. Not that I can blame her logically.
All in all, I don't think I can bring myself to chop myself up into a billion pieces again, seriously, could you? After everything that's happened, I really don't think I could bear being crushed and compressed down into one tiny body again. What? What do I mean by 'one tiny body' when I'd be billions? Sorry, but erasing all but one forth of a billionth of my memories four billion times over would be even MORE traumatizing, don't tell me it wouldn't be for you. I hope I'm managing to get the whole 'I am me' thing across, like I said before, I can understand how things can be confusing. Sigh. Don't give me that look. Seriously. Ever heard the tale of the hamburger and the cow?
What sort of tricks can I do besides being a giant orange puddle? I'm a giant orange -ocean- and don't you forget it. And I don't do 'tricks' I'm not a dog I've just raised them!
Sorry, my status as a person is kinda a sore spot for me. Asuka and Shinji look at me as my son/bestfriend/half-brother drags my daughter/bestfriend/half-sister from the beach side, but they don't -see- me. Why should they? All they see is an ocean the wrong color. At best they think it's a liquid insane borg hive mind (I'll admit I've had other neuroses besides my former multiple-personality). At worst, just a dead mass of liquid of what -used- to me, with a random jumble of memories and thoughts running through it. Yes it hurts, hurts just as bad that I can't tell them how wrong they are, I'm alive, I'm more whole than I've ever been in my life!
I know there are other things I can't do in this state, but not being able to wear dresses or play video games seems kinda stupid to mourn over in retrospect. Forgive me if I sound kinda jerkish on this next bit, but it kinda feels like being a pre-schooler who always loved finger painting... then got pushed right into an adult metal state and realized there's a far wider range of self expression that can be much more effective. I didn't not love it. And I don't feel ashamed of loving it. And I would certainly enjoy it. But, deep down, it feels like messing around with junk. You did see that eighties flick Labyrinth right?
As for speaking with Shinji and Asuka, I'm more than a little sure at this point they'd think I was trying to eat them if I tried to speak with them, or think I was asking for 'help' to get 'me' out of 'me.' And I think as I see them beyond the view of the beach side that they -need- this alone time. Of course I can still sense them and what they are doing, they're me too after all.
All in all, this kinda reminds me of a -very- warped (which is kinda what I was going for when I did it, along with some subversions and spoofs of other motifs of course) comic which had a guy magic-science transgender zapped, sent back in time accidently and became his own mother, -then- after being returned to normal with no memory of what happened, was sent back in time -again- and became his own -father- too!!! Of course they never told him after they reverted and erased his memory -again!- They figured he'd go mad from the revelation.
Maybe I've gone totally bonkers and just haven't realized it yet. Or all my emotional and psychological problems have congealed into one big black dripping sphere of neurotic impulses. Not outside the range of possibilities.
That is one thing I can do now, explore possibilities. That's one good thing about my de-fragmentation at least happening so absurdly early. From the view of myself looking in and myself looking out, I think I finally understand myself fully and utterly. Explore all possibilities.
I try to imagine myself being the one to pilot the uber cool giant robot instead of Toji, and totally kicking butt, and all the girls fawning over him as they say how Kensuke is the greatest EVA pilot of all time.... but I said possibilities not impossibilities. Okay, maybe those too.
I imagine myself as Reika Suzuhara, confused and delighted as seeing her legs working again. I imagine myself being very scared, looking up at the tall tall buildings, all looking so shadowed and dark... I imagine myself dainty walking out of the absurdly clean back alley, I imagine myself wondering where my brother is, wanting to show him I can walk again. I imagine walking out of the two giant buildings, being glared by the bright sun. I imagine handing my hand to my face shielding my eyes after the dark alleyway. I imagine my eyes adjusting and being able to take in the sight before me. It's a city, looking like a cross between Venice and some time dissonant European city.
I imagine looking down at myself and around me and gasping in surprise in my small voice.
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(Posted Wed, 23 Dec 2009 17:21)
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